Some advice please

[Janette_1802]

My 92 year old father is in care home. I thought things would be better and they are in a lot of ways .
He went in under protest. Not managing at home but in denial of this. Lived alone with carers visiting 3 times a day .He hated them and would not engage. I got various organisations involved to try to keep him at home. He said they were all hopeless and did not want their help. The mental health consultant said he was confused. Had cognitive decline and did not have capacity to make decisions regarding his care and my Father refused to do anything to make life better. He sat in home with blinds and curtains shut and spent most of time in bed. He ended up in hospital due to bowel issues. Soiled bed for 3 days and refused help to get cleaned up by me or carers.
End of road for me . I spoke to social work . We got consultant to issue form regarding lack of capacity to make decisions. This triggered Care part of power of attorney and I am responsible for his care.
He is now behaving very badly. Hallucinations about seeing dead relatives. Stories about how bad staff are to him and loads of lies.Nurses suspect dementia now. He has asked one of girls who care for him to marry him .Sure he thinks that means he can get out and she will care for him. He has a bag packed each time I go in and says he's going home . Asked me to clean out bathroom but said no. I have always been told best to go along with what he says. He gets nasty when I don't agree with him . What advice can you give. Cut visits to weekly and of course now says I am not interested in him .He never asks me a thing about my life and is totally self centred. Should I ask care home for advice

[MrsAverage]

Jeanette, what advice are you wanting from the care home? It sounds like they have identified his issues and are doing their job ok and he is in the best place for him.

It is very very sad when someone we love deteriorates to this extent, but that's all it is, sad. You are NOT guilty of anything, you did not cause it and you did your best in very trying circumstances

If your visits are making you upset, think about self-preservation and maybe make the visits shorter, or at a meal time when there is more going on and less time for him to be nasty to you.
Sadly he will deteriorate more and the nasty phase may well pass and you can then resume more ofa loving relationship.

Remember it is the disease making him act like this. He would be nicer to you if he understood, which sadly, he won't

Xx
MrsA

[jenny lucas]

I agree with Mrs A. Cut back on the visits. You can't please him. All that could please him would be for him to be at home with a 'slave' of some kind! That isn't going to happen.

One 'good' thing about dementia is that, sigh, eventually, 'the fight goes out of them'. My MIL with dementia kept trying to 'escape'. But as the disease progressed she 'calmed down'. Now she is totally passive. Sad in a way, but much easier for the care home cope with.

Sadly, your father may well less agitated if he DOESNT see you - when he sees you he 'remembers' his old life.....eventuallky he will forget it completely, and not evenl realise he's in a home. That is sad, but in way, a blessing, too.

It's a vile dsease, but there it is - all one can hope for is that the end comes quickly, so they are finally released. We can't possibly want them to 'linger' - it's too awful all round.

[Janette_1802]

Thanks for support . It does help. Seem to come on here and rant when it gets very bad.