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HELP & ADVICE PLEASE - Carers UK Forum

HELP & ADVICE PLEASE

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
I have sat here for the last 3 hours wanting to go down to the shop & I have just realised that I am not going AS I AM FRIGHTENED I WILL NOT COME BACK.
My husband is being refered to memory clinic as the first step at getting help for the start of dementia , this morning he has been really nasty & he then has slept since 9oclock , he has been like this for months & I honestly do not know if I can carry on like this . I have cared for him for 38yrs & I am now more alone than ever as he now does not make any effort to talk or be even nice ,he is sleeping my life away.
I love him dearly , is what I am feeling NORMAL ? :?:
Pat
Pat, I think all carers go through all sorts of emotions and stages in their lives, the urge to walk away is a strong one and perfectly understandable when people are stressed out, exhausted and possibly frightened as well?

I've no experience of dementia but others on here have so I'm sure someone will be along who can give you some good advice from that point of view. But for now write as much as you want as often as you want, I think most people here have weathered tough times and will understand what you are going through.
Hi Pat,

Welcome to the Forum. What you are feeling is, in my opinion, entirely normal and natural. I care for my mum who I also love dearly but this does not stop me wanting to get a one-way ticket to anywhere and never return. They always seem to behave worst with those who care for them.

You say that he is getting an appointment with the memory clinic - that is good as it may signpost the way to support in your local area. Your local branch of Alzheimers or Age UK may also be of support. Or a local carers group? It depends very much on your local area what support is available. Personally, I have found the Dementia Advisor at Age UK very helpful.

Also, you and your husband are entitled to Carers Assessments from Social Services. Do not neglect the financial side. Attendance allowance (not means tested) may enable you to fund a sitter for your husband so that you can get a break. Advice from Carers UK Adviceline can be very useful.

Ask away, chat away, there is usually someone around.

Take care, Anne
Hi Thank you
I have been to the shop & came back , in all the years have cared for my husband I have never ever felt like that before , yes I wanted a break ,but never just wanted to run .
He has now just woke up & I got a grunt thank you for his drink nothing else , sounds silly reading it back to my self that I could get so upset on such a little thing .
I think it is really hitting home now as we have just had our 49th wedding anniversary & wondering if he will be like this on our Golden next year.
I have tried to get sitting service but he refuses to have them in the house , also now is saying he wont go into respite & believe it or not once got home from respite by just ordering taxi & telling the staff '' I would be home '' .
My husband has Epilepsy & has lots of pain from his back injury ,all caused by an accident in 1976 .
My family are good & help when they can or needed , but I now have no friends ,they have either died or drifted away .
Thank You for listening & being there for me , I hope you all are well & able to enjoy this lovely weather .
All Best Pat
Hello Pat and welcome to the forum :)

I cared for my Mum who had Alzheimer's until she died in March 2012 and many's the time I wanted to run away - as the others have already said your feelings really are 'normal' :)

The urge to just walk away can be really strong at times can't it ? That's why time out for ourselves ("me time") is so important - even a couple of hours just wandering around the shops, or a regular visit to a favourite coffee shop can boost our energy levels no end. In an ideal world regular respite time which our carees would agree to would be perfect - but as that doesn't happen very often we have to make the best can of what we get !

I'm glad that you've got family that help out - perhaps they could help out just a little more regularly so that you can get out more ?
Hi Pat

I've just read the other comments

I care for my mum who has Dementia and the urge to get up and go is totally common.
Your not alone ; as others have suggested check with AGe UK to see if there is a help group near you or if they can put you in touch with a sitting srvice so you can go out. Even an hour or so having a coffee somewhere watching the world go by is time well spent. Believe me I do it once a week.

Alzheimers UK can also be a source of help. also urge you to check out Carers Allowances and help you could get from social services.

I know its hard going and its not easy.
Please take care of your self as well as your husband.

with love