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Sibling conflict - Carers UK Forum

Sibling conflict

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
Hi ,
I would be interested in advice on getting siblings involved in delivering care to mother , 95 years who lives alone.
I have several siblings , but only 2 of us are regularly providing care.
We all have different commitments e.g.- grandchildren/ work / voluntary work.
I have tried to facilitate discussion but it is met with defensive responses and excuses.
Whilst I recognise we all have different lives , it is the reluctance to engage in discussion that frustrates me.
It's like they feel if they ignore the problem , they don't need to help.
Any advice appreciated.
Anne, welcome to the forum.
My brothers always left me to look after mum, so they could live the life they wanted, never mind mine!

Forget about your siblings, and sort out some reliable care without them.
Can you tell us a bit more about mum?
Obviously, she is now very elderly, what does she need help with?
Is she becoming forgetful?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings (the rough limit for help from Social Services)?
Thanks Bowlingbun.
We do have carers for one hour in the morning.
SS feel that is sufficient at present - which I do agree with - however it will change .
Its general stuff - housework , shopping , laundry + appointments that we cover.
Mum is getting steadily more confused + I personally feel is getting more lonely.
I feel we should strive to do a " family " visit most days .
This doesn't happen when I or the other involved sibling is away.
Have tried to get voluntary services I.e. Befriending involved but no success yet.
Yes she has arranged POA.
Dear Anne
Welcome to our forum, I just wanted to point out a couple of other avenues you could use to connect with other carers. Apologies if you are already aware of these or using them. Firstly we have our weekly Care for a Cuppa session held on Monday afternoons usually at 3pm for about an hour, this session is a chance for carers to come together to chat and support each other and share advice at the same time. I've attached the link for you https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups
We also run a Share and Learn session, these sessions run at different times of the week and a more fun based session on anything from yoga to a talk, I've attached this link too https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... e-sessions
Please have a look at these Anne and see if one grabs your attention and of course we have our helpline too they can be contacted should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
with all good wishes
Ingrid
Hi Anne

When a parent needs care, there are often long family debates/discussions/arguments but more often than not there is one individual, or a couple if you're lucky, who carry the lion's share.

It's particularly noticeable when there is a dementia involved, or a terminal cancer. Some people find these very difficult to face. Some find it impossible. Obviously, I've no idea if any of that is happening with your Mum but it doesn't matter: her age is another factor.

When my boss announced that she had cancer (treatable), almost all the staff got into a panic: "How do we treat her? What do we say?"

I told them to treat her as they always have. She's the same person. Talk to her as you always would. It's fine to ask "How are you?" - just like we always do. Like most people, she'll say "fine." But if she doesn't, she'll be glad you asked and might open up to you - that's a good thing.

Simple stuff. But most people with no experience of the shit end of life have no idea that it's that simple and don't know what to say or do - so they avoid it. And avoid discussing it. And the coronavirus situation has not helped to get around that.

Why not try a different approach and organise a family get together, maybe to celebrate the end of restrictions? A fun event to break the ice and relieve the tension? It might be easier then to discuss the other stuff.
HI Anne,

on a different note, does your Mother claim Attendance Allowance - this could be used to pay for a cleaner/gardener/someone to do the laundry etc

You can read about it here https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... -allowance

Melly1
Hello Anne, just to let you know you are not alone. Unfortunately there are very few families that I know who all get on and work out how to care for their elderly parent (s). Sadly it is often down to the females to sort things out then they get criticised for doing so!

it’s happened in our family of 3 siblings. It happened in my husband’s family (3) and it has happened to so many of my friends. the family next door to where I grew up had 8 children and when their mother became old and ill the family split into 2 x groups of 4 and it was a nightmare because the 2 groups had separate ideas.

I tried to get us all working together and invited both siblings to come to my house when Mum was staying with me. One turned up and the other ignored me. they both live within 5 miles of my house.

If families don’t communicate then there is not much you can do. Does anybody have Power of Attorney? In my case I did and I am glad I did so because I was able to get on and organise her care, her bills, everything really.
Where there is conflict about "what happens to mum" it has to be very clear that those who can't be bothered to help have lost their entitlement to influence any decision, by their inaction.
So if they say "I don't want mum to go in a home" but don't do nothing, they can't complain if mum goes into a home.

One of my brothers came back to the UK every year or two.
He expected me to welcome him with open arms, cook him a nice meal, and then he proceeded to tell me what MORE I should be doing for mum!!!
Mum knew that without my help and support she would have been in a home years previously.
Second brother did nothing, then was upset because mum had changed her will, giving me more, him less.
He was so aggrieved that his solicitor wrote me a snotty letter demanding more.
This is the brother who took his wife and kids to the Caribbean on Concorde, telling mum that it was better for the children as the journey was shorter. About the same time as my husband was made redundant for a second time and we were on Income Support.
I now know that whilst I was given £20 for Christmas, brothers were being given thousands of pounds.
When I told eldest brother that I'd never borrowed a penny off mum and dad since I married at 19, his instant reply was "Well you can't have asked right".
Too late I realised that I was walked all over by everyone because I was too kind and caring. I should have stood up for myself more. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will care about you.