Aspie Dad and family issues

For issues specific to autism / Asperger Syndrome.
Here's my little vent!

So my Dad has Aspergers (undiagnosed) but can't understand there is a problem or won't accept it. My mum cares for him – as did my brother and myself throughout our childhood which resulted in us both suffering from mental health problems. My bother disappeared for 3 weeks this time last year – he was found in the end living in a wood and had had a mental breakdown.

My mum now cares for my bother with my dad nitpicking at her and worst regularly wanting her attitude to change back to what suites him – ie the way we all acted with him before we realised the problems he has. My role is to support my mum – no-one seems to understand these issues and people like her family have basically left her to get on with her problems. I've found it hard to find people myself who get it too – including a couple of counsellors I've spoken to (although they have helped in their own way). Personally I find the whole thing very isolating at times and it also make me very angry! Aspergers can have a huge affect on children of people who have these issues and I don't really feel this is well understood.

My mum is building up to try to get my dad assessed soon now anyway although I'm unsure how this will help in the long run – I guess it depends on how he reacts to a diagnosis. Maybe someone can offer me there experiences on this please?

Thanks for reading.
Hi Steve, I'm not going to be any help whatsoever, but wanted to say welcome to the forum and I hope someone will be along soon who understands your situation.
I think an assessment is a good idea because, from what I have read, there are many different aspects of Aspergers/Autism and if you know exactly what affects him most then it might be easier to find a way forward.
Wishing you well.
Elaine
Elaine wrote:Hi Steve, I'm not going to be any help whatsoever, but wanted to say welcome to the forum and I hope someone will be along soon who understands your situation.
I think an assessment is a good idea because, from what I have read, there are many different aspects of Aspergers/Autism and if you know exactly what affects him most then it might be easier to find a way forward.
Wishing you well.
Elaine
Hi Elaine, thanks for your reply :) I appreciate you taking the time to read my little vent & your reply was very helpful thank you. I think the point you've made about an assessment identifying the specific issues my Dad has is a really good one and I have passed this onto my Mum to mull over.

Thank you again, Steve
Hi Steve,

I lost my internet connection earlier today whilst typing a reply to you and lost my post too. So in a nutshell, here is a good link http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx
Perhaps you could print some of it out and leave it where your Dad could read it. I appreciate he might not, but worth a try.

There is also an magazine for people with Aspergers written by people with Aspergers, Asperger United which you could arrange to be emailed or posted to your Dad, either now or after your Mum persuades him to see someone. http://www.autism.org.uk/aspergerunited

You say
regularly wanting her attitude to change back to what suites him – ie the way we all acted with him before we realised the problems he has.
Can you expand on this?

Melly1
Hi Melly,

Thank you for your post. Apologies it's taken me so long to reply back but I didn't get a notification.

Firstly on the two links you've listed – many thanks I will hand both of these onto my Mum. She is the person who is actively looking into getting an assessment done for my Dad and she is also trying to learn more about the issues involved. If nothing else the first link helped me to see a possible path forward on a personal level – I have issues with sensory processing and maybe autistic tendencies myself and would like to understand this better.

On my Mums relationship with my Father – I have experience of, and have read that living with someone with Aspergers can rob you of a sense of self. My Mum has told me that over the years she lost confidence in what she felt and thought and she's said it became very easy for her to be pushed about to see things from my Fathers perspective. As a result of chatting to a number of professional people and growing my Mum says she has begun to develop more of a sense of her own self and had begun to relate to the issues my Father has in a different way. I think, well I know really that this change is something that my Father both cannot really begin to understand. His marriage has been a certain way, he doesn't really want things to change and by the nature of Aspergers he is inflexible.

I hope this is clear. As I say I really appreciated you taking the time to comment on my post.
Hi Steve,
Glad the links were useful.

Perhaps your parents would benefit from counselling, to find a way forward.

Melly
,
Hi Steve

Just joined the forum and read your message. Has your dad been diagnosed now? My mum got diagnosed last year at 54 and I have supported her my whole life and find it beyond tough. How are you getting on now?
Rebecca hi - if you've just joined the forum, do you want to post a 'hi there!' post on the Newbie section? No obligation of course, but I fear that the thread you've commented on has 'gone to sleep' as the last post was way back last May.

Caring for a parent with MH or any kind of 'special need' (not sure that Asperberger's is actually SN - more non-neuro-typical), is very very difficult, My mum had MH issues all her life, and it took a huge toll on my dad and me and my bro. My late husband was probably also a bit Aspbergers (high functioning) and it was very 'undiagnosed' at the time, so it was only in middle age that I finally realised how well he 'fitted in' to a description of Aspbergers. (As you know Asberger's became FAR more 'recnogisable' and even 'acceptable' after Bill Gates was identified as being on the spectrum - helped hugely I think!)

Welcome to the forum anyway, and sorry if 've missed seeing you somewhere else here already!

Kind regards, Jenny