Struggling now things are coming to an end

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After 12 years of being consumed by caring for my mum she is now declining and unlikely to leave hospital .my guilt is over running at the moment as I had a melt down over xmas where caring for her had become impossible and I was grumpy with her .My exhaustion was unbarably and I became frustrated ,purely out of worry . I feel guilty that I failed her.I find myself going through the lasts with her .. last christmas ..last bacon sandwich .. last cup of tea .. Im in so much pain I can physically feel it .. she is in so much pain she is drowsy from meds .. its hard knowing that life is about to change forever and the child that I still am is going to lose her mum ..
Leigh, please dump the guilt. You didn't ask for mum to have such a difficult health issue, on the contrary, you have always done your very best to help. The sad fact is that towards the end, people need more help than one person, however kind and caring, can give. My own mum went into a nursing home for the last year of her life, because she needed so much care.
I'm concerned for you, are you getting any support from anyone to help you with what is to come? There will be a lot of organising and some legal stuff too. There are a number of us here on the forum who have been through this, but you really need someone nearby to help.
Hi Leigh
Went through the same sort of thing last August. Kick the guilt. It's so sad that Mum is failing but you wouldn't want her to live and live in her present condition would you? Don't worry about the grumpiness over Christmas on the scales of caring what you have done for her far outweighs that minor episode. Just sit with her and talk to her. She has already forgotten the grump, believe me.
If Mum indeed passes away shortly be prepared not only for the grief but to fall into a deep well of tiredness. I got through Mum's death, got through the funerals, (two - she was buried miles away from where she died), and then was so exhausted I really couldn't lift an arm and there was still loads to do. If you think there's every chance Mum will pass away soon and you can manage it, try to put a few things in place . Sounds awful but I knew Mum didn't have long and I had contacted a funeral director and made a list of people to contact and jobs to be done. It helped me afterwards when I could hardly think, never mind think straight and the funeral director was very helpful when the time came.
My partner is grieving for her mum who died in april and my two sisters have fallen out .we have begun looking at cremation options and costs etc but money is thin on the ground .She has no funds or property and I have joint tenancy for the home that we share .I have appointee for finances but nothing else as she has capacity .
Leigh, you and your partner are going through an awful time but I am sure you have nothing to be guilty about. You have done your very best and no-one can ask more than that. Expect exhaustion too. When my mum died, yes, I felt guilty that I had not done more and also guilty that in the end her death was a relief. I was exhausted for at least six months after. Sending you strength to get through this very difficult time, Anne x
Hi Leigh
I think you can get some help with funeral costs depending on circumstances. Maybe this website will help
and look it up on your LA website too.
There's a lot of the 'trappings' of a funeral that you can do away with and still do the deceased proud. The funeral Director should help with suggestions.
Things I would suggest you can do without are:-
Notice in the paper.
The most Expensive coffin. They all look the same to me.
Flower arrangements. (I bought artificial flowers and made my own arrangements for myself and family. Mainly because they had to travel miles away the next day for her internment and 'real' flowers would have died. However I had a message from a friend local to where mum is buried just before Christmas to say the 'flowers' were still in place and still looked pretty good despite wind and rain. I am pleased about that as I can't visit the grave. Too far away.)
Order of service sheets. (Use the prayer and hymn book).
Cars for the 'mourners'. Walk or drive there.
A catered for 'Wake'.
(I invited anyone who wanted to, to come back to Mum's bungalow for tea/some alcohol, nibbles and cake. Worked very well. I dug out a load of photographs of her from a child to recent and put them up round the room. Everyone was fascinated to see the snapshots of her life, home and marriage. I also put up all the cards I had received. Enjoyed by all and cost me just for the food. Much more what she would have wanted than a formal meal somewhere.
Thank you for your kind words and practical information.I visited her in hospital tonight to find her unable recognise me.She knew she had 3 daughters but just couldnt place me .It was like she had aged 10 years and was being kind to someone she didnt know.The change in her personality floored me .I didnt expect her not to know me especially as she has no dementia .I was looking at the dying matters web site about end stages and she seems to experiencing all of them .My heart is breaking .
(((Hugs))) Leigh, it is such a dreadfully sad time. However, mum is where she needs to be, comfortable with a team of nurses so she can immediately have any calming or pain relief medication.