Aged mother (ill) but main problem is personality disorder

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
I don't fit into your categories!!!!!

I care full time for my mother who has vascular dementia. However, she has pre-existing mental health conditions & diagnosed personality disorder.

Help please.

I moved in with her a year ago to care for her physical limitations, but it's reaching the stage where I will soon actively hate her and lose all compassion. She recently broke her pelvis & her behaviour was so appalling the hospital discharged her & now refuse to treat her ever again saying she's a safety & security risk. Since then she's made 4 emergency calls to the ambulance & police, they don't want to know either.

In desperation I phoned her psychiatrist, who in turn phoned Social Services. They agreed to call an "emergency meeting" to discuss....that was TWO weeks ago.....what an emergency.....I'm genuinely about to crack & don't know where to turn.

Rant over....thank you.
Hi Jessie,

Sorry to hear of your predicament.

Why don't you call the Emergency On-Duty Social Services Officer for an urgent assessment and tell them how desperate you are. When I was going through a bad patch caring for my elderly mother who has Alzheimer's (plus I had hubby ill at home and son in hospital) I rang them and they acted immediately. I know how frustrating it is waiting for something to be done, it's like watching paint dry!!

Keep your chin up and let us know what happens, lots of hugs,


Elaine.

P.S. I don't think the Pyschiatrist rang the Emergency On-Duty Social Worker or else someting would have been sorted by now.
She recently broke her pelvis & her behaviour was so appalling the hospital discharged her & now refuse to treat her ever again saying she's a safety & security risk. Since then she's made 4 emergency calls to the ambulance & police, they don't want to know either.
Police are irrelevant but ambulance and hospital should receive formal complaints - and by the sounds of it, in person and by her MP. To hear of a hospital refusing to treat a patient is disgusting. Oh, the other good one is the media - local tv station and newspaper.
Why don't you call the Emergency On-Duty Social Services Officer for an urgent assessment and tell them how desperate you are.
Firstly, it's knowing such a service exists and secondly it's knowing it's the appropriate service for the situation. Caring is a minefield of unknowns ! More importantly, why didn't the hospital call for help?

Mike.
Thanks so much everyone for your support....sorry to have taken so long to reply.

After my last post, I contacted her psychiatrist for more advice because I'd been slapped over the wrist under the Mental Capacity Act for intervening to prevent her making an "unwise decision", i.e. agreeing for a bed guard to be installed when she disagreed.

He, in his wisdom, contacted Social Services to arrange an emergency meeting to be held within days, as I understood it to debate how I could best help my mother without falling foul of the Mental Capacity Act again. This was on 19th February. I waited, waited, cancelled ALL my personal commitments for building a business - then discovered that the outcome of the meeting had been decided before it took place - she must go into an EMI care home and she must pay. The meeting would be a sham. Where I was supposed to live I don't know, and by the time I accidentally stumbled on this information, all benefits would be stopped within next 2 weeks, I was really frightened.

I also discovered, by default, that the psychiatrist had declared to Social Services she had lost capacity to make decisions on her long term care. Legally, he should put this in writing to me, as I can then instigate Power of Attorney, but he didn't.

THEN........still before this so-called emergency meeting......she had a stroke on 8 March.

She recovered reasonably well, was discharged from Hospital to a Care Home (£600 pw) because as a result of my phone call to the psychiatrist on 19 Feb someone had written on her notes "daughter can't cope". I agreed for a convalescence period, but I was sent a long term contract and pro forma invoice for £3,500. The Home changed her GP.

When my daughter and I told the Home Manager we intended to take Mum home, within minutes she'd arranged the "best interest" meeting with herself, Social Worker, Psychiatrist and her "new" GP to be held next week.

I honestly felt scared and bullied. We'd asked to take her back home several times, but met such resistance from the Home Manager that eventually we went to my mother's solicitor, who told us we MUST take the Power of Attorney documents into the Home immediately and if they still refused to release her, we must get the police.

She's home now, and no-one has told me what to expect as a result of the stroke, or any effect on her behaviour. I can't talk to her GP, because the Home changed him, and I've got to wait for re-registration at her old GP. I can't talk to her "new" GP because she will only discuss matters with the Home Manager. Social Services wrote me a letter within hours of her leaving the Care Home saying they intended to come to my home to "assess her capacity".

If I'd let this go on for one more week, her "best interest" meeting would have been held by the Home Manager, Social Worker, Psychiatrist and new GP who knows nothing about her or her family.

I'm sitting here with tears of frustration and fear running down my face.

