families!!!

[James83]

Got to love some families and how they act towards their own....

Completely out of the blue earlier today , mum got a call from one of my sisters instructing her ,, they are picking her up Friday to go out to a holiday cottage some of the family are at ..
mum said no thanks , if they are at the cottage and have been for nearly a week without contacting me , then it is clear i am not wanted.
my sister laughed and said rubbish ,,, you'r going , you'r just in a mood because he is with you ( meaning me )... mum said no , if they have been up at the cottage for nearly a week already it is clear they do not want me around. my sister then tried the guilt trip , and said whats changed you met them all the last time...
mums reply that was for my brother to scatter his ashes , that was diff.
my sister told mum well tough we are picking you up on Friday , mum yet again said NO you will not i am not wanted enjoy your self .
the real kick in the teeth this holiday cottage is less than 5 min drive from us.. infact if you were to remove all the trees at the golf course and around the Loch , you could actually see the holiday cottage they are staying at.

you might think it sounds a bit pathetic , but the last time they were all up my Auntie as good as ignored my mum but the rest all swore they would always always visit and it was great to meet me after so many years , and a few of the guys could go fishing , hiking wild camping. yet here they are at the holiday cottage and no one has been in touch , not even to mum on facebook saying they are coming up.
this has now caused mum to be stressed and so worked up she has smoked 40 cigs ,, ( had cut down to 12 a day thanks to vaping )
i am just so sick of the family treating mum like an animal at a safari park , come for a visit every once in a blue moon just to keep her happy knowing full well she has done nothing and rubbing in they have been here there and every bloody where and done this that and the next thing. and they have this amount of money. then leaving until the next visit which will be in time for christmas weather dependant.

but all the time knowing they dont need to care because hey he is there 24/7.
they like referring to me as "" he ""

[susieq]

Bl**dy helicopters !

Hover in, give the benefit of their advice/tell you where you're going wrong and then hover off again Oh yes we all know their type James ! All I can say is that in times to come their attitude will come back and bite them when they least expect it !

(any chance at all that you and Mum might be able to get away for Christmas so you won't be there to be made a makeshift of ???)

[Elaine]

I do understand Mum's reaction. If, when they booked the cottage, they'd contacted her and said, 'We're hoping you'll join us on the Friday Mum', then that might have been a little different but obviously they are insensitive and selfish and have absolutely no idea. My magic wand wish for you is that Mum is a secret millionaire and has very sensibly left her huge fortune to the only person who gives a damn!! Unfortunately I've lost my magic wand but you get the sentiment I'm sure.
How dare they be so disparaging of you? I do hope 'what goes around, comes around' one day for them. Karma.
What will you do on Friday? Barricade the door? Hide behind the curtains or go out somewhere? Poor Mum, she must feel it both for herself and you. So hurtful.
Sending a big ((hug)).
Elaine

[Penny]

I sympathise James and agree with Elaine. If they'd just said "we're holidaying nearby and hope you can join us" that would have been much kinder. There's nothing worse than feeling you are an afterthought.

I am in a similar position to you in that I do most for my elderly Mum and as my hubby says, if I wasn't here she would never have lasted this long. I do her shopping, have her to stay many weekends, take her to all her appointments at hairdresser, hospital, optician, dentist etc. I take her to my Dads grave and we care for that and my brothers never, ever go there despite them both living nearby. I do most of her phone calls now, do all her correspondence etc. As she is getting more frail I have arranged for her to have various aids in her house ..... They don't do one single thing. However, if she buys anything they soon want to know what it cost! I encourage her to buy what she wants and have anything that makes her life easier but they hate her spending her own money.

James ... It's hard enough being the main carer without family members interfering isn't it? Can you and your Mum go out for the day on Friday so you avoid any upset?

[James83]

Sadly Susie we are not able to go anywhere for a brake , no money and no transport of our own. and kennels around me are £70 + a week.
As for friday , they wont visit . they will be to busy enjoying their bar meal , drinks enjoying them selves and wont give mum and i 1 second of thought.
My sister might just pop in before they go back home , but if she does it will be just about how everyone is , how much they enjoyed them selves , how good the meal was. and have the balls to say "" and how are you , what have you been doing "" .... summed up in 1 word NOTHING.

to clear things up a little , it is our English side of the family who are at the holiday cottage , my uncle moved back to England to be closer to his grand kids . but when he passed away and had been cremated they brought him home and scattered his ashes in the surrounding hills / loch so he is all around mum.
they swore when they were here last they would start to keep in touch and would ALWAYS meet up. they had even started arranging stuff i would do with them , fishing , walk the west highland way ,, wild camping etc etc..
so mum feels extremely let down , as she was hoping this would be a chance for me to get out , have brakes away , be with family i had not seen since i was 7 .
i found it weird to meet my 2nd cousions for the very first time , when they were up to scatter my uncles ashes. but despite that we got on like a house on fire .. but that looks like that was the first and last time i will see them lol.
i came so close to taking a walk to said holiday cottage and having a word or 2 lol. its not like it would have taken me long to walk there .

