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I cannot cope any longer - Carers UK Forum

I cannot cope any longer

For issues specific to autism / Asperger Syndrome.
I really need some help

My son is 10 and has asd/adhd, his behaviour is extreme and school can no longer cope with him so he's at home all day. He doesn't follow any rules and doesn't understand consequences, behaviour charts etc.

He swears at me, hits me and my younger child and hurts the family dog. He has just been pulling plaster off the fireplace and laughing at me. He doesn't care about anything.

From the moment he wakes up he talks to me like s..t, if I tell him that's not acceptable he will say and what are you going to do about it. He has me wrapped around his finger like I'm the child and he is the adult. I have tried every behaviour reward system/punishment going and he doesn't understand them, even when it's explained and he says he understands.

We have respite once a month through our direct payments, one month is a weekend and the other is Mon-Friday. But it's not enough.

I am suffering serious depression and don't want to get up in the mornings. I feel like ending it all as I'm so worn out. I cannot cope with him and the daily life that goes with it. He will antagonise me from when he wakes until I finally get him in bed. Roughly for 12 hours a day every day. We don't go out anymore, because of his behaviour and the fact he refuses to follow my rules about dangers, (deliberately walks in road, runs away etc). I want to ask for emergency respite care now, but I'm frightened that he won't be allowed to return home again. I'm finding him difficult but I don't ever want to give up on him :-(
Welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry to hear of your extremely difficult times.
My situation is different to yours, as my husband is in a nursing home.
You must ask for emergency respite. Otherwise you will collapse and that would not be of any help to your younger child or the family dog. Asking for respite, isn't giving up on your son, it's actually helping him.
I'm sure others will be along with sound advice, which I am unable to give. I'm hearing you though and feel very much for you.
Hello H,
Have you looked up the various organisations and charities who offer help? There's one called Young Minds with a parents help line. www.youngminds.org.uk/autism‎. I think you need expert advice and that much needed break.
So sorry you are going through such a bad time.
What is your Education Department doing about finding him a school. In my area there are a number of SEN schools, with boarding available, for pupils with the same sort of problem, run by an organisation called Cambian. My son, now 37, has SLD but fortunately no behavioural problems.
I think your LA is just trying to save money.
There is an organisation called IPSEA who helped me get a place for my son at a special school, I would strongly recommend you give them a ring. They told me exactly the right words to use in letters etc. and it worked a treat!
Come back here as often as you need, although many people are caring for the elderly, there are lots of us dealing with younger age groups too, and at least one SEN teacher.
Hi H,
Coping with a child with a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD is exhausting particularly day in, day out. Being cooped up at home isn't good for any of you.

Ok, some questions:
Was your son attending a mainstream school or a special school?
Has he been permanently excluded?
Does he have an EHCP? (Education, health, Care plan?)
What other professionals are involved with your son?
Does your son take meds for his ADHD?
and finally, Where does he go for respite?

My son is excluded from a EBD special school, because he won't take his meds. Camhs are completely useless. We have a social worker but he isn't supportive. Noone apart from school and myself agree residential is the way forward, due to attachment issues. Respite is paid for from direct payments and is council run childrens home for special needs.

I have just snapped his xmas present and put in bin but he doesn't care. I'm at my wits end
Then ring IPSEA Monday morning. There is only so much any of us can cope with.
Hi H,
It does sound as if residential school is his last hope at getting an education. Since he hasn't been excluded from the respite provision, it appears that a residential setting suits him. IPSEA are definitely the best to advise you of the way forward.