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Just sharing my easy day. - Carers UK Forum

Just sharing my easy day.

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
Thursday is my 'half day'. I get to rush round cleaning and stripping the bed etc. I even get an hour's lie-in in the morning. This is because Mum's double care team get her up and dressed and one of them stays until 9.30. The cleaner (more of a friend and helpful angel) arrives at 10 and makes her lunch before handing over to the next double team at 2.00. This gives me till 3 in the afternoon before I report for duty.
Today I did get my extra hour. Lovely. Up and active by 8.30. I then sorted Mum's washing and ironing, sorted a load of papers relating to Mum, sent some e-mails relating to Mum and called the surgery to find out what happened to her anti-biotic prescription, promised to be delivered early today (UTI yet again). Prescription was still on the desk but would be faxed immediately. Would I go collect it? OK. Abandoned housework and went to chemist. Took prescription to Mum's and administered first dose. Now mid-day. Had arranged to meet a friend who was very kindly coming with me to inspect yet another Home. (I'm at the research stage). Drove to Home, (quite liked this one), dropped friend off and went to Mum's because it's now 3.00pm. Mum's UTI is making her miserable. Didn't have a good night, didn't enjoy her lunch, couldn't get comfortable, didn't want a cuppa and so on, and on and on.
Sorted out clean washing, sorted new dirty washing, got her bed remade and ready for the night, all bits and pieces in place, breakfast set out ready, tomorrow's clothes ready, all creams and pads etc in place and handy for bed time carers, kept encouraging her to drink. Undressed her and creamed where needed, put on nightdress, tried to encourage her to have something to eat for her tea, (custard in the end), flopped on her settee at 5.30pm and tried to make sense of what she was complaining about. Mum gets a bit strange early evening. Next double team of carers turned up and I left her to them having promised to return in time for bed time as she is not used to the new team of carers and 'couldn't cope' today as not feeling well. Back home for 6. Had dinner. Returned to Mum's at 7.30. Evening 'sitter' (half hour 7 to 7.30) still there as are 8 o'clock bed time team, sat outside in car. Said 'bye' to one carer and 'hello' to next team. Mum in stroppy mood. Won't co-operate with team as they are not supposed to be there till 8. Team try to persuade her that 7.30 is a good time for bed because they have been working since 7 am and would like to go home. We compromise on them arriving at 7.45 in future but if they think they will move Mum away from Corrie till it's finished, well, they can try. Team tell Mum I'm looking tired. Mum decides I should go home. I'm more than happy to oblige. Get home at 8.30. Easy day really.
Hi Elaine
I think it's all those little bits and pieces that none carers have no idea about. They certainly eat up your time. At least you've ticked lots of things off that never ending list. Treat yourself to a nice cup of tea or coffee today.
I'm avoiding the phone today. I'm on holiday and the office have just rung with one of those most urgent pleasey pleasey pleasey messages.
I've think you've just described to a T why Care Homes cost what they do......

Good luck with your research, and hope you have every success in making the transition into one (no, not you! )( though you sound like you could do with a good rest in a Care Home with YOU being waited on hand and foot for a change!).

I know your nightmare situation of having taken on your mum at 91, and she's still going strong at 99, BUT, a friend of mine's grandmother lived till 103 in a home (her own daughter, my friend's mum, was over 80 herself- IMAGINE being 80 something and STILL having your own mother alive.....), so please never think that at 99 'it's not worth it' to transition to a care home.

PS Has she tried saying 'Oh, diddums' to you again??????????????
Oh Elaine, I do empathise! All my days feel like that, so many bits and pieces to do and I find it difficult to find a decent chunk of time to get big jobs done (like decorating!). I've been on the go since seven now and am tapping away on here whilst I wait for someone to pick the phone on; I seem to have spent most of the morning on hold! Hope you managed to at least get a decent cup of tea at some point :) x
Thanks all.
Henrietta, Trouble with that list is that it renews itself every day and then grows a little more, as all know. My cup of 'coffee' came in a wine glass. Hope you ignored the message.
Jenny, The latest was 'What makes you think that you are important?' I left the house and drove off, narrowly missing an elderly driver just down the road - looked about my age. (I did know that a Carer was due in the next few minutes.) I was a bit cross.
Mum-who Cares. I never seem to have time for the most ordinary stuff round my house. Or, like everyone 'caring', if I have a little time then I have no energy. Christmas is still in the attic and likely to stay there this year. Not at Mum's of course. I'll get some bling up in her place.
XX
Elaine - don't wait another day. Find that Care Home and book her in - permanently. Honestly, she doesn't deserve another moment of your time. Not a moment.
Hi Jenny Mum isn't always so sharp tongued and nasty by any means. I get lots of 'please' and 'thank yous' and on the whole she appreciates what I do. What she doesn't appreciate is how much I do and how it is affecting my life, Because she's 99 she thinks I have 30 years left to go too! I doubt that. We start snapping at each other when I try to go down the 'time for a Home' road. She feels very threatened by that and lashes out. I lash back.
It would really help me if I could find a place where I think she would be well looked after and have a chance of being content. (Happy would be too much to expect). I'm actively looking, but the Homes I've been to seem so awful, (nice people but dreadful places) that I just can't do it. Anyway she's very much 'inside her head' , most of the time, and I can't make her if she doesn't want to go.
Mum is very old, increasingly needy, (almost blind, immobile, very hard of hearing) and afraid of the future. I can see why, as her only child and the only person she's got, she accepts any and all help I can give her. Mum also clings desperately to any vestige of independence she has, not seeing or understanding or maybe not caring what that does to me. I can see both sides. Mum can't or won't.
I hate the situation, I dislike my life at the moment but I love my Mum.
'What to do or go fishing' as the saying goes.
X
Elaine
Oh, Elaine, that's a very, very 'humane' post......and so, so sad at heart. It's clear your poor mum has 'outlived her life' and the 'kindest' thing would be for her to be released from it - and that would, of course, release you in turn.

