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Feeling very lonely - Carers UK Forum

Feeling very lonely

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It is 3.30 am I cannot sleep. I can hear my daughter. She is in her bed but she is having a wee giggle to herself. Lucy cannot speak or hear and she has a profound learning difficulty. I often wonder what is going through her mind when she laughs or only quietly smiles we often said that perhaps she was talking to the angels. I have just put her back to bed after a shower and change of night wear and sheets and duvet. A wee job for me in the morning.
When this happened in the past and my wife, Kathleen, was here we could laugh over things like this.
That was a few years ago. Kathleen developed Parkinson's and I became carer to both.
She died just over a year ago and I miss her so much. She was the loveliest and kindest person I have ever known. we met when we were just seventeen and were together for 55 years, married for 51.
During the day it is fine when my mind is occupied with other things but in the quiet of night I feel so alone.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Lucy is having a day out with a friend and I will spend a few hours at our local hospital as a volunteer, then do some shopping , then cook our evening meal.
Enough of my rambles. At least this post used up some time.
Hi Prof,
Everything changes when you are widowed. I always felt between us, we could do anything. On my own, I feel much more vulnerable. Have you heard of the "Way Up" forum? It's for people over 50 who have been widowed, lots of people there taking the same journey.
When did you last have a Needs Assessment for your daughter, and a Carers Assessment from Social Services?
They might be able to provide you with some additional support, and it would help your daughter to have someone other than you look after her at times, ready for the time when you are no longer able to care for her. Does she ever have respite care?
thank you for your kind reply. Fortunately I have everything in place. I am a member of our local Disabilities Development Group and a member of the local respite unit Advisory group. As well as these, I am a board member of Carers of West Dunbartonshire. I am very lucky that my local authority has helped a great deal. I have never asked for anything and been refused.
It is only at night that the feeling of being alone kicks in and perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself. However it is daytime now. Get on with the work (large washing from last night).
There are usually some "Night Owls" on the Way Up forum. I have never really slept well since my husband died, over 9 years ago. Tried alcohol, tried medication, both gave me a horribly dry mouth so I still woke around 4am. Even treated myself to a very expensive new bed, even that didn't work.
Now I just accept that I'm a rotten sleeper, and I have a kettle and tea tray in my bedroom. After my 4am cuppa I put on a really boring TV programme thanks to Sky Plus in my room, and then I listen to the programme, not the thoughts in my head! Then I can nod off well for a few hours.
However, I'm in the fortunate position of being a part time carer now, and my bedroom is the garage (converted) so I can be awake, asleep, watching TV, even vacuuming, without waking anyone else up.
I think, in a way, we feel closest to 'reality' in the night time. There is nothing to distract us, and it's just 'us and the universe' and the great mystery of life. Why are we here, what for, does it mean anything, are we just sparrows flying in from the dark into a lighted hall, and then out the other side into more darkness?

Or is it this life that is the illusion, and 'Reality' is beyond our human ken, and one fine day we'll wake up to it, and discover that all along, we were celestial butterflies simply dreaming we were humans....working out our purpose here.

Hoping so! :) :) :)
It seems like a long time since I posted on this site. It was January 10th in the early morning. I posted at that time that I was feeling very lonely having lost my dear wife.
I could hear the sounds of my wee daughter, Lucy, in her bedroom.
That was January 2016,
Lucy died in November of the same year. It has taken a long time to come to terms with the loss of the two people that I had cared for, for so many years. It leaves a large hole in your life when you realise that your main purpose in life has ended. It is a very strange feeling, living alone after so many years
That is when I realised that I did not have a life outside of being a carer.
Since then I have become quite active in several voluntary areas but it seems that I still can only become interested in areas of caring. I have not found something "nice" that I could do.
I heard someone talking the other day on the radio about "finding himself" again.
So perhaps the way forward when caring ends is to stop and have a good look at yourself and what you have become.
By doing this, perhaps fulfillment can be found again.
I will give it a try, starting tomorrow. I am heading to the Orkney Isles for a wee break and some contemplation.
Hi Prof,
I'm sorry to hear that you lost Lucy so quickly after your wife. I was a multiple carer, all 4 parents and a brain damaged son. Parent, husband, and brother now all gone. I also had a car accident which left me unable to walk properly until I had two knee replacements.
I completely lost the "real me" until I went to stay in a lovely singles hotel in Crete. It's only got 35 bedrooms, lovely food, wonderful trips out. Here I found how to smile, laugh, and have a good time again. If you would like the details, send me a PM.
Hi Prof
I'm of the mind that bereavement after caring hits doubly hard as it is a loss of lifestyle as well as the loss of a beloved. Keeping ties with caring may well help early on, and I am sure you've had much experience to share and pass on. It may well be that you are approaching a good time to move on somewhat, even if that provokes feelings of guilt. Perhaps take 'little steps' and just step back from one voluntarily role at a time, replacing it with one other activity and just see how it goes. You can always change your mind, and never say never! One of the most difficult things to get used to after caring is the freedom... it does take a long time
I hope your break helps clarify things, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't. There no time schedule to bereavement, no rules and no right or wrong.

Bereavement most certainly takes 'time'. When I lost my husband, a friend of mine who is divorced warned me it could take over five years to 'adapt' to being single again.

She has proved right.

My MIL ( who now, poor soul, is in deep dementia), said to me when I was widowed 'You'll get used to it'. That sounded brutal, but in fact it has proved true. I HAVE got used to it. I never thought I would, but I have. (She had been widowed for over twenty years when she said that to me) (and she, like you, lost a child as well....)

Finding a 'new way to live' is hard, so hard, but in the end we do. Yet on days like today, Father's Day, it all comes rushing back, that life we used to have.

I hope the sojourn in Orkney works out well for you. It's a good time of year to go!!!!!