What would you do ? Thoughts please.

[DebM]

Morning everyone
Quick background info.
Single mam, caring for my 23 yr old daughter who had a loving attentive Dad (even after divorce) until he met a new "lady" (I use the term very loosely I may add) whom he married and since the day they met, he has stopped all contact with us. No text,phonecalls or visits for nearly 3 years now.
Low and behold a parcel arrives this morning for Christmas from him!
I'm furious, hurt and a whole lot of other emotions at the same time and Im seriously considering "returning to sender"
Am I selfish to do this ? I want to scream a daughter is for life not just for Christmas !!!!! He has no clue as to what we have been through the last 3 years but justifies his absence with a once a year gift?! thoughts please.

[amy green]

I understand your feelings but, on face value, it IS a Christmas present. Why not see it as an olive branch?

[DebM]

Hi Amy,
I realise it s a Christmas present and don't want to deprive my daughter but an olive branch to me would be a simple text just to check how she is once in a while not just a thought once a year when he feels obliged as its Christmas.
I realise I may sound bitter and twisted, but until today I didn't even know his address !

[amy green]

I realise you want much more but, I see it as a possible opener. At the very least it shows she is in his thoughts. How does she feel about it?

I visited this site to place this quote on it....perhaps it is apt here?

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

(Calvin Coolidge)

[DebM]

To be honest it's difficult to tell.
My daughter has severe learning difficulties and has no speech therefore it can be hard to tell what emotions she is feeling.
I ve told her she has a gift from Dad and to be honest there wasn't much reaction but I always still speak of him (kindly) she watches old recordings etc and I still have photos of them together around our home etc but I do often wonder how she feels not seeing him anymore. My hurt is for her not for me.

[amy green]

You say your hurt is for your daughter and not yourself. Since you explain that her reactions/emotions are hard to detect, are you therefore not basing her hurt on the past i.e. not specifically with this xmas present? It could be a receptive time for healing if you chose to see it that way....a small stepping stone for what may yet transpire.

[DebM]

I guess perhaps at this moment in time I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with things, I hold no malice towards him, I wish him a happy life, but the one thing I will never understand is how he can turn his back on his own daughter, I understand he has a new family but surely there should be room for both (if only occasionally).
I for one would never allow that to happen, then again I guess we don't all think/feel the same way.

[jenny lucas]

Hmm, I think I would give the gift to my daughter, with 'minimal comment', and leave it at that. I agree with you that a daughter is for life, but so many men 'walk away' from their families, let alone when the families have 'difficulties' as yours does. (Not to insult all men - some are absolute rock-solid champions!).

Be angry, yes, but in private, and 'vent' here or in other safe places. You will not be alone, that is for sure, for there are so, so many 'abandoned families' where the husband (sometimes the wife) blissfully recreates 'another' 'perfect family' 'somewhere else'.

I, speaking personally, don't think it's necessary to 'forgive' such a man, or give him 'absolution' for his abandonment, but if the anger eats into you, then it adds to your unhappiness. I believe in 'karma' and that 'in the end' we all get our 'just desserts'..... ( I damn well hope!).

PS - love your descriptions of his new female!! Ha ha!

[Penny]

I guess perhaps at this moment in time I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with things, I hold no malice towards him, I wish him a happy life, but the one thing I will never understand is how he can turn his back on his own daughter, I understand he has a new family but surely there should be room for both (if only occasionally).
I for one would never allow that to happen, then again I guess we don't all think/feel the same way.

You now have his address and you wrote the above very eloquently .... Why don't you write him a letter saying just what you say above. I'd say a letter rather than a text or phone call will bring it home to him more. You could also add that you passed the Xmas gift on to your daughter and say that you are sure she will be thrilled to hear from her Dad again. Remind him that your life is not an easy one as her main carer so you would appreciate more help on a regular basis. Wish him a happy new year and leave it at that.

At least this will get it off your chest and he has no excuses in the future.

[charles47]

Give your daughter the gift and tell him what you think. I'd add that if he can't be bothered to do other than post it to you it's either because someone is controlling his behaviour or he doesn't really care - so if it were me I'd be telling him not to bother trying to salve his conscience next Christmas, or to make proper contact. A postally delivered present is not being involved. So "all" (occasional planned contact so it's structured around your daughter's needs) or nothing.