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Carers UK Forum • Me and mum, long dead!
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Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 12:42 pm
by Sajehar
I haven’t been on this site for an awful long time; although I have ‘lurked’ occasionally. Basically, I developed health problems of my own which have since been sorted. I ended up with an emergency op for an about to burst ulcer… where did that come from?

Now I don’t know about you, but my idea of an ‘ulcer’ is some American business man drinking loads of milk of magnesia (or American equivalent) and moaning about an upset stomach ad-nauseaum (I’m thinking of the bank manager from ‘The Beverly Hill Billy’s’ here; whose sectary was called Miss Hathaway, I think??)

That didn’t happen to me…. The bloody thing was about to burst WITHOUT any warning signs at all; hence the op.
Pretty piffling stuff in the grand scheme of things, but it knocked me up for what felt like ages, but actually wasn’t that long (just felt like it!)

Life then took over, and I simply didn’t have the energy, nor the time, to post on Carers UK as I ended up caring for two people more than I did before(even though I missed you like hell… Bowlingbun and Susieq in particular.)

Something happened which made me take stock: Mum’s special tree died.
It got ripped up by the high winds…. I had to accept it had died and have since chopped it up for kindling for one of dad’s pub mates.
Previously I had argued that it was just ‘resting’ (like an actor), but once it was up-rooted by the high winds Icould no longer argue it was still ‘alive’, which I did for over a year. The winds took care of that.
That did something to me… After nearly 4.5 years I had to accept mum was finally dead. It took a tree to tell me that…. I was so determined to keep it alive, but I failed; just like with mum.

I really thought I’d gotten over her death – I was so practical about it – but not so. My dad was weird when she died, I was ever so practical – but now I’m the weird one?
Making such a fuss about a tree which nobody else cares about? But mum cared about it, and I want to too? Is that weird?
I’ve even been talking to the robins… just like she did, chucking them worms she had uncovered: am I taking this ‘mum’ thing too far?

I suspect I am, EXCEPT she did feed the robins.

SM and I are still together, but still at loggerheads…. Arguing the toss, as ever. Maybe that’s why? If I were him, I’d have nothing to do with me, being ruthless about it.

But, when all is said and done, I did chop up that tree, and give it to dad’s mates. Why does this pain me so much? That’s not right. I do recognise this – in my head – but I don’t recognise this in my heart.

If I had my way, mum’s tree would be alive and well, but it’s dead instead. I need to reconcile the two… but I don’t know how to. Can anybody on Carers Uk help?

I am at the end of my tether… because of a bloody tree??##

I know a complaint about a tree sounds weird, but it’s doing my head in!

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 12:59 pm
by bowlingbun
Hi Saj,

Sorry to hear about your ulcer, but I remember your posts, no daughter could ever have tried harder and done more than you did. The ulcer was your body telling you something.

Glad to hear you are with SM still, enjoy the disagreements, it's still a wonderful relationship. When are you finally going to accept that wedding proposal??? Give him a big hug and tell him you love him anyhow.

Now the tree. Final acceptance that life has changed forever. That tree signified your parents and everything that went with them, your parents are AT PEACE, the tree is gone, chopped up and burned.

Now you truly can take a step forward to a new, better life. It's OK. Mum and dad would want you to be happy.

I've finally reached this point, the money mum left me has meant that I can travel to the Med twice a year to soak up the sunshine.
I didn't touch the house for ages after my husband died, but now it is gradually being redecorated and my soul is much more settled.
Have you sorted out all your parents things now?
It's lovely to "see" you again.

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 2:25 pm
by Pet66
Sajehar
I've often wondered about you. Sorry to hear about your health issue. How dreadful.
You remained so strong throughout everything that happened to you, so Im not surprised the tree incident tipped you over the edge. You don't need to see the tree to keep your memory alive, your mum is in your heart. I talk to a robin as well. Hubby loved them, and I say all sorts of things to it, if anyone heard me they would be quite concerned! It's not unusual for bereaved people to react many years later. My sister's first baby died at 4months, a cot death, and it took her 5 years to actually grieve properly. Am only stating this, as I'm hoping it will help you to see that's it not that uncommon. I am still trying to find peace, but it is gradually getting better.
Stay in touch, have missed your posts, and the love story!!

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2020 8:37 pm
by Sajehar
My bros, dad and SM have done my head in!