[Pet66]

Hi James.
In the past I had a helicopter member of family. Won't bore you.
However, and this is just a thought of mine. Do you feel you could write a letter to the helicopter members in your family. Not rude but maybe assertive? Explaining how your Mum has been let down by them, exactly what your day entails etc. At least you can tell them you can hold your head up high, but they can't.
It's only my thought, and I understand if I get shot down in flames at the suggestion. Xx

[James83]

Hi Pet

Sadly a letter or even talking to said family members would result in a cheep laugh for them.
1 sister who lives 60 mins from us has always said i am not her brother , she had her own life and family to concentrate on by the time i was born ( i am same age as her eldest daughter ).
But it has always been the same with her , her brother ( there twins ) and my sisters 2 daughters they are all exactly the same in they do not care.

said sister has even said "" you were only born so late in mums life , so you can look after them , thats your job "" .
but hey never mind lol.

that last time they were up Pet i did speak to them about being mums carer now , difficulties in getting a job while being a carer and dependant on poor expensive public transport.. how hard it is mentally stuck in same routine .. its ok for the likes of them having a day job , able to finish and go home for the evening.. my job as carer 24/7 365 . and i would just get the reply most of us have had no doubt ..

"" that must be difficult for you , thats hard on you .. surely you can do this , that or its not as difficult as you make it out to be etc etc "" .

if the chance ever came to me , i could easily immigrate and cut all ties off to said family and not give them a single thought. i would keep in touch with my disabled sister and her husband as they are the only 2 who bend over backwards to help us out . and visit us once a month every month as long as public transport is running or weather allows. i would also keep in touch with my brother in England.

[Pet66]

Things eventually have a habit of biting horrible nasty people on the bum,when least expected. I hope it happens and it stings like hell!
Children are not born to look after parents. They do it out of love, as you do. Admiringly. Let's hope they don't need help, emotionally or otherwise in the future. They may not get it!
My husband, sadly in a nursing home now, is the youngest. Only male.It was expected that he would live with his mother and be there for her. Then he met me. Whoops!
I'm so sad that your family would find it a cheap laugh if you explained the situation. They sound abominable .
You take care

[James83]

in the past , they have even went as far as saying "" you are just ungrateful , your so and so age your single dont have a girlfriend or a wife or kids or a job .. your a failure . and when mum dies you wont have a clue what to do ""...
GEEEEEE thanks a bunch for the support lol.

even one of my nieces on her wedding day had to have a dig at me ,,, i had to pay £5 extra for the invite we sent to you ,, the rest all had +1 but because your a loner we know you dont have a +1 so we had to have a special one made up.
i just said , well lets be honest , you dont want me here and i really dont want to be here either . but you needed me because you invited your gran who does not want to be here either because she has been sat in a corner all night while your guests ignore her , and 3 insulted her when she was in the toilet.
we soon left after that as my brother his girlfriend at the time ,, mum and i were all bored to tears .. we left stopped off at a fish and chip shop ordered a load of food came home and played on the wii and had our own little party lol.

[Penny]

Hi James.
In the past I had a helicopter member of family. Won't bore you.
However, and this is just a thought of mine. Do you feel you could write a letter to the helicopter members in your family. Not rude but maybe assertive? Explaining how your Mum has been let down by them, exactly what your day entails etc. At least you can tell them you can hold your head up high, but they can't.
It's only my thought, and I understand if I get shot down in flames at the suggestion. Xx

In an ideal world this might work Pet. I tried this with my two brothers and never even got a phone call or letter back. They just ignored me so I knew then it was the end of the line.

People with a sense of decency would read such a letter and respond but I'm afraid a lot of families are not like that. I actually spent several days composing my letter and asked a couple of good friends to read through it as I didn't want it to sound aggressive, bossy or judgemental but it fell on deaf ears.