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Carers UK Forum • feel like a leper being a full time carer & thank you
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feel like a leper being a full time carer & thank you

Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:13 pm
by Ian_2007
Just wondering how others feel ...... Ian 54(looking after dad 93 full time.why do I feel that friends/partner don’t want to know me,when I need them the most.never had a holiday in years(Covid 19) has made things worse(understandable) I feel really hurt and abandoned (tried online dating,total disaster.how can a 54 year old man meet new genuine people...... people who will support me through good a bad days.are there anyone out their with similar situation. Ian

Re: Why do I feel like a leper being a full time carer

Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2020 10:20 pm
by Melly1
Hi Ian,

I think it's rather a catch 22 situation. Only carers (and ex-carers) appreciate how difficult, limiting and tying caring can be. However, carers are very caught up in their own caring situation and therefore only have limited capacity to help another carer. Covid certainly makes everything worse and a more intense.

Perhaps you need to separate the two - caring friends for emotional support and friends/potential dates outside of caring.

Are you able to leave your Dad alone? If not, then having a Needs assessment for him/ Carers Assessment for you. If you can, you need to get more (not easy with restrictions.) Often the best way to make more social connections is through following your interests.

Melly1

Re: Why do I feel like a leper being a full time carer

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:47 am
by TigerLily
Ian_2007 wrote:
Wed Oct 21, 2020 7:13 pm
Just wondering how others feel ...... Ian 54(looking after dad 93 full time.why do I feel that friends/partner don’t want to know me,when I need them the most.never had a holiday in years(Covid 19) has made things worse(understandable) I feel really hurt and abandoned (tried online dating,total disaster.how can a 54 year old man meet new genuine people...... people who will support me through good a bad days.are there anyone out their with similar situation. Ian
Hello Ian,

You sound like you are having a really tough time of it, and this only intensified by this relentless Covid 19 situation. Melly1 makes some very good points in her reply. I completely agree with her that only carers and ex-carers really understand the experience of caring inside out. I wonder sometimes whether perhaps for others looking in from outside it is hard to understand because what is most difficult for carers is not outwardly visible and because most caring takes place in the home, out of sight. Making a clear distinction between supportive and understanding friends and dating material sounds a helpful clarifier. I suppose it depends what kind of relationship you are looking for or have the energy for at present. I find talking to friends invaluable not because they always understand the whole carer situation, but because talking to someone else takes my mind off my own situation and I can enter into what is going on for them which gives me a kind of break from my own constant mental machinations. I’m afraid I don’t have any magic suggestions about meeting new people that are genuine and loyal and stalwart and supportive, but I can say you are not alone in feeling baffled by others responses to you as a carer. Caring is inherently a very lonely business at times. I wish you the best with it all. Don’t give up on finding what you are looking for.

Re: Why do I feel like a leper being a full time carer

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 8:46 am
by Judith_1705
I think we are twins! I am 54 and looking after a 92 year old.
I just had to see a psychiatrist through stress and got a diagnosis of anxious personality disorder. This is because I am the youngest of 4 and had to start caring for my depressed mother from an early age. However now that all the world is becoming housebound, this is the time for the feelings of isolation to be addressed. I try to find music to comfort me.
When I get insomnia I listen to this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjF9IqvXDjY

Re: Why do I feel like a leper being a full time carer

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 10:19 am
by Pet66
Hello Ian
Sad to read your post.
I'm not in the same position as you. However when my husband started to get dementia, and eventually went into a nursing home, all but 2 friends stayed in contact. Others avoided me. Luckily have lovely neighbours either said of me,who are still supportive, others crossed the road if saw me. Just hello would have made me feel like I hadn't got an infectious ailment. It was the same when he passed away. People don't know what to say, and are afraid to ask, maybe not knowing what to do with the answer.
I do hope things improve for you, and apologies that I cannot be very supportive. Know how difficult it is. Keep posting.

Caring(feel like a leper)

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:05 pm
by Ian_2007
The you all for your kind words and support ian

Kind/words support

Posted: Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:19 pm
by Ian_2007
Thank you to UK carers and all who have supported me lately,hope I can can help others in need of support(so so many genuine people on here) ian

Re: feel like a leper being a full time carer & thank you

Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 5:49 am
by Sarah_201112
Hi Ian. I feel like you do. I look after my dad. I go into him three times a day. I don't hardly speak to any one. See no one only my own family. Its very isolating.