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Carers UK Forum • Manipulating behaviour?
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Manipulating behaviour?

Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2020 8:37 am
by crux
Hi all,
I'm 60 & live with my daughter, 31. She was diagnosed at 3 as having infantile autism. She's worse than she appears to be.
She's very able, having a part-time job, her self-care & life skills are good, too. She's got various scientific obsessions & has an unbelievable memory for facts & figures.
She's capable of independent living with some support. I'm supporting her & she's saving up for moving out. I'd say we have a good relationship.
It's her behaviour towards me that is of concern.
She has a cycle of getting very upset about something, seeking reassurance & comfort from me, repeat. It's usually something someone has said sometimes years ago, something she's read or seen on youtube. For example, she wants to get married sometime & someone told her years ago it wouldn't be a good idea. Like a conflict - she'll almost create a conflict to get the comfort in a cycle. Anger isn't in my nature but she does make me feel irritable acting like a prophet of doom & being very persistent until she gets the behaviour she wants.
She's intruding on my private life - eavesdropping on phone calls, looking at my emails (I now sign out) & asking what my mail is about, asking probing questions.
I'm increasingly finding working physically hard - I've been diagnosed with various progressive illnesses including osteoarthritis.
I'm also awaiting a diagnosis of high functioning autism myself.
My daughter's behaviour has been like this for some years, but is getting seriously intrusive now. I don't understand why. I've set out boundaries & encouraged her to do the same. We do have spats sometimes, which is no bad thing. She's quite confident, her self-esteem seems ok, she can accept constructive criticism & seeks advice from myself and others. That's why I don't understand why she's behaving like this - manipulative, intrusive..
I don't tell her much now about my plans or private life now, sign out of online accounts & insist on having my own time & space here at home - there are times when I'm not available for chat, for example. I feel that this has improved her behaviour in a small way.
I do feel that since March and the Covid-19 lockdown the behaviour has become more apparent - she's always been like this, it's just been exacerbated by restrictions, loss of activities she does...
Anyone else had this? Advice, suggestions much appreciated.
Thanks, I feel better for sharing.
Cal

Re: Manipulating behaviour?

Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2020 9:17 am
by bowlingbun
It is time she moved out of your home and into a home of her ow. One day you will die and she will have to stand on her own two feet, it's time to start this now. The longer you leave it the worst this will become. If my son, brain damaged, 41 unable to read, write or do any maths, can do this, then so can your daughter. IF she needs help, as my son does, it should be provided.

Re: Manipulating behaviour?

Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:31 am
by crux
Thanks, bowlingbun, for your quick reply.
The plan was for her to move into her own place in spring this year, then lockdown happened.
I've got all the contacts I need so will set the wheels in motion tomorrow.
The comments about your son are very encouraging to me. You must be very proud of him.
Thanks again.
Cal

Re: Manipulating behaviour?

Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:09 pm
by Penny
A lot of this is very like my adult daughter. you cannot tell her anything and if you try she just will not listen. She is always picking up my phone and reading my messages but would go totally ape if I even touched her phone. She will go on and on about something until she thinks she is getting the answer she wants. I once had a phonecall from the council saying she had emailed them 13 times in 5 minutes! Most days she can’t even be bothered to speak to me and if she does it’s like “whatever”. It’s quite rare and a real treat if we have a proper conversation. We had one in the car last week and it was lovely.

She often tells me I am a hopeless mother, I don’t do anything for her, I am not interested in her etc etc but it’s like water off a duck’s back now as it’s all lies.

If she is working things out in her head or planning something then there is no room for conversation with anybody else. We are really close to getting her a place of her own with her boyfriend and she is in the priority group which is what you need to aim for crux. Get her name down for social housing as soon as you can and keep on at them. They have just partially lifted the ban here on allocating homes due to coronavirus. Let us know how you get on. X