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needs constant attention - Carers UK Forum

needs constant attention

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
My mother has lived with us for the past 7 years due to dementia diagnosis. We have muddled through, somehow, and are lucky in that there is as yet no incontinence. The last year, maybe two years we have seen a marked decline, and find it hard to cope with her behaviors. She has become a hypochondriac, and verbally aggressive towards me at times.

Mum attends day centre, which she seems to enjoy, but on non centre days she is utterly miserable and will not be drawn into activity - unless we do the activity with/for her. This morning I have showered her, changed her clothing, cut her nails, and then cleaned her room from top to bottom as the dust was an inch thick. She helped where she could, and when prompted. By the time this was finished we went straight into lunch and I have now nipped off for a cuppa to have 5 minutes. She is now back to her default position, sitting in the chair, unable to do anything else, and if I don't soon join her again she will be back into bed.

What have others done in this situation? I am desperate to continue caring for her, but my energy is at an all time low. It is just never ending ....how I hate to talk of her like this as I know she can't help it, but I fear that I am going under.

Have you ever felt like this?

Welcome to the site.

My situation is different as in my 9 year old has Autism.
But yes some days i despair of the way he behaves, cant wait till the end of the day. he needs attention constantly along with routine and structure or it goes belly up.
Yes i feel guilty for finding some days incredibly difficult.
I also love him to bits and hes funny and keeps me on my toes.
I don't have any advice but there others in similar situations to you.

Tracey x
Thanks Tracey.

Now I feel bad for making an issue of our problems when I know there are always people facing even more difficult situations. I think you are absolutely wonderful, and thanks for the welcome to the site.

Think I am beginning to feel my age, and just can't keep up with it at times. Some days I begin to wonder about putting Mum into care, but it is such a huge decision.

Take care, and sending best wishes to your son. Life isn't fair at times, is it.
Dont you feel bad..everyones situation is different.

I have good and bad days.

When i first joined this site, i felt i shouldnt be posting as Zac is my son, i didnt feel like it was really a caring role .
I dont have to look after anyone else, just his needs ( and my 2 older kids).
There are many people in harder situations then me.

Lots of lovely people on this site, my life saver some days really.

Tracey x
ring adult social care and see if there is a dementia group for you both to attend,i take the wife to one and you soon realise that the things that you are going through at home everybody else is to,these quirks are normal with alzheimers/dementia sufferers,it's heartbreaking to watch the demise of somebody especially my wife at 41 but the support is a god send,don't forget that it's difficult to keep things in perspective when you are grieving the loss of the person that was and trying to accept the person that this awful disease has gave you,forget the bad times and cherish the good because when shes gone they are your memories and happy ones are better than sad ones,if you have an incident that seems major and want to know if it's normal or just want to let off steam ask,my dad had it and now my wife so i'm quite knowledgeable in alzheimers,not that i wanted to be i can assure you! ps she will be delearning life skills and eventually you will become the parental figure,this is hard to cope with but i find a good cry helps,imagine her as a child what do you do if a baby won't stop crying or a child won't behave,you walk off regroup and then sort it,that breather always helps to put things into perspective
Hi Ellie and welcome to the forum.

that's good advice from Malc Image

I iknow what you're going through as I have similar problems with my Mum - most days seems like we're joined at the hip Image Unfortunately I can't get mine to attend a day centre so have to come up with ways to keep her occupied and then I feel more like the Entertainments Officer than a Carer Image

Our decision regarding residential care has already been made and Mum is on the waiting list for a place at a local home - but as it is a very good and popular place it could still be some time before they can take her so we muddle on as best we can for the time being.
Thank you all for your kind replies.

Yes, excatly Malc. She is definitely my child in the care I give, since most of her skills have long gone,and I have given all that care willingly. It is her growing resentment that I am finding hard -it is palpable. I am almost on my knees coping, whilst she tells people what an awful daughter I am to her. It is the illness I know, but I just don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity.

Susieq this has reassured me, that others are considering residential care. I imagined that I was the only one in the whole world who would do such a thing to one's mother - everyone else must be doing a good job and perhaps I was lacking in some way. Perhaps I am. Mum is also on a long waiting list for a permanent place, and she has no idea. And that makes me feel bad too!

Ah well, I wish you all a very good day.
Hi Ellie,

you have have been given lots of great advice.

My caree has autism and his default position is lying on the sofa or his bed .... he needs me to initiate activities and do them with him, though he does thankfully surf the internet and do few chores independently. I used to feel guilty talking about S on here, but have come to release it is one of the best places to do so; because on here everyone knows that A) we love our carees and do our best and B) how difficult a task it can be.

The daycentre sounds like it is working, now your Mum's needs are increasing perhaps it is time to see if she can have more daycentre days? (Unlikely, but worth a shot!)

I'd also spend some time visiting residential homes - this doesn't mean you are about to put her in one, just doing a bit of research for the future.


PS just read your post above, having a longterm plan is no bad thing. If your mum being in a home in the future means you can have a positive relationship with her when you visit her and her needs are being met by rota staff who are not exhausted - then that sounds in everyone's best interests.
HI there
Just wanted to say I know how you fee! My Mum lives with us too, its just this last year that shes showing signs of dementia, were seeing the gp next week to see if we can get this moving for a possible diagnosis. I work aswell, and have 2 kids and my hubby cant work due to disability so I tear my hair out sometimes! I feel like I am neglecting her when she can t be bothered to do anything etc etc. I am the nagging daughter but my brothers can do no wrong!
Hugs to you X
Somehow - and I truly don't know how I did it - but eventually I "opted out" of mother's continual demands. I'd say "oh", "ah", "oh dear", "sorry", etc. etc. and focused my thoughts on whatever it was I was doing.

If it got unbearable, I'd write her a note in huge print, and pop to the shop for 15 minutes.

It is NOT possible to give anyone 24 hours undivided attention. Even in a residential home.

Please find some deeper hidden strength (yes, it's there somewhere) to stay....she wouldn't be better in a Home, and you certainly wouldn't as you'd need to deal with daily guilt & deal with phone calls asking you to go in & calm her down!!!

Leave her for a while - she WILL be OK.

Love & hugs - contact me if it gets too much, I know what you're going through.

xx Ruth