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Carers UK Forum • Leaving but not leaving
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Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:27 pm
by Lil r
i love my hubby and will do until I die, but we cannot have a romantic or intellectual relationship now due to severe disability. I am coming to terms with the idea that this is not ever going to happen in the future, even with improvements, it is virtually impossible. I was waiting for something that is just not possible. This makes me very sad. I did want him, for the rest of my life, but he has been taken from me due to his disabilities, and I have tried, but I cannot get him back. It has taken me years to believe this as I was ever the optimist, but I have been fooling myself. Just wanted it badly.
I am thinking of the future, perhaps with someone else, though I have not met anybody, just thinking. Just thinking that it would be nice to have a normal relationship perhaps. An equal one where I can be supported, I can talk things through, be hugged.
Just wondering if anyone else has thought this or done this and wondered how it had turned out.
Is it possible to move forwards and somehow achieve your own life, whilst still remaining attached and ensuring your caree gets all they need? I would never leave, not wholly. I could never leave. I would always need to be there to make sure they are ok.

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 9:16 am
by maria_1507
i plan my leaving nearly everyday, i write it down in my 'grott book' and make plans , say why i feel this way and what i can achieve...then I close the book..and get on with the day , and 18 years later , i am still here. Image
I feel i am yet in another new phase of my marriage and life, we were 8 years married when the stroke 'took' my husband, our 3 children were 6, 7 and 10 years old.
my 30's were the years that were filled with getting on with a different way of life, we lost so much, the cost can never be accounted for, but we had each other and our relationship changed. I never felt like leaving. The kids grew, the teenage years came and went.
Our 40's began with their moving on into work, relationships and their own homes, and now we have 4 beautiful grandchildren, and we are not yet 50!
But the other changes that happened , took its toll on our marriage, I looked after my mum then my dad before they died, then his family deserted him totally as he rekindled his relationship with his real dad, then his real dad died.
His world has shrunk and so has mine, frankly i have given up on friends, i am tired of always being the one to make the move, depression creeps in and out both of our lives, and more recently i returned to work , but this too is full of negativity , so yes , right now, i would love to leave, just walk out the door, move into a little house overlooking the sea and feel the breeze on my face and be free of all this and my husband!... meet someone like minded and most important ..someone healthy Image .....
But i would miss him..terribly i would hate for my family to feel the heartache that comes with separation of parents, my own parents separated after 30 years of marriage, and to be honest....who would i really be without him? after all we have faced together? this is our life, yes missing all the normal things. I know close friends have said to my face.."leave him", "no i would not stay with what you have to deal with it"...but that's not me. i moan, i rant , i complain, i make my self heard , i'm so not perfect, but walk away? its not me.
so for now, its just me and him, his world is hour by hour pain , each part of the day revolves around taking his tablets , dealing with his loss, his feelings, his emotions, as he now has heart and lung disease and extremely complex medical needs...and me ...i am still trying to find a way to prepare myself for my 50's!! its like looking through thick fog, but you know something is out there! Image

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 1:17 pm
by crocus
I regularly wonder what would happen if I met someone else - but its not going to happen. Someone else has written about hiding behind unattractiveness and I know, deep down, that its what I do. There will never be anyone else and I could not leave him.

But I no longer love him. The love has been worn away in countless small incidents, like water on a rock. Many is the time I have started talking about something we have done only to discover that he has no memory of it. Or the time when we are having an intellectual discussion and it feels like it used to, long ago, only for something he says to show that, actually, he hasnt been following the discussion at all. Or the time when he tries to do something only to discover that he can no longer do it and I realise that I shall have to do it myself or get someone in. All of these things are like a slap to the face.
I have lost my confidant, mentor, support, helpmeet, partner and lover.

I am sure that this is why I get depression - it is suppressed anger at all I have lost, of all that he now is, that I have to do everything, that there will be no let up. I cant express this anger of course - it is no-ones fault that this has happened, so it is easier to let the comfortable numbness of depression mask the rage inside me.

And carry on.

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2012 3:11 pm
by madeliaette
I don't know what it is like over here, but in the US/Aussie, you could look into having an open relationship - one where you were free for romance on the side provided you fessed up and talked about it, or maybe a threesome household arrangement. I think England is a bit more formal and more likely to frown on such things though...

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:11 am
by Lil r
Made - think the British may well frown upon that, myself included. Though I still struggle. I don't want this anymore. I want more. I want normal, And motherhood and all of it. I feel like I am at a turning point. Can it be possible to have an affair, and commit,yourself,to,your caree, all be it like a best friend rather than lover?

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:27 am
by maria_1507
Blimey! adding one more person to the already complex situation , would, in my humble opinion , be even more depressing!!
I really feel I have given enough of myself to too many already , and by god they made full use of me, I am slowly learning its time to give to myself only. Image

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:10 am
by bowlingbun
I'm now 60 and widowed. To love, and be loved, is the most wonderful feeling, whatever age you are. We were meant to pair up, have children, a home etc. it's a basic human instinct as far as I'm concerned. Balancing this against the marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" is a dilemma.

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:57 pm
by Pete the Paint
I couldn't even contemplate being with anyone else. Jill has been the love of my life since I met her fifty years ago in September 1962. I was swept off my feet.

I had no idea then of her complex needs, her depression, her being admitted for psychiatric electrical treatment that only made things worse! I didn't know that I was going to be the one who must hold it all together at ALL times and never weaken.
I didn't know how nasty she could be with her violent mood swings, all this came as a terrible shock to me, but, I still loved her more than anything or anyone I had ever known.

She has mellowed with the years and says she would never have survived without me.
I have given up a lot of what I wanted to do in my life.
I would have had a much more thriving business, been able to expand perhaps.
I would have had a yacht and gone sailing. Something close to my heart. Jill hated the water.
I would have had another motorbike for 'green laning' on. Jill didn't like bikes.
Oh there's so many things that might have been, but I never forget how she made me feel when we met. She saved me. I didn't care if I lived or died. I felt useless, unconfident and ashamed of my inability to grasp even the simplest of maths. Something my parents and Grandparents despaired of.
Jill made me realise that I was so much more than any of that.
We had three lovely kids, several lovely houses in very nice areas. Never had a 'posh' car, but that didn't matter. We had a great life and each other, so, I just count my blessing and get on with it.
Life's not fair. Jill being so ill all the times not fair, but hey I'm always well, so I will look after her till I can do it no more.
(Last year was an exception when she had more mini strokes and she wouldn't even let me touch her, let alone help her.That was horrible being apart and having to let the professionals take over.)

Funny old world aint it?

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 1:47 pm
by india77
Pete - that was a lovely post, brought tears to my eyes. x

Re: Leaving but not leaving

Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 8:03 pm
by I_carer
im with you pete, and am only in the early stages of carering, me and my partner our in our 30's.been with her for 5 years, and we have been through alot in just those 5 years, homeless, babie loss scare, unemployment, cancer scare, just to mention a few, and now shes ill with no chance of recovery, seems like every year we are challenged with something, i no doubt this year will be no different. But despite all the bad things that have happened we got through it all and have become stronger.I have also given up alot, my friends, family, work and have no regrets. of coarse ive felt depressed at times but never thought of leavin her, im nothing with out her and realised that along time ago. i know things well get harder but im up for it, i will tackle it head on.im sure that there will come a time were i will have had enough, but i will jus think about all we have been through together and why i do what i do and is for love. is very easy for people to say if your unhappy then leave, but she gives me he strentgh, im not ill, and i am thankful for that.if she can do it so can i. everyday i am reminded of how lucky i am in life and love.most people would give up a lot for what i have.