For me, it's now a full scale legal battle. I can see now my mother must have had a very hard life coping with and hiding her mental illness and I've forgiven her now for all the harm and hurt over the years. I've told her I think Social Services/Care Home are after her money and that they think I'm after her money. She laughs and says she always worked hard for me to have it. I think the winners will be the inevitable and necessary lawyers.

I've also discovered from my panic searching of the internet, that if a patient is deemed mentally incapable under the Mental Capacity Act AND has a diagnosis needing EMI specialist nursing care then she is unequivocably an NHS continuing care patient. Social Services did say to me on the phone (but I can't prove it) that if the old psychiatric hospital (well loved and admired locally) had not closed five years ago, she'd have automatically been transferred there. My legal battle will be long and hard.
Oh Jessie - there are no words that can describe how I felt after reading your post! I am shocked and appalled with the way that you and your Mother have been treated! It sounds as if you have been through hell and still have a long way to go!
I feel so inadequate as I really have no advice or help I can possibly offer, but am sure that someone will be along soon with some ideas. ....please, keep posting, have a rant and rave xx
Hi, it's me again, with an update which will almost certainly shock you....

I went to see my mother's GP & told him my story. He said he'd had no report whatsoever from either the Psychiatrist or SS regarding my mother's mental health condition or even a diagnosis. He'd not been notified that she was in a Home, nor did he know her GP had been changed. He said he'd heard "on the grapevine" what had happened to her (fortunately it's a smallish rural area where local gossips are everywhere!!!) but had nothing via their internal medical systems.

He went on to say with a grim wry smile: "SS are victims of the recession too - they/the Home needed your mother's money. If that "best interest meeting" had gone ahead, they'd have sold her house like that (clicking his fingers). It's not the first time I've heard this - there are others in Homes who were put there before their relatives realised the extent of what was happening. Luckily, you didn't sign anything. He was not at all surprised at the difficulties we'd had in getting her out the Home.

No - he said - they did not have the right to change her GP, nor does Social Services have the qualifications or authority to make decisions on "capacity" which they imply they can, and although a Psychiatrist does, he cannot make such a decision without consulting the patient's GP, the patient herself, her family, carers etc. He said it's illegal.

He refused to discuss my mother personally on grounds of medical confdientiality - yet her Psychiatrist, his staff even the receptionist, and all and sundry in Social Services, the Care Home, their staff, have been told all manner of things about her mental health from the Psychiatrist & SS.

I am truly appalled, but pleased to find that he did not stick to his professional colleagues, but came down on my side, looked at the patient's holistic best interest and didn't care tuppence about money.

Please, everyone, don't be fooled by Social Services. I was naive enough to trust them and I believed them when they briefly outlined the Mental Capacity Act to me. I've since downloaded the Act and studied it hard. SS only select the sections which suit them. They're con artists.
Jesse I really feel for you, what a terrible situation. Your post is very scary.
Keep us updated,
Love and hugs,
Blue xx
Jessie I can't believe what you are going through and still took the trouble to answer my post. Please keep us updated as I think this could affect many of us on here. It makes you too scared to admit anything to SS in case they take it all the wrong way. As you say they are only after her money I suspect as budgets etc have been cut.
Take care ((((((hugs)))) Image
Jessie I can't believe what you are going through and still took the trouble to answer my post. Please keep us updated as I think this could affect many of us on here. It makes you too scared to admit anything to SS in case they take it all the wrong way. As you say they are only after her money I suspect as budgets etc have been cut.
Take care ((((((hugs)))) Image
I've now decided to only deal with SS by letter, I won't phone them or anyone connected with them ever again. No messages, no email, will not talk on phone, no contact except in writing.

They take their time, but when we brought Mum out of the Home, that very day. immediately, SS wrote to me. It was a nice letter (actually she's a particularly decent social worker) asking/directing me to phone her. I could so easily have fallen for it and been trapped again.

I wrote instead. SS have NOT answered my letter, even though they'd asked to see Mum within a few days.

I think this is gross negligence. IF they honestly & truly considered Mum should be "detained" in a Nursing EMI Home for her"best interest" & nursing care, but we brought her out, they SHOULD be very concerned for her welfare now in the community. Two weeks later......obviously they're not.

I know I'm sounding paranoid, but according to my GP, I'm perfectly sane & normal!!!!!! Image

Love & hugs to you.... Image Image


ETA: I've since discovered the Home was giving Mum the wrong eye drops....the drops were changed a long time ago because she'd been suffering breathing difficulties on the old type, but no-one at the "Home" had checked & gave her the wrong ones.
Contact the SS by letter only - EXCELLENT

Mike.