Mother and Giving up Home

[Caring_Mind]

Hello to you people who are reading -thought it was about time that I started a new thread instead of hijacking other posts with news about my mother!
At the moment, she is still in Intermediate Care. I've been reading through some of Jessie's posts and realise that in some ways, my mother is going through something similar.
Talk of SS and the fact that they are not very good? It's made me worry! Ok, so I realise that I can't cope with my mother's needs full time any more. I know that she will inevitably end up in a Residential Home, although I'd always said that wouldn't happen. (Little did I know then)....but today the S/W phoned and said that they would have to do a Mental Capacity test on her as she refuses to go into a Home and wants to go home. The S/W admits that they can't do it themselves, so are going to get one of the Staff on the ward to do it.
Is this legal?
I know that I've said that I don't and haven't in the past got on very well with Mum, but at the end of the day, that's what she is - my Mum and I want to do right by her, even if it's not what she wants!
I'm dreading the day when she accuses me of 'putting her away'! It sounds like I'm sending her to prison - and is that how she's going to see it?
It's ok talking about being right in 'letting go', but it doesn't stop these feelings. The head is well able to look at the rational side of things, but my heart is getting in the way!
Really, I suppose, this post is to get some of what I'm feeling out of my head - or heart, whichever the feelings are in. ......
Thanks for reading this and being there with me xxx
(Sometimes I don't even want reassurances - just someone to say, yes, that's what you're feeling and I accept it....
my partner always tries to 'fix' things, and that can't be done in this instance! )

[susieq]

yes Pamela, I know exactly what you mean - on the one hand I would like my Mum to go into a care home so that I can have some of my life back; on the other hand she doesn't want to and I can't/won't force her - ergo - catch 22.

Last year when I moved in with her I said I would do this for 12 months and then we could look at her moving into a care home - but deep down I can't see that happening; what I can see happening is me being here until nature takes it's course, or we go into a care home together.Tthat is providing we can find one that takes residents who smoke !!

I do know that if I had other responsibilities (partner, children etc) then I probably wouldn't have gone down this route, but would have set up an all-encompassing care package with a view to her moving into a care home as she deteriorated further.

Certainly I don't think you should be considering moving in with your Mum given your own situation with needing to care for your boys and your partner - you would be trying to split yourself into too many pieces and at the end of the day you would be the one to suffer most.

I suspect that although your Mum would be resistant to the idea initially, after a few weeks she would settle and will enjoy the company that living in a community will provide. And it could well be that the 'right' thing for her is a move into a care home.

Sometimes we have to accept that we can't be all things to all people and that not every problem has a solution that is acceptable to all parties.

[pixienubbins]

we wanted matts grandpa to go in a home, he didnt want to, he lived on his own and the only person who used to go and see him for a cuppa was me and matt to watch doctors each afternoon, matts mum told us not to do this so he would realsie he needed to go in to a home but we couldnt leave the old grump on his own, we both enjoyed having a natter and drinking tea! And he asked us to go, it was his house and his daughter was a bit mean i think . He wouldhave benefited though but it was his wishes, we took him a few times to the old folks club for a cuppa and a natter but he said he didnt like old people much! He wanted to go in the house he had spent most of his life in and where his children had grown up. His own children badgering him to go in to a home ment that when he passed none of them where on speaking terms.. Although as younger ones we can see the benefits they wont and the older we get the more stubborn we get (or cantacarous my mum said my dad is!)
I hope i will willingly go, it could be good fun, get fed, own room, people around to talk to, a lil window to sit and look out of, i may sign up now!

[Caring_Mind]

Thanks for your replies xx
I've seen S/W again, who has explained the Mental Capacity Act properly, so Mum is being seen by someone tomorrow at 10am. I must remember to get up in time!
Every few minutes she asks when she's going home! Still, I took her to the restaurant and had a snack there, then took her outside to sit for a while, to get some fresh air. Bryn came to see her, too; he was so excited to see his 'Granny'!

[jessie]

Thanks for your replies xx
I've seen S/W again, who has explained the Mental Capacity Act properly, so Mum is being seen by someone tomorrow at 10am. I must remember to get up in time!
Every few minutes she asks when she's going home! Still, I took her to the restaurant and had a snack there, then took her outside to sit for a while, to get some fresh air. Bryn came to see her, too; he was so excited to see his 'Granny'!

Hi

I really don't want to scare you, but please, please, download & read the Mental Capacity Act. SS have, in my experience, a very immature & distorted version of it.

