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Registering death - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Registering death

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
114 posts
It's all part of the grief process. If it's overwhelming, go and see your GP. Just think about everything your mind and body has gone through in the last 2 years. Do things you know will help you unwind, hot bath, swim, massage.....
Sajehar wrote:I cannot begin to describe how angry I feel. I do not know where this anger comes from.

I’m normally such a laid back person...

I’m angry at everyone; even mum. But I don’t know what to do with my anger. Why do I feel fury for WW1 soldiers?

I think the whole business to do with the death certificate is probably the straw that broke the camel's back, for you. I fully understand your anger over the need to have another certificate issued by the doctor, that sort of red tape and "jobs worth" attitude just seems so OTT considering the fact that your mother was elderly and had been poorly for several years. Had the doctor been recording the unexpected death of a young, fit person then it would be understandable, but not in this case, I think. I'm angry on your behalf and in your position I'd be tempted to raise merry hell about this, but only after your mother's funeral - you don't want to get on the wrong side of officialdom before then, just in case you need something further from them.

As a side note, I have heard it said by doctors that ultimately every ill person dies of heart failure, so maybe that is why such a term is considered too generic/vague to be used on a death certificate? My mother has no obvious terminal illness but is wasting away due to various nutrition problems, so all this makes me wonder how they will word the cause of death on her certificate, when the time comes. It seems that writing "heart failure" will not be sufficient, so would they then write "malnutrition" instead? That would make it appear that she had been neglected, which is not true.

Taking this sad subject a little further, there is a well documented phenomenon of elderly people passing away within days or weeks of the death of a beloved spouse, seemingly of a broken heart. I doubt that any doctor would state "broken heart" as a cause of death, even if it were true.

Sajehar, it won't harm to let your anger out a bit, and may even do some good. Maybe going for a walk somewhere out of town and having a good scream and shout might help? Or go and have a few drinks with a good friend and have a good old rant about it all.

How is your Dad bearing up? I hope your brothers are stepping in to give him some moral support. You've carried the load virtually solo for such a long time, surely now it's time for others to help.

PS: Just wondering if this topic might fit better into the Former Carers section? (Notwithstanding that Sajehar is still caring for her father so is still a carer, it would be easier for other bereaved people to locate this important topic.)

I have only just seen this. I am so sorry to hear of the death of your mum. You have always described her so beautifully, I feel I knew her. This world has lost one of the real characters but through your memories she will live on.

I felt totally lost when mum died but some of the practicalities that helped me are:

- write everything down in one book, all phone numbers, all lists etc. Make sure the book includes a copy of the death certificate stapled in there, her NI no, date of birth etc. Take the book to all appointments with you.

- if house is in joint names, it will transfer to your dad. A local solicitor can draw up the deeds for you.

- I used the Tell us Once service and found it very useful.

- No need for an appointment with a bank manager, just go in with dad and death certificate and, if possible, his passport or other means of identity. The bank will then re-issue cards etc in his name.

- A friend of mine typed me a letter with a space for name and address entitled "To Whom it May Concern". Just stated that mum died on this day and with effect from that day, all bills / correspondence should be sent to ..... If any questions, phone daughter on mobile no xxx". She sent me 30 photocopies of that letter and I think I used almost all of them. I just topped and tailed the letter and sent it to any authorities who needed to know.

And yes, you will be angry, sad, numb and probably many other emotions. That is the price we pay for love. I am one year further on and the waves of pain come further apart and yet, they still come. Just ride the waves and hold onto your dad, friends, your memories and of course us. You will get through it.

Take care, Anne x
I’m really worried about dad. Both my bro and me thought dad had taken mum’s death far too well.
I practically had to drag him to the undertaker’s this morning. We’d arranged for my bro to house sit whilst we were out as Medivac/quip (or whatever they’re called) were calling today to pick up mum’s bed and loads of other stuff.
Thing is, dad uses a lot of it too. Now we have to go through the rigmarole of re-ordering it.

When we got home dad obsessively played cd’s looking for a particular song by Harry Seacome or Andy Williams? for mum’s funeral. It turned out to be ‘Abide With Me’ by Harry Seacome.
For someone who hated organised religion, mum now has two hymns. But I’m sticking to my guns that she goes out to her fave, fave, fave song of all time: Eddy Calvert’s ‘Oh Mein Papa.’

I’ve packed him off to bed as he was looking really rough. Less than a month ago he had one of those aniogram things (where they shove a wire/camera up your veins/arteries from the groin.) Dad has heart disease too. He was also complaining of feeling sick.

I think the sight of the empty spaces were mum’s chair and bed used to be was too much for him.

It’s the most normal natural thing in the world for a parent to die at nearly 86 years. I thought I was prepared for it. Nothing prepares you.

One of the last foods that mum would eat was Terry’s chocolate orange bars. I had to stop myself from buying two at my local newsagent; they’re no longer needed.

On a lighter note, Mr Steak Mate has been emailing me. By sheer coincidence, the solicitor he recommended was the same one as recommended by my cousin.

When going through my mum’s stuff, we came across a load of share certificates. Dad had no idea she had them. Mind you, until 2 years ago, he had no idea that she had false teeth!

False teeth and share certificates!!!!! Mum always did say, “I trust your dad with my life, but not my money.’

I scanned these certificates to Steak Mate (he used to be a stock broker, or something.) These companies still exist, and are doing well apparently.

But it’s a complication we can do without.

Useless bit of info. I was curious why the Registar was using a fountain pen; haven’t seen one of those for years.
Apparently the ink they use on death certificates is special: It doesn’t fade or run.

“Can’t you make a Biro do that?”


“Fair enough… just asking.”
Good old mum hiding away shares- what a nice surprise. You must treat you and your Dad to a treat once probate is all sorted.
Keep a watchful eye on Dad. I don't mean to stress you out but my fighting fit youthful nextdoor neighbour was in hospital with heart problems out of the blue the week after his mum's funeral.
Sajehar, the enormity of losing a partner can never be over estimated. I was married 34 years, I'll never ever be the person I used to be again. Only time will tell how much dad has been pulling out all the stops to help with mum, and is now exhausted. Grief for a partner is total, I didn't eat properly, sleep properly, or anything else properly for a very, very long time. Just let dad get involved with what he wants to do for the funeral, let him sleep where and when he wants. After a month he may be a bit better, but don't expect anything much of him for a while.
Dad has awoken. He want's Abide with me.

" you can have it dad, whatever you want.: and he can. But I think they've got music mixed up.

I'll sort it?

The music I really want. Not that I'll get it... I'm working on it!
You can have whatever you like! I bought a CD of the music mum wanted, Lord of the Dance, but when the celebrant came he told me that they have a system which can download ANY music. I imagine it's something like the BBC Record Library. I went to a funeral once where Albatross was played as people took their seats, and liked it so much that we had it for mum's funeral too, courtesy of this music "library".
Yes, they'll get that for you. We had 'Memories of the Alhambra', which my brother who died in 2013 used to play on the guitar.
114 posts