Stalking by mother with dementia

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Hi Bowlingbun. Mum has only been in the cottage since May on discharge from hospital after breaking her hip. It would appear that she had a completely different expectation which seems to have been to move in with my sister (which isn't ever going to happen).

I've discovered I can log in on my mobile but not on my laptop.
Sarah, hope you can keep your sister to that! ie, don't let the SW/medics whatever say 'Oh, if it's a safeguarding issue, then all she has to do is move in with YOU and she'll be safe - Byeeeeee'!

Re the log in - don't try and hit 'reply' on a post, as that usually tells you you are not allowed to reply (!). You may have more success if you go to the top right hand corner of the screen, and use the log in there.

Not sure why, but the log in there seems to use the 'old' log in - ie, looks like it did before the recent revamp - whereas logging in at the end of a post has a different 'look' to it, and never seems to work!

If you draw a complete blank, you could try re-rgistering as Sarah v. 2 or something!
Where was mum living before?
Does she still own the property?
Could she move back there?
Bingo - top right hand login worked. Thanks for the tip.

Dad had sold their house in the South West in 2015 and they moved to Somerset to rent in a town with the proceeds. It was expensive and too big and still a long way from most other relatives. We gave notice just before Mum moved North so not available now.

Mum seems to have settled down a bit and is behaving better. She hasn't been night prowling since her last meeting with her doctor who has noted down all the concerns being raised. Some of Mum's acquaintances have even said she is happy though we never get to hear that personally :)
Well that sounds a definite improvement! Let's hope it stays that way.

And let's hope that any 'prowling' done on Christmas Eve is by a big jolly man with a sack full of pressies. :) :)

Have a better Christmas than you might have had otherwise - KR, Jenny
I'm hoping someone can offer advice on how to safely rehome our aggressive elderly mother. I posted an early part of this developing saga a few months ago when Mum began to become a nuisance. I must say at the outset that she has always been cold and antagonistic with her daughters, though not with her sons.

Within a month of moving into a cottage in my sister's walled garden both my sister and I were physically attacked (from behind) in separate incidents when Mum got into a rage. Attacks have continued periodically, usually out of sight of anyone including my sister's husband who originally found them difficult to believe as he 'gets on' with Mum. On my insistence we have logged each and every incident in writing with the doctor. During her most recent mental health consultation she refused any further treatment including anti-psychotics because it would interfere with her heavy drinking habit. On the health front, she fabricates symptoms of illnesses in order to undergo tests and have other medics fussing over her. Nothing is ever found to be wrong!

Mum has got healthier and stronger and heavier since last year and can now inflict bruises and push my sister over (mum is a youthful looking 83 and my sister is in her late 50s). Mum has now started to spread allegations that my sister beats her and if she thinks my brother in law is around will throw herself to the ground and claim she was pushed. These allegations are now having an effect on my sister's social life in their village. My sister has periodically had to go and stay with friends locally whilst her husband takes on the delivering of Mum's medication. My sister and I have been told not to be alone with Mum and after more incidents over the last two weeks my sister has been told to have no contact with her at all which is difficult when she lives a couple of yards away. Mum has become obsessed about this and continues to try and push her way into the main house to find her. On Friday the police were called after Mum attacked my brother-in-law (he is 74). He and my sister were barricaded in the house whilst Mum tried to break the door down. On the advice of the police, my sister is now in hiding with a friend in the next village and is not surprisingly suffering from acute stress. Mum is acting as if nothing has happened.

After her last doctor's appointment the doctor complimented my sister on getting Mum into such good health and added that as she was so fit and active he was not prepared to consider depriving her of her liberty! I am assuming that he will resist any request from us to Section her for a proper evaluation as she is non-co-operative and they have to visit her at home at the request of my sister.. Mum refuses to have a social services needs assessment and they won't talk about helping to rehouse her until she has one. Where on earth do we stand?

