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family - Carers UK Forum


For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
what do you do when other members of family dont accept the illness

gramps 84 with mixed dementia also limited mobility and lose balance easy
in fairness he is very stubborn and wants his own way
but family member take him out and then goes home and leaves him to look after himself
to them cause he said he ok that its alright to leave him
Tricky one, Angela. I suppose you could get them some leaflets on dementia, or make sure they take him next to the memory clinic or whatever to hear what the doctor has to say, or perhaps you could tell some "Gramps stories," about his various escapades/ near misses to help them realise how vulnerable he really is.

i have tried talking to them
gramps has it in his head that he can live on his own and family member thinks he able to live on his own
sadly he not
yes i am aware that there is people with his condition on their own but they have good family and friends and they also allow home help in
gramps dont have that net of support other than us (his son and myself) and he wont allow home help cause he would have to pay for them
Hi Angela,
Denial amongst the elderly about their limitations is really common. Even when they agree to have a needs assessment they often fib about how much they can do for themselves. Other members have sometimes sold extra help to their carees by putting a different "spin," on it. E.g telling them the help is actually for them, saying that the care worker is on training and the caree is there to train them to help others who really do need help etc etc No easy answers I'm afraid. Hopefully others will be along to post suggestions too.

My Nana is 89 and has just moved to a care home as vascular dementia has really taken a hold of her since the back end of last year.
She has always been stubborn to the core - she previously broke an arm after climbing on a chair to take down Xmas cards, even though my parents lived literally two streets away because "I can do it myself."
Even after the dementia started kicking in she was utterly INSISTENT she was fine, because she was convinced she was. As a former nurse, she absolutely refused to go to the doctor and basically accused my mum, my stepdad, my uncle and aunty of all ganging up on her and bullying her into it.
It got to the point where my mum and aunt were having to sit there in front of her and watch her take her meds because she if they tried to prompt her over the phone she would either lie and say she'd taken them when she hadn't, or she'd get muddled up and take the wrong ones at the wrong time.
She also pretty much stopped eating or would try to cook things and burn them because she would forget they were in the oven or try to microwave pies in metal dishes.
She was admitted to hospital in the new year, treated for a while, then discharged back home to her flat, where she lives alone. No carers, no assessments, nothing other than my mum, stepdad, auntie and uncle, all of whom are still working full or nearly full time, apart from my aunty, who has her own mum to care for.
Inevitably, even with being visited three or four times a day by family, she ended up having a couple more falls and was back in hospital, this time with broken ribs and pneumonia.
That meant a permanent move into a care home because the local authority would not fund overnight care in her own flat, which was unsuitable for a person requiring full care anyway.
Up until the beginning of this year, despite her increasing frailty, my Nana would have been considered to still have capacity, therefore there wasn't much we could do if she said she was fine and could manage on her own.
My uncle was very reluctant to go against her wishes and was unsure about the care home right up until literally about a week before she actually went. Sometimes people don't want to admit their family member is needing extra help and becoming vulnerable - denial is easier than accepting the truth, because the truth means staring mortality in the face and making full eye contact.
I found that really hard, because I've always been so close to my Nana. Even now, when we're clearing out her flat I have moments of "But what if she gets better and can come home?" I know it's not going to happen that way, but there's a part of me that hopes against desperate hope.
Hopefully your relative will realise soon that you're not just doom-mongering.
In a way, we found my uncle's near denial a useful tool - it meant he and my mum were able to play good-cop-bad-cop when trying to get Nana to attend appointments and stuff - it was almost like "Come on, let's do this and show her how silly she's being and then she might shut up and stop mithering on..."
It is very tricky situation when someone elderly feels they are loosing their independence. I dont think I would call it denial but I saw with my late mother that she was frustrated and did not like what was happening to her. The only way we managed was to make sure everyone in the family was " singing from the same hymn sheet " so to speak. We ensured that she was safe and convinced her to have help at home.
thanks for all the replys
few things have happen since
i could write a book

but on the good side the family member in question is moving house soon so that should help ease some of the problems