[Caring_Mind]

Would you believe it - they're sending her home on Monday! EEeeeeekkkkk!!!!!
It looks like she's started how she means to go on - during my visit last night, she moaned and groaned until I could stand it no longer and told her I hadn't come to listen to moans and I was going home! She didn't like that one bit!
The social worker has put an updated care package in place - it's only the nights that are going to be the nightmare. She has to have nurses to help her stand in the ward - how on earth she's going to get up and down is beyond me, but hey ho, we have to give her a chance....chance to break her neck?
Anyway, this brings me onto the subject of Social Workers. As much as it pains me to say it, in my opinion Mother's social worker is one of the good ones...at all times, she's listened to what I have to say and has tried to abide by that, she also obviously has my Mother's interests at heart. I can see her struggling to combine the two!
At every stage she phones me to let me know what's happening at her end and keeps me involved with the arrangements of carers, day centre, looking into care homes and anything else that crops up.
Now, when she actually has to go into a care home, it may be a different matter, but I have to give praise where praise is due..

[susieq]

Good to know you have a decent SW who listens to what you have to say I must admit that the ones we've so far had contact with have also been OK, but then we have a very large elderly population in this area and they are used to dealing with the elderly infirm and their particular problems.

It looks like she's started how she means to go on - during my visit last night, she moaned and groaned until I could stand it no longer and told her I hadn't come to listen to moans and I was going home! She didn't like that one bit!

what's 'good for the goose is good for the gander' too you know I know it's difficult with dementia sufferers, but you have to try to put some boundaries in place if you are to continue caring - I think mine now knows when she's gone too far as I go very quiet and tight-lipped - she knows she's upset me, but not always sure why

Does she have stairs to negotiate in her place Pamela ? Could you investigate the possibility of a stair lift, or do you think she wouldn't be able to manage one ?

[Lazydaisy]

Caring mind, I second what Jessie says. We learnt the very hard way, that Social Workers sound as though they are giving you lots of info, when in fact, they can turn everything round and deny it completely, if anything goes wrong. Perhaps you could ask the Social Worker to set it all out in a letter for you, as you may need to refer to it again. There is no offence in that, and she should be able to do so, if she really does care about her work.
It sounds as though you are going to be very busy.
By the way, have they done a home visit?They can't just send her home, if they have not assessed her in her own environment.
Good luck. x

[Caring_Mind]

Hello again Susie and Jane.......thanks, both, for your replies. No, Susie, she doesn't have stairs, as she has a ground floor flat - thank goodness!
Jane - they did the home visit while she was still in the ward, and as she was away, I cleared away a lot of stuff that could get in her way, which before she has refused to have moved! I was hoping that she wouldn't remember it was there in the first place!
Now, updating it again - she was sent home yesterday, but, as we all thought, can't even stand up on her own to get to the toilet. So, it's very distressing to all concerned. She now has four lots of double-up carers a day, and spends a few hours every day at Day Centre. The problem is the nights! Last night (the first night back) she rang the lifeline about four times to say that she wanted to go to the toilet! Of course, it's an emergency only service, so all they do is phone us. We went over in the evening to take her, then we were woken up at midnight to go across to her - grrrrr........tried her on the commode, which she managed to tip over backwards (with her still on it) and bang her head on the unit behind her. So called out emergency intermediate care, and two nurses came out. Fat lot of good they were!
I am really ashamed to admit that I didn't answer the next phone call - I'm hopeless at night; just cannot wake up properly at all. Now, whether she got herself there or not, I don't know, but it seems that the early morning Carers came and went with no bother, so who knows?
Then the Day Centre bus turned up for her, and after her saying that she wanted to go back to Day Centre, decided that she didn't want to go after all! I stood my ground and said that there would be nobody here to look after her, so she had to go. Which she did, in the end!
So, just had a call from the Social Worker's 'buddy' (main social worker on holiday now) to say that he was going to arrange night time call, temporarily. Yea? I was told there WAS no night time care! At all! So, where does this night time care come from? Are they hiding them away? Do they just add boiling water and they miraculously grown into some?
Whatever, they have to do something, as I outwardly refused to give up my nights in this way!
It just shows -you really have to stand your ground before they'll do anything to help!
This isn't to say that I feel good about doing it - imagine, refusing to help one's own mother!

[Lazydaisy]

I hope that they do get some night time care. You can't go on like that. You need your sleep too.