We need to rehouse Mum somewhere far enough away where travelling back will be difficult as I am convinced that the stalking will escalate even further and more dangerously when she barred from the premises. Mum hasn't got a tenancy agreement but pays rent monthly. She has considerable funds but cannot manage money and my sister and I have POA for health and finances. From my research it looks like serving her with a notice to quit and giving her two months notice of this would fulfil the legal requirements (though we are going to have to do this mob-handed and wearing crash helmets). Mental health have so far said that the family have to do this as they cannot be involved. When she is in the presence of others she puts on a doddery walk, grabs furniture for support and talks in a tiny querulous voice. It's all an act but people continually fall for it (except the mental health team who she turns the air blue at). My question is how to find her somewhere else appropriate to live as she is too fit and healthy for a care home (she can easily walk 7 miles) and arrange for carers to visit with her medication?
Good grief, what a situation! It seems almost unbelievable, and I can understand the problem you have in getting anyone to credit it!

Some fairly random thoughts -

I think, even without a formal lease, a tenancy has been 'established', and so, hopefully, that 2-month notice period could be effective - BUT, even when such notice is served, you may need to go to court to get an eviction order. 'Adverse possession' is very grim (hence squatters etc), so there may be a long haul involved. I would get legal advice on this from some kind of buy-to-let specialist landlord solicitor, who knows the 'tricks' tenants can come up with to avoid actually leaving the premises. (Legally, landlords aren't allowed to change locks and prevent entry etc). However, IF you and your sister have PoA, that MIGHT tilt things in your favour???

Secondly, it's really good that anti-psychotic drugs have been prescribed - even if not accepted! Knowing that she shows her 'real self' to the mental health team is excellent for you - and that must work in your favour. I dont' really understand about the refusal to section - surely she is a proven risk to others (ie, you and your sister), and especially if the police are involved.

You say she has money, and you have PoA, so I'm wondering whether the refusal to sanction sectioning so far by the (useless!) doctor (her GP, or part of the MH team??) is money-based. Obviously, psych wards cost a fortune to the NHS, and they are reluctant to section anyone they can possibly avoid!!! SO, I'm wonderfing whether if you made it understood that her 'stay' in an NHS psych ward under sectioning would be brief (ie, just enough to allow her to be forcibly detained there), and that you would then pay for her to be in a PRIVATE psych ward, that might 'encourage' them to agree to sectioning her?

It's clear she is a danger to you and your sister, and as you say CANNOT be allowed to 'roam free'. At her age, is it possible, do you think, for her obvious (!) psychosis to be regarded as dementia instead, and therefore a care home that specialises in 'difficult' dementia patients could work.

My MIL, with dementia, was a complete 'wanderer'! (She never managed 7 miles though!), and was 'expelled' from two care homes for trying to escape. (Poor soul, she just wanted to come home, was very sad, but tricky to handle). She ended up in a new care home in the 'secure wing' where all the doors and lifts etc were 'code-activated', so literally they could not escape. (Thankfully, she is now immobile, and in a wheelchair, and so is able to be back in the 'normal' areas again)

I say this to show there ARE care homes where 'secure wings' are available, for their own safety and protection (and that of others, presumably).

Whatever happens, with your mum, SOMETHING has to happen! She can't just go on blundering around like this, terrorsing all the women she takes against. What a nightmare.....

PS I know I'm not supposed to say this, but one can see why, in such situations, it would be tempting to 'slip' her anti-psychotic meds into her booze.......
PS- could your sister set up surveillance cameras to record her behaviour 'all the time'. Surely, your sister is entitled to take her own security precautions to justify such a move, and it would be on her own land, after all.
Thanks Jenny. I am going to look into the security camera aspect but not sure brother-in-law would permit it.

Mum has a short holiday booked with a friend in May and we didn't want to ruin it (for the friend) by giving notice beforehand. We need to do it during the working week so we can summon social services quickly if it all kicks off. My own husband has volunteered to be present to try and keep things calm. The date would be May 29. Mum will probably go into a panic so if I have a possible alternative accommodations lined up for her then I will. I'm hoping social services might take us more seriously once we have given the notice - it certainly might bring things to a head at any rate. I've already written a long letter to her mental health team about Mum's activities and the effect it is having on my sister and her husband, and some history of the adverse effects a similar situation had on my brother in 2016. I'm hoping it will be added to her file!