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Letting the cat out of the bag - Carers UK Forum

Letting the cat out of the bag

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Just got off the phone from my mum in Scotland, evening time, so at her worst in confusion.
Anyway we visited recently, while we were up there we visited my dads grave which looked quite neglected, my husband offered to go back up during the kids school holidays and fix it all up.
Cut a long story short my mum relates this story back to me, only she has forgotton it was my husband that offered, and is saying her and my brother were discussing the cheek of him, they will see to it themselves and he should mind his own flipping business!
Now I know that they don't like my husband and never have, my brother is a complete control freak, so the story is absolutely true and I'm finding it really hard reconcile our differences and bury the past when obviously they all still feel the same way.
All of this goes way back to when my dad died and my brother decided he was head of the family and nothing happens that doesn't go through him first even though he is a proverbial chocolate teapot and has completely messed everything up.
It's a complete mess and I just felt like offloading, no doubt I will hear more home truths from their own perspective as time goes on.
Hi Vicky,
sorry about your family difficulties. If it was me I think I would (if possible) give it a while and perhaps go up and see if anything has been done to sort out and tidy up your dad's grave. If not sort it out your selves and then just go home, say nothing to the family. You will feel better that your dad's grave is nice and tidy again, and by not talking to the family about it, save on any more bad feelings and unappreciated comments from your brother (who should know better. Any way why did it take you to talk about the state of the grave before anyone else thought about tidying it up, was it just to 'spite' you and your husband?.

Good luck Image
Thanks Jimbo, I'm not sure they even noticed until husband offered to sort it out, they are so not practical it beggars belief which is why I fret so much having them, there are 2 of them by the way, looking after my mum.
We wont be able to go up and just do it anyway because that would mean I would have to tell my husband what has been said and I don't want to hurt him, he has had plenty of that over the years and seems to be unaware that they still feel that way, and lets face it he didn't need to offer in the first place, he could have just walked away.
No doubt as things get worse from my mum I will hear more of the kind of things she would have been capable of keeping to herself and it's just really hard to overlook it all.