Mum died last night from Dementia

[lell7]

thanks Charles, I think 'could do better' is the apt phrase x

[crocus]

People say that when someone has dementia you do your grieving when they're still here

Yes, people do say that, but its not true. Even if you think you have done all your grieving, you find when they have gone that actually you had only started.

[barrowgirl]

Yes,I agree it isn't as simple as that .You grieve as they lose their communication , mobility,continence,sight .But when they are gone it still a shock that they are gone.It's final.I try to counter balance this by telling myself she had had enough,she wouldn't have wanted life like that.I know she's at peace now ,I have faith too which really helps me.

Hope you are doing ok Lesley ,it will take a long time x

[lell7]

Thanks barrowgirl, not doing too well at the moment but I think it's a stage I need to go through. As you say, we have to be glad that all their pain and distress is over now. We spent all our time trying to make things better in any way possible, and now there's no more we can do. That takes some adjustment. I'm glad you have faith, it must be a great comfort. I don't and that does make it hard to rationalise. It's very early days for you, and for me I suppose, so maybe we have to look after ourselves the same way we looked after our loved ones, and be glad of any small comforts. Hope you're doing ok, take care, Lesley xxx

[bowlingbun]

As I widow, I know grief comes in all sorts of different ways, at different times, it's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. For the moment, don't fight the tears and the feelings, they will go in time, of their own accord. Just be kind to yourselves, and don't put any pressure on yourselves in the next few weeks, because grieving is tremendously tiring under any circumstances.

[lell7]

bowlingbun - thank you xx Lesley

[SheWolf]

Thank you all.
We had the funeral yesterday...I managed to stroke the coffin on the way past to communion,and all I could think about was - I hope she had her socks on.I didn't want her to be buried with bare cold feet.Daft ,I know.

B.x

Not daft at all, you don't stop caring, even when the person has passed on. Your post, especially that bit, really moved me. Maybe it's because my mother feels the cold too and I just bought her some cosy bedsocks today. I'm sorry for your loss Barrowgirl.

My parents are both in their 80s and Dad has dementia, so I'm grateful for the info people have given about things that may happen towards the end. I hope I don't have to witness him going blind or turning comatose before the end. Better to have a few months less time than full blown dementia.

[barrowgirl]

She-wolf ,I couldn't agree more . If we could have willed mum to die earlier,we would.The dementia is so subtle for so long ,then when it really gets a grip it is shocking how fast the decline is and you desperately want your loved one out of it.

I hope your dad avoids that terrible phase - many people do as other things give up , but unfortunately my mum died from dementia.I only hope I am as brave as she was at the end ( and I certainly don't want it to be from dementia ).

best wishes
B.x

[daffy1]

It is a couple of months now barrowgirl when your mum died. I feel sorry for the people like my husband who has to live with dementia and in my case Parkinsons as well. I feel I would love for him not to have to live with these diseases with no real quality of life. He doesn't tell me when he is hungry, full up, thirsty, any real longing for any particular food. Now because of an added bowel problem and increasingly unsteady on his feet. I am not going to be able to take him on holiday. I feel that I am trying to live my life but dragging him along with me.
A sad few years ending I feel to what was a lovely life together.
I know I have not been dealing with this for half as long as some of you but it doesn't make it any easier.

[barrowgirl]

Hi Daffy ,I understand your frustration .It is so awful being unable to communicate with your relative like you once did.It sounds very hard on you .It helps to share on here I think and know others have been /are still going through it.Please keep letting us know how you are getting along.

Re my mum , it helped a great deal that we wanted her to be out of pain so her death was a release rather than a tragedy.This has made coping so much easier as I feel she is in a better place.

I hope you do get that holiday ,sad though it is without your hub.You need to re-charge yourself
best wishes
B.x