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I'm off! :) - Carers UK Forum

I'm off! :)

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
Just to say I'm off now.

All the very best to you all. For those who have 'gentle' elderly carees, or 'easy' ones, or ones that you simply want to give to, without return, then I think you are both lucky, and very generous of your time and lives and spirits!

For those who are less fortunate in their elderly carees, as some here are, then I can't really say anything any more.

I do think respect is a two-way street, and if your caree doesn't respect you, then why should you respect them?

Anyway, enough debate, it's got me into too much controversy already.

I will leave this board to those who were here first. Image

Thank you for all the help I've received myself here, which has indeed been most helpful in my own 'carer' situation.
jenny, you will be welcome back at any time, I don't think I am alone in thinking this.

This is a carers forum and nobody is excluded. You might need to return..... If so, do not hesitate. We may have different views ...and if someone has strong views then yes, strong responses may follow. This does not mean you are unwelcome.

And to answer your question.... Personally I am driven by love for my caree so respect or anything else As a form of return payment simply does not come into the equation.

my last bit of general advice is to slooooow down your reactions, give yourself thinking time. We will all be here to do our best, in our own ways, should you need support at any time.

You have no need to leave
That's a shame Jenny. There is sometimes a bit of 'navel gazing' on the various boards but I think that comes with carer territory. Good luck to you and hope to see you post again if the need arises. Image
I say that you will be welcome back at any time too. There will always be differing views on here, but we are all carers. Good luck with your mum.
Oh that is a real shame Jenny, I enjoy reading your posts and think you give some sound advice.

Thank you - I'll take a break, at the very least. I'll see how I feel later on.

I do think there are two distinct issues here.

One is what Crocus (I think it was you!) said about parents who used to be 'good' parents, and who, because of illness, and perhaps even age, have changed their personality and character to become 'not good' (ie, behave in ways we would characterise as selfish or inconsiderate etc).

The second is parents who have never been 'good' parents! Who have mistreated and disrespected and disregarded their children all their lives, selffish, manipulative and exploitative.

It is those second type of parents, who, just because they are old and frail and now 'need' the children they treated so badly, that I take exception to. There are several posters here who have been so treated, so it appears to me.

There's a kind of 'subcategory' I think, though, that almost falls between the two types. It's the parents who are themselves mentally ill - they aren't 'nasty' deliberately, or deliberately exploit their children for their own selfish ends, but they damage and burden them simply because they are themselves in need of help, but didn't get it. Parents who've suffered from depression, for example, who have always 'relied' on their children for support. They don't 'mean' to be selfish, yet they are....(as in,they place a huge burden on their children, all their lives...) That category, I think, is a tricky one (I feel my own mum fell into that area.)

As I say, if you are blessed with a 'good' parent, or even if the parent is in the second category, then compassion and patience and endurance may well be called for. But as for the ones who have always been selfish and exploitative and careless of their children, well, those are the ones that I will launch, quite unapologetically, my so-called 'diatribes' at. And if you haven't got one of those types of parents, then I don't really see that criticising criticism of their behaviour is very considerate of the carers who are being so badly treated by their selfish parents....??

In my short time here, I've read posts that show how made wretched, miserable, guilt-struck and downright tormented some people are by the very ones they spend so much time and effort trying to look after and care for parents who haven't, in all their years as parents, long, long before they became old and dependent, done anything to deserve any such time and effort by their children once the parents have become old and needy. Don't such carers deserve a bit of championing, and is such championing really a 'diatribe'? Obviously, I don't think so! I think it only starts to redress a long, long unfairness, perpetrated by people who don't seem to deserve such good, devoted children.

I shall miss you; come back soon. I've actually got a 'nice' parent to look after, but I'm a staunch defender of those who's opinions I might not agree with. Well,I'd like to think so.
Now, is my book the same as yours, or not? Just out of curiosity, I'd love to have an answer... finally!
Jenny, have a day or two off and then return, please. I enjoy your posts and feel that you have a lot of wisdom to offer. If you present a "different" viewpoint, I think that's a good thing. One cannot claim that one has examined a coin if only one side has been studied. The forum needs you.

Besides, the whole good/not so good parent thing is interesting, and hopefully it can be discussed in more depth.