I’ve decided to start a new thread on behalf of a carer friend who doesn’t have access to a computer. She wants to be called Sunflower, to protect her ID. The following quote from another of my postings will provide a little background info.
Sorry to here about your 'friend.' Some people can be very selfish and lack understanding, and if I'm honest, I was a bit like that too before I became a full time carer. I never gave anyone an ultimatum but I did lose touch with a friend when they became a carer about 5 years ago. Every time I rang her up to come out with me to the pub/whatever, she couldn't. And whenever I popped round to visit her all she'd ever do is talk about her mum which got on my nerves. My calls and visits dwindled until they stopped altogether. I know how she must have felt now. Some friend I turned out to be, eh!
Several hours after posting the above, and after much picking up of the phone and putting it down again before pressing the last digit, I FINALLY got through to her. Far from telling me to take a long run and jump off a short pier, she was actually delighted to hear from me!!!
We met up for a curry night pub meal at Wetherspoon’s and, although we got a wee bit tipsy, we mainly talked.
According to Sunflower, the main problem she experiences as a carer isn’t the job itself per say but OPA… other people’s attitudes.
Sunflower (SF) has been caring for her mum for about 7-8 years now, on her own, and her mum has Alzheimer’s. They’re by no means well off, but manage to get by with a lot of budgeting, etc.
She told me some horror stories about OPA. I’m new to caring. I’ve only been looking after mum, with dad’s help, full time for approx 4 months now. Therefore, I’ve yet to be subjected to OPA. I hope I do her stories justice.
Her biggest problem is her family. When they occasionally visit, one of two things always happens.
1) If their mum is having a ‘bad’ day, or the house isn’t as tidy as they consider proper, then she’s accused of not looking after mum properly, and she should pull her socks up, etc.
2) If their mum is having a ‘good’ day and everything is ship shape, then she’s accused of, “You’ve got a cushy number going on here,” and, “It’s alright for some, sitting around all day watching telly.”
Hurtful and inaccurate though these kinds of comments are the one that gobsmacks her is, “Mum seems fine, why don’t you get a proper job, even just part-time?” This one takes her breath away! I shall quote her now, as best as I can remember.
“I mean, for crying out loud, what kind of logic is that? That’s like saying to a house wife why bother continuing cleaning coz the house is so clean… Durr!”
Ironically, Sunflower did suggest getting a p/t job a few years back, asking them for help in this. They threw their hands up in horror… But what if mum sets the house on fire or something… could you live with yourself?
When she reminds them of this, they tell her she’s exaggerating!
And then there’s the neighbour. He only ever sees her mum on a ‘good’ day when she wants to go into their titchy back garden, and can hold a reasonably lucid conversation.
He’s collared Sunflower in the street, accusing her of being a scrounger and exploiting her mum’s supposed frailty. When she’s tried to defend herself, he ends on, “If she’s as bad as you say, why don’t you get her put down… but then you’d lose your benefits WOULDN’T YOU!” and he storms off.
The thing that gets SF is this man MUST hear her mum’s ranting’s, etc through the paper thin walls, “So why does he do this to me? It’s like he lies in wait for me. What have me and my mum ever done to him?”
Sunflower has given this kind of behaviour a lot of thought, and has come up with some fascinating theory’s, and they're not pretty! I’m still kind off coming to terms with them myself.
But first I want to know if any of you lot have experienced something similar to Sunflower. I personally haven’t (give it time SF has told me and I will, sure as night following day.)
Be warned. I intend using all stories given to me and Sunflower to present to my MP in a report. If you don’t want me to do this with your story the simply use the code, “For your eyes only”.
Sunflower’s fave song by the way; mine’s ‘To dream the Impossible Dream.” And we sang both at the top of our voices (tunelessly) on our way to the station for her to make her way back to her mum. Maybe we were a little bit more than just tipsy… it’s allowed!
Sorry to here about your 'friend.' Some people can be very selfish and lack understanding, and if I'm honest, I was a bit like that too before I became a full time carer. I never gave anyone an ultimatum but I did lose touch with a friend when they became a carer about 5 years ago. Every time I rang her up to come out with me to the pub/whatever, she couldn't. And whenever I popped round to visit her all she'd ever do is talk about her mum which got on my nerves. My calls and visits dwindled until they stopped altogether. I know how she must have felt now. Some friend I turned out to be, eh!
Several hours after posting the above, and after much picking up of the phone and putting it down again before pressing the last digit, I FINALLY got through to her. Far from telling me to take a long run and jump off a short pier, she was actually delighted to hear from me!!!
We met up for a curry night pub meal at Wetherspoon’s and, although we got a wee bit tipsy, we mainly talked.
According to Sunflower, the main problem she experiences as a carer isn’t the job itself per say but OPA… other people’s attitudes.
Sunflower (SF) has been caring for her mum for about 7-8 years now, on her own, and her mum has Alzheimer’s. They’re by no means well off, but manage to get by with a lot of budgeting, etc.
She told me some horror stories about OPA. I’m new to caring. I’ve only been looking after mum, with dad’s help, full time for approx 4 months now. Therefore, I’ve yet to be subjected to OPA. I hope I do her stories justice.
Her biggest problem is her family. When they occasionally visit, one of two things always happens.
1) If their mum is having a ‘bad’ day, or the house isn’t as tidy as they consider proper, then she’s accused of not looking after mum properly, and she should pull her socks up, etc.
2) If their mum is having a ‘good’ day and everything is ship shape, then she’s accused of, “You’ve got a cushy number going on here,” and, “It’s alright for some, sitting around all day watching telly.”
Hurtful and inaccurate though these kinds of comments are the one that gobsmacks her is, “Mum seems fine, why don’t you get a proper job, even just part-time?” This one takes her breath away! I shall quote her now, as best as I can remember.
“I mean, for crying out loud, what kind of logic is that? That’s like saying to a house wife why bother continuing cleaning coz the house is so clean… Durr!”
Ironically, Sunflower did suggest getting a p/t job a few years back, asking them for help in this. They threw their hands up in horror… But what if mum sets the house on fire or something… could you live with yourself?
When she reminds them of this, they tell her she’s exaggerating!
And then there’s the neighbour. He only ever sees her mum on a ‘good’ day when she wants to go into their titchy back garden, and can hold a reasonably lucid conversation.
He’s collared Sunflower in the street, accusing her of being a scrounger and exploiting her mum’s supposed frailty. When she’s tried to defend herself, he ends on, “If she’s as bad as you say, why don’t you get her put down… but then you’d lose your benefits WOULDN’T YOU!” and he storms off.
The thing that gets SF is this man MUST hear her mum’s ranting’s, etc through the paper thin walls, “So why does he do this to me? It’s like he lies in wait for me. What have me and my mum ever done to him?”
Sunflower has given this kind of behaviour a lot of thought, and has come up with some fascinating theory’s, and they're not pretty! I’m still kind off coming to terms with them myself.
But first I want to know if any of you lot have experienced something similar to Sunflower. I personally haven’t (give it time SF has told me and I will, sure as night following day.)
Be warned. I intend using all stories given to me and Sunflower to present to my MP in a report. If you don’t want me to do this with your story the simply use the code, “For your eyes only”.
Sunflower’s fave song by the way; mine’s ‘To dream the Impossible Dream.” And we sang both at the top of our voices (tunelessly) on our way to the station for her to make her way back to her mum. Maybe we were a little bit more than just tipsy… it’s allowed!