They've ordered all these plants for me. My two bros (who are always arguing with one another, and me too) have ordered me two camellias each (they are now arguing over who ordered the sooner!) but dad ordered 3 fruit trees, but can't remember what... peach, cherry or apple????
And SM thinks he ordered me a cherry tree as I like the blossom (which I do)... either way, I've got anything from 2 -7 trees turning up to plant!

They've all promised me that they'll help me with the cost of planters and compost and stuff to plant all these 'potential' trees turning up (or not)... why didn't they just ask me?

I can categorically state that bros, dad's and boyfriend's are a pain in the arse when it comes to plants from Morgan & Thompson! I'd much rather have 48 peach begonias turning up than a load of trees.. now dad's informed me I do have said begonias turning up too... ARGH!!!!!

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 1:19 am
by Melly1
Hi Sajehar,
lovely to hear from you, though sorry to hear you have been suffering from an ulcer. Glad your dad, brother and SM are still on the scene even if they are driving you mad!!

Melly1

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:49 am
by Pete the Paint
Hi Saj,
I too had a duodenal ulcer, five in fact back in 1988 and I had no pain or symtoms at all until I went to work as usual and felt more and more ill as the day went on.
I had taken the customers back door off and to pieces, so had to keep going to get it repaired and back on again.
It was 6:30pm before it was back in place and I was exhausted not realising that I was bleeding internally.
How I drove home I will never know. I was in intensive care for two days and a week in all.

As for grief, it was a year before I cried for my Dad when I was telling my then girlfriend about him. Just burst into tears.
I was 17 when he died and I felt a relief at the time as we didn't get on very well and I thought ''Well now you cant keep having a go at me.'' Mum said your the man of the house now Peter which made me feel rather important for the first time in my life.
Dad died Saturday night at 03:00am and I had to call the doctor out at a neighbours house.

I think I coped quite well when Jill died my darling wife. She just died in the chair next to me. I was so glad I was with her.
She had an anurisium and it took about ten minuetes for her to die. Nether of us knew what was happening.
Her last words to me were ''I'm sorry I'm sorry.'' and she just passed away. She hated being a nusience to me.
The sad thing is I was annoyed with her for waking me up from a dead sleep in my chair so I was grumpy with her. Its taken me a long time to forgive myself for that.
Its now 15 months since she passed and I miss her so much. Even the caring which I always hated having to do!

The tree I can easily understand. Nothing odd about that. My daughters friend was in bits when the wind ripped up and killed a pear tree her mum bought her. Its over two years for her and she just cant get over loosing her Mum and best friend.

Take care and stay safe in these crazy days ahead.

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 9:41 am
by Henrietta
Hi Sajehar
I remember you to. I've not been on here much lately but now kicking my heels a little bit so am returning more often.

Your tree sounds perfectly normal to me. I found myself shedding tears when our fruit trees began to blossom. That may souns even stranger than getting upset over a dead tree, but the reason was that for the last 50 + years I would have talked to Dad about the trees coming into bloom again and starting over for another year. This year I just had th edogs to talk to.

Everything takes such a long time. I am still sorting stuff out and yesterday managed to clear 4 inches of paperwork ready for a bonfire . Not Dad's paperwork but my own which I had to neglect for so long.

It gets to us all in different ways at different times.

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 10:08 am
by Greta
Hi Sajehar,

It's great to hear from you again. Pain about the new trees. What kind of tree was the special tree? Was it a camellia?
do you have to plant these trees yourself? Good luck with it!.

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 9:45 am
by Sajehar
I have no idea what the tree was; and nor does anybody else: A weeping willow is our best guess
DSCF1176.JPG
That's what mum's special tree looked like after we transplanted it to the front garden (where she could actually see it.)

It bloomed like hell....
DSCF1176.JPG
but then died:
DSCF1176.JPG
We have no idea why: it just did.

Currently I'm trying to make sense of all trees ordered. Not easy, as dad ordered over the phone, and his memory is shot. But I worked out that at least 6-9 tree turning up!
4 of which will be camellias. Mum always wanted camellias, and that's what my arguing brothers' ordered. I'm just hoping my dad didn't order then too (still not clear!)
As for SM, I definitely have some cherry blossom thing turning up. Where the hell am I going to put all these trees?

Re: Me and mum, long dead!

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:15 pm
by susieq
Hi Sajehar - nice to "see" you back :D

Yes, it was a willow - Salix caprea pendula Kilmarnock or dwarf weeping willow, grows to about 4' tall. Quite a few gardens round here have them as a centrepiece in their front gardens; I've been thinking of getting one for my back garden as I've already got a large Acer tree in the front garden.

Sounds like between them they've ordered you a forest :shock: