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Caring for elderly undiagnosed ASD spouse - Carers UK Forum

Caring for elderly undiagnosed ASD spouse

For issues specific to autism / Asperger Syndrome.
Anyone else out there caring for an octogenarian who is almost certainly autistic but of course never had a diagnosis?
The rigidity of thinking is worsening.
Today I got in trouble for ... getting up earlier than my usual going-to-work time.
I know I should have warned him, but I woke up remembering something I should have done last night, so I just got up and did it.
He came downstairs to tell me off!

It is very frustrating having to live my life to a strict timetable. If I'm working from home, my lunchtime and finishing time must be accurate to the minute.
Anyone else in the same boat?
That sounds dreadful, very controlling behaviour.
Has he always been like this?
Yes, but it has got worse!
I suspect there are quite a few people out there who have no idea they're in your position! Most of the carers looking after a spouse/partner with autism realised the situation only after they had a child diagnosed. One situation I'm aware of resulted in son, father and grandfather being diagnosed.

I think what's happening is quite common. As we age, we become a little more rigid, a little more set in our ways...and it's going to be worse, and much more noticeable, in someone with autism. Working from home must have been a nightmare for him because there are no clear boundaries, so he felt the need to set boundaries that life tends to ignore. He's reacting out of fear, and that's going to make it much harder for him to control and for you to bring him down a bit. He's likely to be jumpy now if you have to get up to go to the loo at night.

I can't think of any way around this one, other than perhaps telling him what's happening, but frankly he'll just get worked up anyway and you may not be able to get the task done that you need to. Short of logging the time somehow to "give back" later, I've no ideas for this at all.
As someone who hates any form of routine, I'd hate this. My brothers and I never had routine jobs where we did the same thing every day.

Surely if you are still working and he has been retired a long time, he should be grateful that you are significantly contributing to the household income?
However, I'm sure he'd probably prefer to have a "good little wifey" at his beck and call 24/7, which is exactly why you must ignore his comments so you can escape!
He probably thought that by having a much younger wife he could sit back and do nothing as you would do it all?
Are you familiar with the term "coercive control"?
If he actually does have autism. coercive control is not the issue. It's a need for predictability. While the effect on others can be similar, the basis for it is different, and requires a different approach.
I think you've actually both hit the nail on the head. It comes across as coercive control but it's coming from a different angle.
Controlling it certainly is. This morning I reached for my phone.
'You haven't got time to look at that.'
'But I was checking my FitBit app to see if it was charged ...'
'You haven't got time ...'
I am 64, being told not to use my own mobile??? I swear under my breath a good deal!
Would I be correct in thinking your husband doesn't have any hobbies or interests, so you are the sole focus of his day?

I have no experience of living with a seriously autistic person.
I would find such close monitoring of my behaviour impossible.
Can he use the internet?
Does he go to any clubs or similar where he can do his own thing?
Dont worry too much about this, what support do u have in place for getting diagnious of person you are caring for.?