FB FW : advice to those of us caring for elderly parents

[pamr1]

have you a crossroads scheme near you denise. they do seem to cover most areas (i think).
my mum now has somebody come 4 days per week. there is a charge for this of course, but as she gets attendance allowance i use this to pay for it.
It has made a world of difference to me, as i know that somebody is going in to my mum on those days. two of the days she is there 1 hour and on the other 2, two hours. mum forgets she has been as soon as she leaves, but as i said, at least i know somebody has seen that my mum is ok. i still have the responsibility and have to go to my mum on those days, but work around the crossroads visits, then my mum's day is quite full of visitors.
in your case, it would give you an hour or two to do something for youself.
if you think this could help you, just google crossroads and see if they operate in an area not too far from you. they are about 10 miles from my mum, but still come.

I really can empathise with you denise, not that it helps you much. xxx

[crocus]

I am sorry, I am probably going to upset a lot of people here and I apologise in advance, but am I the only person who finds the sentiment in that poem extremely patronising?

It assumes that the elderly adult with cognitive decline is the same as a young child and while there are similarities in behaviour and the way they respond, there are also profound differences.

Children, including disabled children (unless they have a degenerative condition), delight you with their ability to respond to new events and are able to do new things. Adults with cognitive decline cause anguish with the constant discovery of things that they are no longer able to do.

Children have limited knowledge of the things they cannot yet do and are led and guided towards adulthood. Adults can still remember doing things that they can no longer do, so are followed from behind, scurrying after them and picking up the pieces (often literally)

Children expect you to teach and correct them - even if there is a tantrum at times. They are aware of their ability to do things and are, rightly, proud of it. Adults do not expect you to correct or instruct them and get very upset and controlling. They are often aware of their decline and it can frighten them.

With children you look forward and the world widens. With adults you look back at what they were and the world diminishes.

[pamr1]

so true crocus.x

[bowlingbun]

My biggest problem with mum, at 87, is the fact that she forgets I'm now 61, widowed, with health problems, a son with SLD and a business to run. I'm sure she still thinks of me as being young, fit and carefree - those were the days!

[DC-dogmummy]

Jill has asked me to fill in some of the background of my situation. My mum is 90 and my dad died of prostate cancer and associated complications 18 months ago. Mum had a brain operation shortly after they were married and although she made a good enough recovery, her balance has always been poor and she lacks emotional resilience and independence. The operation and resultant rhesus factor problems was why she only had one child- me. All my life I have been brought up to look after mum and been made aware not to upset her. I am now 63 and still work part time- that is the one thing she does not really resent as it enables us to be 'comfortable'. Mum is frail and needy but thank goodness reasonably fit. She has bad carpal tunnel and gets very depressed. Because she lives with me she has no benefits. I struggle with my need for a life of my own and managing her needs not to be alone.

[ladybird17]

This site is just so wonderful for finding people whose situation almost mirrors your own.

Denise I too am divorced with no siblings. My Mum passed away 8 years ago and I care for my Dad who is almost 93. He is absolutely remarkable despite various health problems, including being partially sighted. After a severe UTI last year he pretty much lost all his mobility. I am self-employed and have had to cut down my work commitments quite dramatically over the past few years. My Dad receives Attendance Allowance but nothing else as he has some savings (obviously he worked all his adult life to provide for their latter years). I fall into the arbitrary "window" of women born between two dates who have to wait an extra two years plus two months to be classed as a pensioner.

I had many hopes and dreams of the things I would do, places I would see when my time came. Now I feel that time has come and gone. My social circle has dwindled to virtually no one. Sometimes I come on here just to type something in the hope that someone will reply and then I won't feel that I'm invisible to anyone but my Dad. I've had many wonderful experiences in life (along with a few not so wonderful!) and I try, so, so hard not to feel hard done by. But I can't help it - I do - and because I know there are thousands of people way worse off than I am it makes me feel even worse for feeling like I do!

I guess you just never know what your lot in life is going to be - it's a bit like buying a lottery ticket, a few get lucky, but most of us don't.

[crocus]

(((hugs)))) denise and ladybird

[madeliaette]

I just found that they even have a movie on the same theme....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... NK6h1dfy2o