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Have I lost her? - Carers UK Forum

Have I lost her?

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
I'm not new to the site but I haven't posted before, or not recently anyway. I've read other posts on the site so I know the answer to all this but I just need to sound off and feel less like I'm on my own. Basically, my father was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2013 and my mother was his "carer" but increasingly needed my support until I virtually took over the care. In October last year, my mother was also diagnosed with vascular dementia and in the space of 4 weeks over December, showed a severe decline, huge confusion, wandering around their flat at night, incontinence and very anxious at me not being there (I don't live with them) By January this year, I contacted Social Services for a carer review as I was in a bit of a crisis and a care plan was drawn up - but, as they have savings, it seems to be down to me to source the support via direct payments. Last week, my mother fell and was taken to hospital. Nothing broken but they found she has pneumonia and is in poor physical state so they kept her in hospital. Since then, every time I visit her, she shouts that I am evil, she'll never trust me again, if I try to talk to her she shouts "oh shut up" and basically wants me to go. My father seems to calm her by being there and I don't want him to stop visiting, although he does get upset afterwards (he's 94). I have to stay nearby as, if he needs the toilet, I have to take him. I understand that she is very afraid and try to just keep quiet and not annoy her but I feel as if I have lost my mother and our previously close relationship will never be the same. I'm also fearful of what will happen when they discharge her as I don't see how I can look after her if she hates me and is like this.
Sorry for the rant but I feel like the worst person in the world at the moment. Anyone got any advice?
So upsetting, try to think it's not mum talking, but her illness. You know the relationship you used to have, that was your "real" mum. How old is she?
She's 87 - has always been quite a worrier but knew that I was on her side. Now she thinks I'm just out to get her money and keeps telling the nurses to call the police because she's been kidnapped. I know she's not herself but I keep thinking that I'll visit one day and she'll be back to "normal" - sadly I fear it won't be as I recognise that her dementia is now quite advanced, even without the infection.
It's a case of one day at a time, wait and see. Being in hospital is very difficult for anyone, I know, I've had 8 operations! Talk to the nursing staff, after all they know they haven't kidnapped mum!
Hi Anna
Such a sudden onset might be because of an underlying infection. Some medications may cause confusion too, especially in the elderly.
She's not shouting at you but at the disease, it does do very strange things. Deep inside she knows she loves you and always will.

Thanks Bowlingbun & Mrs Average. It helps to be reminded that there's a 3rd "person" in this. .the illness. I do try to take each day as it comes and am thankful for any glimpse of my real Mum. I'm not a great participater of online forums but this has shown me the value of talking to people who have been there.
Hi Anna
Your post reminds me so much of when my lovely husband first had signs of vascular dementia setting in. He phoned the police several times saying he was being held against his will. In hospital at the time. The police came to my house in the early hours to investigate. He was vile to me at times. I nearly had a breakdown. Delirium was causing it plus UTI.
I had to learn to guard myself from the verbal accusations etc.
I'm explaining this to you, to let you know I feel your pain. It's dreadful. ((( Hugs ))) to you. Your mother's situation will change.
Thanks Pet66
I'm learning fast! It's a huge support to speak to people who know the pain and how suddenly it can change your life. Have moved Dad to temporarily stay with us now so at least I can keep an eye on him and be in my own home. Gives me strength to cope with visiting time.
I'm sure dad likes being with you, but when will he go back? You need to agree this asap or he will be there for life. Hard, but true.
Just an update as I disappeared for a few weeks and after all your supportive comments. Sadly my Mum passed away while in hospital, 3 weeks ago. Although it's devastating, I am reassured as it was so awful to see her in such a poorly state and she would have been unable to cope with long term care. It wasn't really my Mum in the end, I don't think that I lost her but I think I'd already said goodbye to the person that she was. My Dad is now going to live with us permanently (I know, I can hear the sharp intake of breath) At 95 years old, I really couldn't cope with him going into a nursing home...he has a very quiet nature and, from experience when he was in respite, people just tend to leave him be and don't have the time to coax him out of himself. At least he can watch us going about our daily routines and we can have mini conversations with him. I know it won't be easy (especially as I will now need to find sitters) but, if I need to review things later on if his care needs increase, so be it.
Thanks for all your comments, they were really appreciated.