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Things are changing - Carers UK Forum

Things are changing

For issues specific to autism / Asperger Syndrome.
This is my first post so please bear with me!

I said in my introduction post that I am a 23 year old carer for my older sister. She is autistic and a wheelchair user, as well as having a learning disability and visual impairment. We have a great relationship.

I have just come back from uni which was a challenge, moving away from my sister and not being there to make sure she is doing ok... of course she was fine as she has a great care home and other family support but it was still scary. Now I am back home but I have just started a job and been offered a second one. She was glad to know that I was going to be living close by as she had been worrying about that. I'm hoping once I get settled into my job I can start taking her out for lunch at the weekends and things.

This week I got engaged. I am quite concerned about how to tell my sister and how she will take it. At our last family wedding she had a big meltdown when she realised all the changes that would be taking place after the wedding (my cousin moving house, etc). We (stupidly, in hindsight!) didn't realise the problems it would cause. So I'm extremely apprehensive about explaining the situation now, and how things will change in the coming months. There are so many changes that will be happening and I really don't know what to say when or how. I'm sure I'll miss out something that seems trivial to me but is important to her.

Also there's the obvious difference of the ring! I will see her tomorrow so even if she doesn't say anything she will notice it. I don't know what to say immediately - I don't want to give her too much to process with no warning.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did it work out? And can anyone recommend any resources that might help us?

My son has severe learning difficulties, mental age of 3 as far as some things are concerned. First of all, many congratulations. You sound a kind caring person, who will make a lovely wife and mum.
I would say that you "drip feed" information. Has she met your fiancée yet? If not, just introduce him as a "special friend" first. Then say you are going to be married "one day". The say when the wedding will be the next visit, and so on. Will she be taken to the wedding? Would she look forward to having her hair done or a new dress? Maybe just attend the service or part of the reception?
Hi thank you for your reply.

She has met my fiancé, although I'm not sure what she was told by other family members about our relationship.

You're absolutely right that it should be done a little at a time. My concern though is that saying things like "one day" are not concrete enough for her and would definitely cause a meltdown. We don't have a date yet so probably I should leave talking about the wedding at all until we do, but my main concern is the ring which is a big giveaway even if she doesn't get it. Because she's autistic she finds both change and uncertainty very difficult and this time is going to be full of both. She also doesn't like new things so that's going to rule out a number of those things that most people would be looking forward to! I'm hoping my family might have some ideas but out of all of us I am probably most sensitive to what she can and can't deal with. I'm pretty acutely aware that this whole thing is likely to be a nightmare for her.

Thanks again for your kind words.