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Problem with a nurse in Mum's nursing home - Carers UK Forum

Problem with a nurse in Mum's nursing home

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Hi! I hope someone can give me advice on how to move forward with this worrying situation.
My mother is in a nursing home with dementia and I have an elderly father still living independently and one sister who I do not see or speak to. We have never got on even way before my mother went into the nursing home. My sister still works but I am retired so my Dad generally asks me first to do things for him as I mainly have the time and live nearer. My sister also occasionally goes AWOL & no one can contact her. She doesn't answer her phone or reply to texts or voicemail from me or Dad. The last time this lasted for 5 months. In that time my Dad had a couple of serious diagnoses and my Mum was diagnosed with leukaemia along with her dementia so it was important to get this info to my sister. Eventually her husband replied to a call I made & he gave my sister the update on my parents. While she has been distant I have been keeping in touch with Mum's nursing home and her GP about her illnesses. My sister recently found out that I had been in contact with Mum's GP and went to see the staff at Mum's home and apparently was concerned that she wasn't being notified about Mum's welfare. I had a phone call from the home asking me if there was Power of Attorney in place but there isn't but my Dad asked that I be appointed as an appointee with the DWP for Mum's state pension. This I do and her pension goes straight towards her care costs. My sister had a meeting with one of the nurses and that nurse asked to speak to me today. She asked if I knew that my sister had spoken to her. I did as my Dad told me. Anyway long story short, the nurse went on to tell me what a hard time my sister was having with a difficult marriage, a full time job and other worries and that as she no longer had our Mum that I should 'embrace' my sister and be a mother to her and talk to her! She seemed to have a great deal of sympathy & support for my sister without knowing my history or what had actually happened between my sister and myself to end up with us not being in communication! She said my sister was feeling left out of the loop and showed me the form that had our names & contact details on. She felt that maybe I just let my sister be the 1st person to be called if there was a problem with Mum. This would make my sister feel included! I said I would be more than happy to be the 2nd person to be called if that would make things run more smoothly. But what has really concerned me is that I felt that this nurse was out of order to tell me what to do with my sister, what my sister's personal situation was and yet said she couldn't tell me what my sister had actually said about me or anything else during their conversation!!
Can anyone advise me on whether I should take this up with the Nursing Home Manager?
I really felt patronised and the nurse had no inkling of my personal situation and had made a judgement that I should be doing more for my sister!!!
I really would appreciate any comments, opinions and advice about all of this as I now feel quite uncomfortable about going into the nursing home now.
Make an appointment to see the Matron/Manager. It is NOT the role of nursing staff to act in this way.
Your sister certainly sounds like she fits our "helicopter" definition. Don't hear anything for ages, drops in unannounced, tells everyone what to do and flies off again!
Your dad is "top dog" here, if he tells you to do something on his behalf, then it's absolutely NONE of your sister's business. She has forfeited her role as daughter by going AWOL and not communicating.
Thanks Bowling Bun
That's such a helpful reply! I was in a real tizz today about how to respond but it's made things clear for me now.
I've had a few issues with relatives too! Tell the Matron a bit about the family, so she knows the truth of the situation (and will have seen similar things before!). Then she can give clear instructions to all staff that they should refer relatives to her. Anyone who ignores this will be disciplined!
Yet again good advice Bowling Bun. I did try to explain the family situation to the nurse but she wasn't interested. I'll make sure the manager is in the picture when I see her!
Sorry I know I shouldn’t laugh as this is a serious topic but the expression “helicopter” relatative definition = Don't hear anything for ages, drops in unannounced, tells everyone what to do and flies off again! is such a classic.
One of my brothers is EXACTLY like that.....especially when my mum is admitted to hospital.
We fall out all the time over it....

You should speak to the manager as this doesn’t seem fair that the nurse has singled you out as the bad guy when it’s you who does most of the running around and has a better understanding of your what your sister is like
Linda, it's fine to laugh! Just think "here comes the helicopter" when it turns up next, and you'll be feeling so much more positive and able to shoot it down, ignore it, or send it on it's way.
Thank you....it seems to give me a little boost when you read other people going through the same issues and it’s not just me cracking up

So i thought dam it......and I didn’t allow the helicopter to land today as he thinks it’s ok for us to just drop everything and re arrange all our plans.....so instead we had a lovely quiet Easter roast lunch and a long nap in the afternoon....just me and mum lol.

All the best and thanks again x
This thread makes me cry because I had the same situation some years ago and my brother is the helicopter. My father had big problems with health but I couldn`t stay with him every time and my brother didn't answer me on the phone when I needed help. I left my work and I went to learn about nursing to help my father and I learnt in the best way and fast. This helped me to take care of my father all this time and now he feels better than some months ago.