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oh boy she hates me - Carers UK Forum

oh boy she hates me

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
190 posts
All of a sudden she is accusing me of giving away a non existent dog. According to my mum we had two dogs and I have given one away. She wants me to leave because I am evil although I own half the house from my dad's will.

This is very upsetting as she is refusing food because I got rid of the dog, even though we still have a German shepherd, talk about a shock.
Tim,

how stressful.

She doesn't really hate you, the dementia is making her confused. No less hurtful to cope with though.

Can you play along and tell her the dog is at the vets/ been taken for a walk / is staying with a dog loving relative or similar?

Melly1
Seems ok now she's had fish and chips and told me all about what her son (me) did and asked if I knew the number of the people who had the dog, I said I don't, phew.
Today my mum wants to ring the police about a non existent dog that she can't describe. Our real dog is confused about mum being upset. Trying to distract her but she can't forget, I wonder if she is going back to our previous dog.
Just a thought, but do you have photos of previous dogs that she might be thinking of but is getting frustrated about?

Maybe if those were up and in her eyeline, she might be less distressed about it all?. I quite agree with if not actively 'lying' at least saying whatever calms her down the most and seems to reassure her most.
Yes we do have pictures on the sideboard of previous dogs, fortunately she can't remember the phone number for the police. But I am getting it in the neck for not trying to find the non existent dog. It's quite distressing to say the least. I suggested seeing her doctor but she sees this as a way to get her out of the way. We're going through the angry stage at the moment.
Like I've just said to someone else Tim, I think you're just going to have ride this one out !

Hopefully, in a day or so, she'll have forgotten all about it but I know it's hard for you in the meantime. My Mum's fixation was that my Dad had left her and was living with a woman down the road - at that point he'd been dead for over 20 years, but as she couldn't remember him dying she could only make sense of him not being around by thinking that he had left her.

Perhaps it's something similar with your Mum - she obviously remembers your previous dog but, as the passing of the years has little meaning for her now she doesn't realise that that dog is long gone; in her mind it should still be there. Her mind can only make sense of it's absence by thinking that it has been "stolen" and you,being the only other person there, must be the culprit.

There is no reasoning with someone who has dementia - they are just unable to grasp your explanations. Which is why so many people now advocate the "contented dementia" approach of agreeing with the delusion and making an effort to live in their "world" - it's less stressful for the person with dementia and usually means less stress for us, the Carers.

If you're interested in this approach there is a book called "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James that you might find useful.
Thanks Susie, just this is the second day running and I am getting quite alot of abuse. Because I am acreep that let the people take the dog she won't even discuss what she wants for dinner and says she doesn't want anything from me. Will try again in an hour to see if she will eat.
Tim 1412

I read your post about your mum hating you, and I truly feel for you. Nobody can describe the shock of being accused, usually out of the blue, of some ‘crime’ you did not commit.
You may think you’re prepared for it because you’ve read up on dementia stuff, but when it finally happens you feel so hurt you feel as though you’ve been hit by a truck… that’s how I felt anyway.

But Melly1 and Susique (I bet ~I spelt that wrong) are right; it’s the dementia talking, not your mum. It’s taken me approx. a year to suss this.

For what it’s worth, here’s how I cope with it… I lie by sticking to the truth as closely as possible. This saves both my mum’s, and my own, sanity.

EG: A few days ago mum was getting very agitated and upset complaining that my SIL was taking advantage of her by expecting my mum to clean her duvet covers.

“I’ve got enough to get on without doing her duvets as well,” she repeated, over and over again. Mum's mobility is very bad.

Mum got even more upset and confused as dad tried arguing/reasoning with her, pointing out that X hadn’t visited for over a month, and that we got our duvets cleaned by using the local launderette as they had a machine big enough to take duvets but we didn’t.

All very logical of my dad (and factually correct) but mum simply got more and more upset/confused.

I then had to step into the fray by telling mum that I’d tell my SIL about the duvets, and I promised mum it would never happen that mum would be expected to clean duvets.

It worked! Mum calmed down immediately, and has yet to mention cleaning duvets for my SIL again.

Instead of arguing/trying to reason with mum, I went along with her. I did indeed mention the duvet stuff to my SIL (as promised to mum, but only to warn my SIL MAYBE what to expect when she next visited) and I could indeed promise it would never happen again because it never happened in the first place (but I kept that to myself.)

I still can’t work out if by lying I told the truth, or by telling the truth I was lying???

Either way, mum calmed down.

Somebody else on this site (I cannot remember who) called these tactics ‘love lies.’

We lie to our loved ones because we love them. It’s not my mum’s fault that her brain is being enveloped by these plaques and tangles making her act and think in weird and (occasionally) wonderful ways.
So, in the absence of anything better, I will lie through my back teeth to the extent that would shame a Politician (now that’s saying something!) :woohoo:
Trouble with my situation is she expects me to produce another dog, god knows what I will say to the police if she rings them.

A few minutes ago she had her coat on ready to go to our neighbours to get them to get the dog warden or police. Our neighbours husband had dementia but I don't think anything like this. I wonder if I should ring her and warn her?
190 posts