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Asperger's Spouse help. - Carers UK Forum

Asperger's Spouse help.

For issues specific to autism / Asperger Syndrome.
I've been married for 26 years to a man I always knew was different. The lack of attention and understanding I initially 'put up with' due to my own recent bereavement and low self esteem - someone who just got on with it seemed to give me the control I needed; and I didn't deserve anyone being real nice to me cos I was fat and ugly.
Not a great place to start a relationship!

But we've worked at things. I have single parented our two children while he put in the finance. I always wondered if I'd have the courage to leave once the kids were financially independent.

Since then I have studied psychology and psychotherapy and discovered Asperger's which explains a lot. My husband alternates between a diagnosis being a relief and continued frustration that I am emotionally drained by something he can't help.

We have been ticking along ok. But last night had an enormous row. We were supposed to be watching a film in the same room for valentine's. We'd established that it did t make sense to spend a lot of money on food and a film when we had it at home but that I would like some time together so I cooked a special dinner and we had it in front of a film together. Only the film was rubbish and he said that if it was no good he'd better go and watch the football in the other room.

There are only so many adaptions a spouse can make. I am resigned to the fact that I will never feel cherished, and I appreciate his ability to read pages of figures for hours on end and thus bring in enough income that I don't have to worry.

We have begun to build up a few friendships with my holding him and covering for his misunderstanding and people usually think it's quirky.

But it is very very hard to think that I have to spend the rest of my life adapting to him. It's like parenting. I'm very good at it and am so highly compassionate in life that I go way beyond what a lot of people would put up with. But it's so very tiring not to be able to be natural.

How do I find a more even keel? How do I fill my void of needing to be cherished? Is it, in the end, just too hard?

I'd love to hear of anyone else's experiences. The thousand paper cuts that other family and friends can't see and which I cover for out of embarrassment and fear.....does anyone else have a similar experience to share? X
Do you think it's time to stop covering up. There is a lot that is know re: Asperger's now. It's like other medical issues. It's OK to talk about it. It's not about making constant excuses about behaviours. It's about understanding what is currently happening.

My husband has a physical disability so more easily identifiable. So there little for me to have to say. When seeing/meeting people and he uses a powered wheelchair. So his physical disability so more easily identifiable

I have to say I never watch TV with my husband of 46 years. We have totally different ideas on what to watch. And neither of us is really romantic.

I think there are a lot of carers who feel. There role has changed from a wife to a carer.

I guess you have heard of ..

https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main.aspx

What you are feeling is 100% normally!

As you have studied psychology and psychotherapy. You may already know quite a lot you could share on this forum.

https://www.autism.org.uk/about/family- ... mfort.aspx

I do hope others on the forum can offer some insightfulness.
Hi Su and welcome to the forum.
I understand that you want your husband to be more appreciative and loving towards you. It can be very difficult trying to change someone's behaviour, BUT you can change yours. From reading your post it sounds like you socialise a lot as a couple. Do you sometimes go out with friends WITHOUT hubby? If he is sometimes left home alone then your absence might make him appreciate you more.