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MIL with dementia crying for her parents - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

MIL with dementia crying for her parents

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
Great thoughts Honey. I agree with you. God bless you and your MIL!
Since my dad has been living in a care home, I've learned the power of a gentle and comforting lie.
My dad will often ask after my brother, who died in 2003 - wanting to know when he's coming in to visit, etc. It was hard at first, but I learned to say things like "Well, you know Dad, he's really busy at work at the moment, but I'm sure he'll pop in when he gets a day off," or "Yeah, I just spoke to him the other day! He's doing great!" After a while, I found it actually comforts me too and makes me feel better.

I also get it often with many of the residents of Dad's unit as they all have varying levels of dementia. A new elderly lady there the other day was wandering round upset and told me she was looking for her mum. I asked her what her mum was called, suggested she go take a seat in the lounge and if I saw her mum I'd tell her where she could find her. It seemed to work as the lady went off quite cheerfully. A lie, I know, but a comforting one.
I call these kind lies. Have to tell them to hubby and sometimes the other residents. Sort of get used to it. No choice.
My dad only asked for his mother once or twice and mostly called out the name of a cousin or more probably uncle of the same name who I presume he went to for advice/comfort as a young lad. I would appear instead and he never queried that the uncle hadn't appeared, he seemed to know I was me mostly up to the last month or so when it was doubtful. I think I just became carer in chief - the bossy one in his eyes. I never challenged the name, I just used to answer to it instead of Henrietta.

A couple of months before he passed away he said that he didn't know where he was (at home in the same house he had been living for 60 years) and asked to go home (his childhood home). I just dodged any explanations as he would probably have just argued being beyond reason by that stage. He asked me when we were packing , who owned the house , and when they would want us to leave, how long we were staying there and who were we staying with, several variations on the theme. In a way these conversations made it easier on my conscience when I did send him for respite in residential at the very end.