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Dementia with anger - Carers UK Forum

Dementia with anger

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
;) Hi all, I haven't posted on here for a couple of years. I was "big bag fan" but had to change I.D and password for technical problems. Anyway desperately need help. Mum started with dementia a couple of years ago, as her full time carer, and with family help i coped OK. Over the last 6 months things have gone down hill quickly. Always very forgetful and confusion, not beeing able to get her words out, repeating herself a million times, all the usual stuff. Last Saturday something new happened I call it her 'episodes' My eldest sister and me look alike, mum started calling me S and why am I not here, to cut a long story short, she was screaming and shouting at me and pushing me away with some force, saying she wanted me, but it was ME (complicated!) The hate in her eyes was terrifying and the language I could not believe, it was like jeckle and Hyde. S and other family came and she accepted I was me, but I just cry when I think about it, it has happened again and she says why do I play these tricks on her as if its my fault, I feel so bad and guilty. Sometimes I just want to walk away, I don't even feel like I like her anymore. Just writing this I am in bits, like I'm walking on eggshells until it happens again. If i say one wrong word her face is like thunder. The last time it happened we were just about to start Zopiclone any way, so that did help to calm her. In the last couple of days she has started on Memantin starting with 5mg. Tomorrow she starts with 10mg. There not doing anything yet but I spose its too early. Does anyone know if they work? Please can someone tell me how to cope. Its taken far too long for a proper assessment, i told the gp she should of been seen long ago, maybe it wouldn't of got this bad. I have depression issues of my own and I'm getting desperate, I've talked to my to gp but she just said it is the progression of the dementia and its expected, she said just walk out of the room when it happens but mum always trys to get up and with her mobility problems, she can't stand without help she would probably fall flat on her face!!
Better end now or I'll be up all night.
Just sending ((hugs))' Honeypaws. I don't know anything about the drugs your mum is on. My mum too used to get rages and could become violent it is very very hard and yes, I never knew what version of mum I would get from one hour to the next. Do you have any support in looking after mum? You need regular breaks if you are going to be able to continue caring. One thing I do know, if mum blames you for anything, it is much easier to take that blame and try to placate her. Telling her she is wrong is likely to aggravate the situation. Wishing you a peaceful night, Anne x
Thanks Anne for your reply, much appreciated. All what you said was really helpful. I know its going to get harder so trying new plans to make it better for me as well as mum. Going to a memory cafe on Monday, we haven't been to any thing like this before so I'm really hoping we can find new ways to deal with things. My gp has organised a visit from an Admiral nurse to see if there's any thing they can do for both of us, and the family i getting involved more, i will let you know how we get on if that's OK?
Hug coming back to you :)
There is a thread on the forum entitled "My mum hates me". It would be a good idea to read through that member's experiences. If you ever feel you are in physical danger, dial 999.
Thanks Bowlingbun, I hope and pray it won't come to that. How do I find that thread, "my mum hates me". X
I struggle with doing links, but if you go to the purple tab row, the last tab says "Search". Click here and search "hates me" and you'll find it OK, I've just checked.
Hi Honeypaws,
How scary for you and upsetting. My mum has vascular dementia and although she hasn't got that angry or cross with me she has changed totally from the energetic coping woman she used to be.
Do you have a piece of jewellery or something not too huge that she would recognise as yours that you could wear to give her a nudge in the right direction as to which daughter you are?
I am glad you are getting help from family and that there is a memory cafe for you to go to. Mum refuses point blank to go to daycare or anything that would help the situation but is going into respite care next week which we both need right now.
I hope the help and the outing reduces the pressure a little, it is a tough and bumpy road we travel.
Hi Tracy,
Had the visit from the Admiral nurse, she was so lovely and couldn't be more helpful. She came with lots of info for me to read and her phone number to ring at any time, or just ask her to come again. She came for me to see what my needs were, both emotionally and practically which may sound selfish but knowbody has really done that before. Its always focused on mum. I could be really honest with her and felt totally at ease. She was here nearly 2 hours with a couple of cups of tea! Who ever reads this I would recommend getting in touch with them for that extra bit of support that we all need. Hope you have a lovely well earned rest, weather is supposed to get a bit better. B)
Hi Honeypaws
I am so glad the visit was a success, it makes so much difference when we get on with the person as well as getting lots of information.
Unfortunately our holiday didn't happen, my husband had a heart attack on Monday so most things are on hold atm.