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Mother and Giving up Home - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Mother and Giving up Home

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Pamela - if your Mum is unable to stand unaided she must have been like that before they discharged her, so I can't understand why they have let her come home; it really does seem that they are assuming you will take up the 'slack' and that's just not good enough.

You are already sounding stressed and she's only been home one night; what state will YOU be in by the end of the week ? I think that they should have gone further into her going into a home from the intermediate care rather than going back to her place. It would seem that she really is in need of 24 hour care now. Carers 4 times a day is one thing, but what happens if she should fall between their visits, or if a visit is missed ?

Don't look on it as refusing to help your Mother - by taking a stand you are only trying to get the best possible help for her.

Thinking of you and wishing I could be of practical help.

Thanks Jane and Susie - ((((((hugs for you both))))
Hi Pamela and all!!

Yes I've reappeared again to bug you all!! Image No I've found half an hour to sit down and have a cup of tea and try and read your posts.

So sorry about the tough time you are having Pamela. I can understand what you are going through. Although Mum isn't quite at the same stage as your Mum I can see it coming very soon. I've been told by my SW that Mum would get no more hours on her care package and that at 27hrs per wk that would be the top limit!! Well what happens when Mum can't get to the toilet in the middle of the night and experiences all the problems that your Mum is having Pamela?? Surely, the SW will HAVE to arrange something. Just the other night Mum fell asleep on the couch woke up and she had a hypo. She tried to get up to shut the curtains and fell against the middle wall which alerted the neighbours, they rushed round and rang me of course. Things aren't getting any better for Mum and I just dread it when the time comes that I have to put her in a home. She might refuse, I know she doesn't want to go in.
Anyway, just wanted to say hello to you and I can sympathise with everything you are going through.
Elaine xx
Hello Elaine - well, I don't think that I would have had half the help if I had carried on caring for her - and the added night time care too. I just simply phoned the Social Worker one day and told her that I refused to do any more care for her! I told her my back was bad, my mind was bad and I was ready to break down.
It started the wheels in motion.
Now I don't know what's going to happen as she is adamant that she isn't going into a home and short of turning up with the Police to MAKE her move, the Social Worker doesn't know what to do! Obvoiusly she doesn't want to distress her like that. It's ok for the managers and the 'top dogs' to say that they aren't funding night time care after this week, but what then?
It makes me so mad to think of that generation; these are the ones who fought for us in the last war. I know it's a cliche, but it's true! They worked so hard, AND went without many things. My mother worked in the aircraft factory, somewhere around Manchester - she started work when she was 14 too. People like this deserve to be cared for in a respectful and caring manner.
Ok, rant over!
Don't feel bad. I've done the dirty deed i rang SS and said I can't cope with the violence anymore and I'm frightened I might retaliate. Within a week Mum was in a home. My feet didn't touch the ground that week and once it was all sorted I then sat back and cried and panicked whether I had done the right thing. I was worried that family might think i had just dumped her there as she was never a problem when they were around. But that was 10 weeks ago and she has settled in really well, we now have a nights sleep and are trying to get back to some sort of normality. I did expect to feel ok straight away but it's not until you stop being a full time carer do you realise how worn out you are. I'm still her registered carer and have to attend appoinments etc with her but I don't have the agro, violence and everything else dementia brings. Mum is always clean and dressed nicely, she has her hair done once a fortnight and she gets 3 meals a day with afternoon tea or fruit. So once I got over the initial guilt I came to my senses and excepted it was for the best. Mum very rarely asks to go home and very quickly has forgotten completely who I am. Although this is sad in some ways in another she is quite happy sitting there talking to anybody who will listen and very often they are chatting away and none of it makes sense!!!! You just have to be firm and follow the head as the heart will lead you astray. I know exactly what you are going through. Take care xx
Aw, thankyou for your reply, goody2shoes (nice to 'see' you again, by the way) I'm so pleased that it's working for you with having your Mum in a home.
Unfortunately, my mother can't be made to go into one as she still has some mental capacity and absolutely refuses to go into a home! She has the Social Worker stumped, I can tell you!
Luckily, she has now been passed to have a night time carer - but it means that she has to change to another Care Company, which means getting to know new people and making sure they do the job properly!
Still, I can't really complain! I must say that life is a lot easier now that the updated care package is in place **** Big sigh****