help and advise needed.

[tim mather]

hello i wondered if i could have some advise for my mum who cares for my granmother97.
firstly my mum has been caring for my gran for the last 10years, in this time they have become close but my granmother in the last 5 years has lost a great deal of her sight and struggles to hear,(tv on full blast volume at 1am).

my mum has struggled for money since my father left her 15years ago and so it suited both of them that my granmother moved in with us from margate kent to london and my granmother has alot of savings to help out with the house, money has never really been an issue between them, but my granmother would when it suited her use the money issue as a stick to put down my mum and get her own way.

my mum has not had a proper holiday in 18years but my sister who immigrated to australia 2years ago is having a baby in september and said she would fly my mum out to australia for the birth as she would like my mum to be there.

now since my mum told my granmother of the holiday last month my granmother has been going off the rails.
i said i would take care of her but mum has said she wouldnt put up with me helping her with stuff like cleaning kermode and stuff like that.
i dont have a problem doing all this as im not working at the mo and could help, but mum thought it would be better to get a carer in once or twice a day just for that kind of stuff.

the real problem though that has started and the reason im making this post is since my granmother has learned of my mums holiday she is doing everything in her power to stop her from going, shes accusing my mum of stealing her things, saying she is going call the police and even today that she will take a load of paracetamol "and then youll be sorry" i have told my mum to talk to theyre GP, as ive never seen my mum soo upset, my mums talking to the gp now. im actually coming to the opinion that perhaps a few weeks in a restbite home may be the easiest thing. can someone give any help or advise, or just someone who could relate to the issues we are having.

[crocus]

can someone give any help or advise, or just someone who could relate to the issues we are having.

Oh yes, I think we can all relate to to the things you are describing.
So many many of our carees fight tooth and nail to stop their carer going on holiday, or even having a couple of days break. Mostly its because they are frightened that their carer wont come back, or something like that and they cant see beyond what they want to happen.
I think you are being a lovely son/grandson (I assume male because of your name) for being willing to look after your grandmother while your mum is on holiday. It is hard work and I think it would be wise to have professional people coming in a couple of times a day.
I think it is important for your mum to go to see your sister - when youre having a baby, you naturally want your mum to be there and this is what your sister wants.
Your mum needs to be firm, because its important that she goes to Australia. Im glad she has gone to see her GP, I hope he can help.

[bowlingbun]

This might be the one and only time your mum can go to Australia, none of us know what life has in store for us, so of course she should go. That is a non negotiable issue. Then it is up to gran to decide if she wants to go into a nursing home or not; if she wants live in/sleep in carers or not (a real option if she has the finances to do this); or whether she wants you to help. I'd also say ditch the commode and get a caravan Porta Potti, which won't need emptying more than once a week, thanks to the special chemicals they use. Then get Social Services involved to do a Needs Assessment for gran (if she has more than £23,000 or thereabouts she probably won't be provided with anything free, but they might have some good ideas) and then your mum should have a Carers Assessment. Mum really does need to have some "me" time every week. Mum will come back refreshed and revitalised, happy to see the family at home again though at the end of the holiday.

[Bluebird]

Hi Tim and welcome

I agree with everything that Crocus and Bowlingbun has said. I hope the GP helps you all.