I often wonder just WHY my own 91 y/o MIL, who is in robust physical health (she I strongly suspect will hit her centenary - and possibly more)(though she'll be doing it in a council funded care home as she will have burnt through the sale-money from her flat in about another four or five years!), why SHE has lived so long, and her poor son, my husband, died in his fifties. It just doesn't 'make sense' does it?

I can't remember which play it is, probably Hamlet, where the character says 'The good die young and those whose lives are dry as summer's dust burn to the socket'......

That 'burning to the socket' is so, so hard on them, and on us.....

This may only be a wild 'guess' but is your mum an atheist by any chance? My MIL is a confirmed atheist (long-lapsed Catholic - I think they make the most virulent atheists in my opinion!!!!!:) ), and I do truly think that she is clinging like crazy to life because for her, death is just 'The End'.

I wonder if people who have religious faith 'let go' more easily? I hope I will be able to do so when the time comes, but then, of course, that 'terror of death' may clutch at all of us and I may (shamefully) find that I keep clinging on with more and more infirmities because the alternative seems worse........

I know Dylan Thomas advises to 'rage, rage against the dying of the light', but it would surely be so much kinder to 'go gently' after all....
Hey Dylan Thomas was a 'local' to where Mum lived for 56 years of her life. She lived in Tenby, Pembrokeshire. Misses the 'sea air' dreadfully.
Yes Mum is religious. CofE. The local Church send her Home Communion once a month. I was confirmed, way back then, and I join in as she cannot read the service so I help her through it. I find it quite moving sometimes but I'm no longer a habitual churchgoer.
I think it's the mind set. Mum just doesn't seem to consider 'death' as something that will happen to her. If someone says, (frequently), "you'll get your card from the Queen when you are 100", she says "I don't want to last that long", but when I said I'd visited a fairly nice Home recently she replied, "Oh good. It might be a place to look at in a couple of years". AAAGH!!
She's going to make 100. Underneath and quietly, she's determined. I use the Ancestry family research site. Mum has lived longer than any of her ancestors that I have yet discovered, although a number of them hit their 90s. Must be all that tough Devon/ Somerset farm labourer stock!
All Mum sees is what I actually physically 'do' in her presence. From my point of view that's the least of it. From Mum's point of view that's all of it.
Mum does try, not very helpfully in reality, to 'spare me'. "Just cook me something easy", (Cooking is cooking)"Don't bother ironing my clothes", (What and leave you crumpled and messy?)"Don't worry about me", (Impossible)"I'll be fine on my own ". (No, actually, you won't).
She just doesn't 'get it'. It's not what I do. The tasks aren't physically demanding, just drudging. it's the time, the commitment, the inability to go out, go away, see friends or family, (especially my poor husband who thinks he's been deserted), look after my own house and garden, just generally enjoy my supposed retirement and the constant worry and responsibility that's so draining and frustrating. I'm not saying anything new here. Everyone reading this post will be nodding in agreement. Many people will be thinking that I have it easy and I do realise how much more many carers have to do. They have my heartfelt admiration. I don't think I'd measure up.
X
Elaine
jenny lucas wrote:why SHE has lived so long, and her poor son, my husband, died in his fifties. It just doesn't 'make sense' does it?
Struck a bit of a chord as it seems like a growing trend in our family with my grandmother (almost the same age as your mom) has lost her husband (grandfather), a son(uncle) and son-in-law(my father) almost like theres a hidden curse in play, because from the men in our family those 3 really did well by her in making sure she was looked after/had a roof over her head for life etc compared to other male relatives (uncles mostly) who are scattered thin. And they passed way before their time.

Good thing even in the hard times my family have a (if not morbid) sense of humour because she seems set to outlive most of them.

p.s. don't you have to pay for the Queens telegram now?