Advice needed

[Chita]

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[crocus]

Yowzer, what a choice!
What would you do for income in Spain?
What would happen about support - would you be completely on your own? Would you be able to have careworkers in when she deteriorates? Would you be able to access respite to keep you sane or if you are ill?
I dont know the answers to these questions as I dont know what happens in Spain, but I think this is the sort of thing to think about
xx

[Chita]

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[Bluebird]

Difficult choice for you, but I think that it sounds as if you both want to be in London and I also think that you will get more support in the UK. As your Mum is keen to come back to London with you, maybe the move won't affect her mental state because it's something she wants?
You know your Mum best and you will make the right decision and if you make a decision that needs to be changed in the future, then you can do that too.

Try not to torture yourself with sleepless nights x

[bowlingbun]

You need to consider your needs and mum's equally. Decide what is best for you in the LONG term. Going to Spain sounds like a short term solution, but in the long term, disastrous. Are they saying Mum has the beginnings of dementia or similar? If so, I'm sure the Alzheimer's Society would have lots of things to help you decide. I put the needs of a caree above my own, missed out on my dream job, and bitterly resented it ever after. Now I'm under retirement age and widowed and unemployed. If mum came to the UK, I don't know whether she would be entitled to immediate support here, as Spain is in the EC. This would need to be checked carefully. Will mum be entitled to free medication to keep any deterioration at bay in Spain? In England? Also find out what is available local to you. Is there a Carers Support worker attached to your local Social Services? Have you thought of seeing a counsellor to help you decide? Also, whilst mum is only mildly impaired, be sure to sort out a Power of Attorney. What does mum want to do most? I imagine she is pretty frightened? In short, there are a lot of things to find out about. Once you have done so, added up the pros and cons, you and mum should be able to reach a decision which is right for both of you.

[Tristesa]

Maria, I know this is a really hard decision, and obviously I don't know all the circumstances, but I feel strongly that bringing your mother here to live with you is the better course, especially as she is willing to come. If she hated the very thought of it, that would be a different matter. It is not even certain that her condition would deteriorate more rapidly here than in Spain. I suspect that your presence is much more important than the external environment, and the sooner she comes, the better, so that she can start to become accustomed to the new surrounding. She would not be 'going to live in London', but 'going to live with her daughter'.
Our social/medical support is not great, but at the moment I think it is better than that in Spain, and it is hugely important for you to be able to work and earn an income for as long as you can.
The very best of luck to you.

Tristesa

[crocus]

I think any sort of change is difficult, but probably best to do it while she is still well enough to cope. If you leave it too long she may not be able to move at all. I have known a couple of people who have stayed in unsuitable accommodation thinking that they could always move later, but when they got to that stage realised that their caree wasnt well enough to make a big move and were stuck.
Can you do things so that she has familiar things - furniture, pictures etc around her? That may make it less traumatic for her.
While she is still only mildly affected, that is the time to make friends - maybe a carers drop in, maybe a befriending service like crossroads - and start a network of support.

[Chita]

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[bowlingbun]

Maria, if you decide that London is the best option, then think very carefully about where you will both live, and how it will be funded. There are a number of people on the forum whose parents moved in when relatively well, but then when they declined the carers were almost imprisoned. Parents can forget that their children are adult with lives and friends of their own, especially when they are ill. Another problem is that where a parent and child live together, sometimes the authorities have a tendency to think the child is providing care so they don't need to. Also consider future mobility problems, a first floor flat with stairs and no lift might be fine for you, but for a very elderly person in a wheel chair it represents a prison. These are obviously worst case scenarios, but still need consideration. Also consider whether or not mum might need full time nursing home care in the future. It might be better for you and mum to buy a new house together, but beware of the rules about "deprivation of capital". Due to my own mobility problems, I now live in the "granny flat" of my own home, as my son and his partner and baby live upstairs in my cottage. We share the big family kitchen and lounge, but can both come and go without interfering with each other. You might like to consider a "granny flat" scenario too.

[Chita]

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