Struggling to cope

[Ian_2007]

Hi,Ian full time carer for dad94 so so lonely,seem to have lost all friends iam 54 now,how do others cope,I’m really struggling,never had a nite out in years,would love to here any advice from fellow carers,really need a friend now.ian

[Melly1]

Hi Ian,

Caring is often lonely and you start to realise who you real friends are/aren't. I have hung on to a few good ones and made some since being a carer - it only works if they understand my situation.

Covid has magnified the situation. A lot of people (who aren't caring, are experiencing loneliness for the first time too) which makes me wonder if after this pandemic, some of them will be more aware and understanding of folk experiencing loneliness.

Does your Dad need you there at all times or are you able to go out for short periods? What tier are you in?

What did you do in your free time before you cared for your Dad and who did you socialise with?


Melly1

[Ian_2007]

Thanks for reply,friends seem to have slowly disappeared over time(it’s understandable)I need a balanced life(crave it now)all I do day after day is be his carer

[Melly1]

Thanks for reply,friends seem to have slowly disappeared over time(it’s understandable)I need a balanced life(crave it now)all I do day after day is be his carer

I understand that Ian, and that's why I asked if your Dad needs you there at all times or are you able to go out for short periods? What tier are you in? And what did you do in your free time before you cared for your Dad and who did you socialise with?
The answers will help us to make suggestions.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

Have you asked for help to care for dad?
What is wrong with him?
It's not just him, but you too, getting older. The more help you both get, the longer you can care for him.

[Ian_2007]

Thanks nelly,iam in tier3,do go for walk now and then,the most annoying thing for me is,i would give the shirt of my back for anyone in past.(people pleaser that’s me!)i suppose the people I knew were fake friends(Covid 19 has made me realise that)the more you do for people ,the worse you get treat.used to love socialising(nites out with fake people.Covid 19 has flushed these people out melly.

[Melly1]

Thanks nelly,iam in tier3,do go for walk now and then,the most annoying thing for me is,i would give the shirt of my back for anyone in past.(people pleaser that’s me!)i suppose the people I knew were fake friends(Covid 19 has made me realise that)the more you do for people ,the worse you get treat.used to love socialising(nites out with fake people.Covid 19 has flushed these people out melly.

Hi Ian,
Tier 3 is tough, (but the new tier 4 even tougher!) It's good you are getting out for walks.

Are there any local fitness walking groups near you? I Nordic walk once a week where I live, it gives me the chance to see real people and chat with them. Some I click with better than others. My friend also belongs to a walking group that walk in the local park. Also, these groups often have more women than men, so I reckon you would be very welcome!

Another idea might be to walk someone's dog (as a volunteer) or get one yourself - dog walking is a great way to meet people - so I'm told.

Whilst stuck in tier 3 you could start thinking about how you are going to meet more like minded people after this pandemic is over. It's often easier through a shared interest - sport/ evening classes / wine tasting / book club /astrology etc etc. Either restarting an old hobby or trying out a new one.

S is currently moaning loudly and it is taking a lot of will power not to shout at him.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

(((HUGS))) to everyone this morning.
Family carers seem to have been forgotten through the pandemic so far, and this latest lockdown feels like the last straw. How can some areas even think about closing down a Lifeline service???

[Ian_2007]

Your right melly,i suppose deep down I’ve given up(just excepted my postion),I feel so so bitter at times what I’ve done for others.your right I’m getting older myself 54.thanks for wise words and advice,we all need it at times in our lives.Ian x

[PaulineSiddons]

Hi Ian,
I can empathise with everything you say. I moved my parents (both 94) into my home 2 years ago as mum has dementia and dad is in a wheelchair. The first year was great and I loved their company, but mum has got a lot worse and my friends have all left me. My best friend’s husband chucked me out of his house because he was “squeamish” about what I was describing to his wife. What I was describing was what I had to deal with 24/7! My best friend took his side so now we don’t talk.
I realised too late that most of my social friends were from work. Now it’s impossible to join clubs to meet new people because of Covid. I get angry with people who complain about lockdown; I am in permanent lockdown - nothing to do with Covid!
It sounds morbid but I get by through knowing this is temporary and I will know I made their last years comfortable rather than them being in a home.
I’m going to try “care for a cuppa” but it seems there’s a maximum of 12 people which doesn’t fill me with excitement if that’s all the interest in the U.K.!
Keep your spirits up by knowing you are doing a fantastic job for your caree and you are not alone!
X