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Registering death - Page 11 - Carers UK Forum

Registering death

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
114 posts
Your right!

I’ve wanted to lay my hands on this man ever since we met in Morrison’s… and I didn’t even recognise him.
It’s taken about two years, but we got there in the end. So, yes, I’ll take any excuse going,,,, even Napoleon!
Glad to hear things are working out for you, you deserve it.
I think you were heading to Springwood in Allerton ,its where my dad's ashes were scattered (over 20 years ago now, and I still miss him)
Sajehar,

Maybe this thread needs to be renamed "Registering Death and Reaffirming Life" or something along those lines? Anyway, it's lovely to read your continuing story.

I was thinking, would it help you to write your thoughts about your colleague in a letter, and send it to their family, perhaps? You could explain why you weren't able to attend the funeral, then express why you had so much respect for him. The family might be comforted by knowing that their husband/father was so highly thought of and has not been forgotten.
Jane Larkin,

For once, I was right, and he was wrong…. It is Springfield, and not Springbrook. As cemeteries go, it’s a really nice place. Who’d have thought such a woodlandy place existed in a city.

SheWolf, I think that’s a really good idea. I’m sure I can get his son’s address from my neighbours. His son should know what a remarkable man his dad was, assuming that he doesn’t already.

I only got to know him because he posted letters through everyone’s door on my estate about the insane amount our HA wanted to charge for service charges. I’d spotted the same thing, so contacted him.
We decided to work together, and took our HA to court. We won, to everybody’s surprise but his.

He had the knowledge of the court system – he was an ex-welfare rights officer who’d been made redundant – I had the facts & figures at my fingertips (I’d demanded the accounts of the HA with like days to spare as there’s a time limit to ask for them.)
But I got my grubby mitts on them. We spent hours upon hours putting a report together. So much so, the LVT came to Liverpool to meet us, rather than us going to Manchester. Plus they were going to charge us £500, but D somehow managed to avoid that.
And the HA tried to get our case chucked out of court for being Vexatious. That didn’t work, because the only people being vexatious was them!
That ploy didn’t work, but only because of D. He was a truly remarkable man. And I’d like his son to know that.

SM thinks I’m making too much of this.

“Life is not fair.”

“It bloody well should be!”

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.
Back on topic, I find that since Mum died I am very conscious of marking time since that day... one week, then one month, etc, since she died. Also, I'm very conscious of all the "firsts" without Mum... my first birthday, the first bank holiday, the first daffodils in bloom, since that date.

Even though Mum was 88 and I know it was her time to go, all these little "firsts" do get to me a bit. I'm not wallowing, just sharing, and I'm guessing that this is a common part of bereavement that just has to be got through. A neighbour lost his elderly mother 4 years back, and when I was noting the 4 week anniversary of Mum's "D day", he was very conscious of the 4 year anniversary approaching. So, all par for the course, I guess, when someone close to you passes away.
Shewolf,
When I lost my Dad all the firsts were the same. A friend also warned me that grief would creep up at times when I least expected it, this was true too. As time passes the triggers are still there but they serve as a reminder in a less traumatic way. It's early days. Take care.

Melly1
SheWolf and Melly,

This grief stuff is so strange. I thought I’d gotten over it pretty quick. I even wondered if there was something wrong with me that I’d recovered so quickly. Within a couple of months I had accepted my mum’s death and could remember her with sadness, but that gut kicking stuff had gone away.

Not so. The stupidest things now sets me off: Coming across a program mum really liked to watch on telly, etc, etc, etc. I thought I was over all that.

SheWolf, for you it is daffodils, for me it is seeing the hyacinths spring up… same difference!
Those ‘Firsts’ are a bugger and a half.

A bit of me refuses to accept that I’ll never see mum again (especially as I was the one who insisted we scattered her ashes over her garden as she wanted) but I look at those hyacithins, in rude health, and console myself that she did what she wanted to do… feed her garden!!!!
I’m still getting my head around that.

I’ll never forget, several months before she died, that she begged me and my father that she’d never be sent to hospital ever again. She wanted to die at home.
In a moment of clarity, she looked at me, and told me that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered on her garden because she didn’t want to end up in a tip.
She got her last wish.
Sajehar, you did well to keep your Mum at home for her final days, just as she wanted, and the scattering of her ashes in the garden sounds totally in keeping with your Mum's wishes and love of her garden.

I have collected Mum's ashes but we haven't yet decided where the scatter them. Due to Mum being so tiny at the end of her life, the ashes are not very heavy. I've put them out of sight for now, there's no rush to scatter them, but I don't want to look at them every day.

Today I took the last of Mum's clothes to a charity shop, including some of the evening wear she used to take on holiday with her, back in the days when she was enjoying life and liked to dress up. It felt like I was packing up the best of her days, somehow, happy days that will never come again for her. I nearly kept one of the blouses, just out of sentimentality (I'd never fit into it), but steeled myself and let it go. That's something I've been having to do a lot since Mum died, because the alternative would be to turn my home into a shrine. Most of the time I'm really happy about taking items to the charity shop, but some things are much harder to part with than others. I can't imagine how I'll feel when the house is finally sold and I hand over the keys, but it has to happen. The house needs to be a home again, and hopefully it will be a happy one. I will probably be an emotional wreck when it's sold, but the plus side is that I will have some cash to make life a bit easier. I don't mean that to sound money grabbing, I'm just trying to look at the bright side after several years of worry and stress.
Hi Shewolf
When my mum moved from her 3 bedroomed semi, her home of 56 years, to live in a bungalow hundreds of miles away, to be near me, she brought most of the contents with her. We'd already spent that Easter clearing out bags and bags of unwanted rubbish, collected as 'might be useful one day' over the years. It was my childhood home too and I suffered some pangs when the sale went through.
A small 'complication'; was that the previous owners had left some perfectly good furniture in the new residence anyway. All of which Mum decided she wanted PLUS everything she brought. So her garage is full of 'stuff', her attic is full of 'stuff' and the clutter, ornaments, bits and pieces in her bungalow could stock a charity shop's shelves, no problem.
I will eventually have a huge task and there are loads of things with sentimental value that I don't know if I could part with, but have no room for. So anticipating my task, I sympathise with yours.
The money for your Mum's home is her legacy to you. It is only bricks and cement in itself and the memories and happiness connected to it are in your heart, not confined to within its walls. Spend it well and also buy one beautiful thing to keep in your home, or on your finger, or around your neck, which your Mum would have chosen with you and loved too.
X
Elaine
Having emptied a few homes, think, along the lines of the marriage ceremony, "Do I want to keep this for the rest of my life, to keep it dry, clean, dusted, etc." For me, the answer was "No I jolly well don't". As the daughter of a hoarder who never threw anything away, but never ever entertained her whole family round one of her five eight foot long dining tables, I'd rather put people first, not things. William Morris said something like "Have nothing in your house that isn't useful or beautiful". You don't need things to remember mum by, she will live in your heart forever.
114 posts