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Feeling Exhausted - Carers UK Forum

Feeling Exhausted

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
I feel so exhausted by just walking through my front door, I am still working Thursdays and Fridays, walked in tonight to a drawer under the bed completely dismantled and broken - but it had just come apart - something my husband could have fixed in a jiffy previously - he was going to block up the hole with bits of wood and cardboard, I said I could fix it to which he was not impressed, I know I should have just walked away but no I completely went berserk ranted, shouted all he said was whatever which made me worse. I am trying to organise respite for me to visit our son in May in USA, my flight is booked and paid for, he had assessment last week and yes he def has to be in care for my time away - but homes I have looked at can't offer respite until last minute as they are small and do not keep respite beds, looked at one just around the corner from me yesterday and they are opening dementia unit early May and I think he may be ok there,but of course it is all down to money,I need financial help from my local council not asking for all to be paid but why is it so hard, I am beginning to think is it worth it, just one more thing to worry about, hence why I lost it tonight, stressful day at work, e mails back and forth to social worker and getting nowhere I just felt such resentment tonight to my husband, now of course the guilt is there he is clueless and I feel I want to whack him one am I then the guilt again, am I such a wicked person, have I been so bad in my past I deserve this, I am feeling very sorry for myself tonightbut just needed to get it out, I just want to huddle under my duvet and wish it all away

you are not superwoman, you are not an automaton - you are a human being with feelings and a limit to your patience ! None of us have anything to feel guilty about - but we do - all the time. We also have the right to feel sorry for ourselves every now and then because our lives have taken a turn we weren't expecting and which we weren't prepared for.

I do hope that you manage some respite care for your husband, because it sounds to me like you are nearing the end of your tether and really need a break.

The only 'bright' side (if you can call it that) is that he has probably already forgotten the incident and now you must too - it happened, it's now history, no-one was hurt and now you must try and forget it, forgive yourself - tomorrow's another day.
Thanks - yes I know exactly what you are saying is correct - and why do we feel so guilty all the time, I am lucky as I am able to still leave him at home the days I work on his own - having prepared everything beforehand - Oh for that magic wand, could make a fortune if I could invent one!!!! That would be helpful with care costs!! When I do I will post it here Image
Hi Suan,

Susie is quite right - you are doing the hardest job in world, plus coping with stresses of working life. It is not surprising you are exhausted. Are you able to get mini-breaks on the days that you don't work - swimming or yoga perhaps? I know it is probably the last thing you feel like doing but sometimes it can work wonders, if your husband is able to be left for an hour or two.

I have no answers - just wanted to send a hug. As for guilt, we all suffer from that. Guilt that we are not Super Nurse and that resentment plays a part (or is that just me Image ).

Hope you get that respite soon. Oh and if you find that magic wand, send it my way. I have just been investigating the costs of home care - £750 a week - who can afford that ???

As Susie and Anne have said, it's okay to be human. There's a limit to what any of us can take.
Caring is a bit like trying to fill a bath with the tap full on and the plug out. And there are times when you need to close the bathroom door, put the plug in, and have a long soak to regain you energy and balance your sanity! I hope you can manage to do just that.
Thank you all, love the filling the bath Juggler so true and good description, I have been looking too Anne and £750 seems the norm, I could go see my son again twice for that, why is it so expensive, my husbands care assessment has been sent to a home in our area which is council run which I thought had actually closed, why has it been sent there and not to the one I have visited - money of course - but I will visit so will keep an open mind. Don't worry if that magic wand should appear I will wave it for all of you and make this horrid disease and others disappear. As for Yoga and swimming yes good idea have tried yoga in the past and was rubbish - I do have my cousins children on my days off only after school but it is such a joy they are 3 & 4 I have had the since they were 3 months old - they are the ones who have kept me going when I have felt rock bottom my husband enjoys there company also but in very small doses - feeling better today - but then I haven't got home yet!!!!!! We just have to keep smiling and it is always funny when I reveal to my colleagues what has happened at home, just isn't funny at the time Thanks to everyone this site is such a tonic
Hi Suan,
Not sure if these will help but I use something similar to keep my mum's hand and mind busy and it gives me some quiet time while she is occupied..

They are a bit on the expensive side but you may know someone who could make something similar or just find it cheaper elsewhere.
Often I find it is the seemingly small things which throw you over the top, only because things have built up over time.
After our experience with respite homes recently, I am thru with them and looking for short breaks ie. a weekend at a time with someone coming to live in. As my doctor said, it is too big a leap for some people to go from home care to a home with lots of people all needing attention.
As I have said before, winter is so difficult a time and as my husband who has dementia & Parkinsons has deteriorated over the winter, I wonder what it will be like when the warm weather does come.
I feel so sorry that he has to live thru this. It seems he is always being pushed from pillar to post. It was Good Friday must be about 3 years ago when he said he felt 'he had no control over his life'. He has deteriorated alot more since then and there is nothing I can do about it.
Another carer feeling sorry for her self.
I don't see those comments as someone feeling sorry for themselves, but as someone wishing things were different and their loved one was fit and well. I often wish I have a magic wand to make my carees well.