Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
Hi James,
It seems to me that there may be a lot of 'history' in your family that has spilled over to the current generation.
For some reason you and your mum are getting the 'flack', which isn't fair, especially when it's aimed at you, whatever they blame Mum for in the past.
You can either try to build bridges with your relatives, perhaps one at a time, or stop hoping or expecting anything from them and treat them as strangers and concentrate on your own situation as if they didn't exist.
So, if you discount any relatives and any help or support that you'd hope for, but which they are seemingly never going to provide (for whatever reason), what are you going to do about your present situation and your future?
You need a life of your own as well as your caring role and to ensure that, you need help with mum. Do you know how to start getting that help or can we advise/suggest?
You are wasting your energy and setting yourself up for hurt if you keep hoping your family will rally round. If they were going to do that, it would already have happened. They might have their misguided or even valid reasons, but they obviously don't want to be involved and are making you the dumping ground for all their resentment and anger. You need to cut yourself off from that if it is not resolvable.
It doesn't appear from what you have written that their attitude is your fault at all but it does sound as if you give as good as you get and hurt work both ways. You and your 'English family' seem to meet with a 'battle ready' attitude, whatever the occasion. It's rather sad.
Elaine , i am not and never would expect any help from my family.

it is not me setting my self up for anything , it is mum that is hurt , as she believed when they were up to scatter her brothers ashes that they would keep to their word and it would start to allow me to have a bit of fun.
We are not entitled to any help for mum , the local council has stated she is not disabled enough to require any assistance , and the work they carried out on the home while dad was alive , is more than suitable for mum until the time comes she requires further assistance.
the one thing we do need is the walk in shower removed , and a bath put back in. as mum's dr has told her a bath would help her a hell of a lot with 1 of her medical issues. We got in touch with SS and informed them and were told , no money left in the budget ,, and you can make do with the walk in shower / wet room we done for your husband we wont ever remove work.

I am not and never would attempt to waste my time with any of them to build bridges , as any time in the past that i have done so , or told them how i feel i get told to shut up , get lost , your over acting , your doing the job you were born for . thats the only reason you were kept alive. and that is from my sister who lives less than 1 hour by car.

I have no idea where you think my English family and i meet battle ready.
I have not seen them in over 25 years , i call them my English family because that is what i have always been told to call them from when i was a little kid , and my Uncle and Auntie lived up here. My auntie always told me to refer to her as from the English family.
I have zero hate towards any of them, just more annoyed at the usual "" we will keep in touch "" only to find out they contact all the other family members and ignore mum and i . and we are the ones less than 5 mins from where they are staying lol...the issues i have are , my sister , her kids and a brother all living so close and constantly hurting mum and letting her down and making her feel useless .

in regards to hurt , i gave up years ago talking to my sister , her kids and my brother . they know full well what happens and are simply not interested. my sister has admitted she never thinks about me at all and she could not care less. it is not a case of give as good as you get , as i never talk to them how they do to mum and i , i have never been rude to them or been aggressive to them . and mum has asked them in the past why do you shrug off james so much , and they just change the subject.

I am not the best when it comes to explaining things in word , so i am sorry if i gave you the wrong end of the stick , or cause any mix up .

in short , i am sick of them screwing with mum , and then dumping her like a dirty rag.
they can all have issues with me , hate me , ignore me if they want . i am 32 with my life ahead of me i can and more than likely will chose to ignore them , its no skin of my nose lol.
James, I feel really sad when I read your posts, because I too was the one always expected to care for mum by my dad (a top scientist who worked away from home a lot) and my two brothers. My mum had severe arthritis and dad worked away from home. It was always assumed that I would do everything she couldn't, although I had my own home. When I was 27 my youngest son was born, brain damaged at birth, with severe learning difficulties, but I still had to help mum.
I don't know exactly what is wrong with your mum, or what help she needs, but it sounds as if she needs to be much more assertive. Aunt is her sister, it's up to her to tell sister herself to get lost, if that's what she feels.
It's up to you to make sure you don't become some sort of substitute for your dad.
If mum needs help then she MUST accept some outside help so you can have a life of your own. I know how tough it is to be widowed and disabled, but the longer you leave it, the worse it will become.
Please don't sacrifice your own life. Caring is about balancing the needs of the caree and the needs of the carer. You need to have regular time off away from mum, to do your own things.
As for your relatives, forget about them. Sadly, they will never change, they will always disappoint you, because that is the sort of people they are. (My brothers would drop in on mum every year or two, and then tell me what more I should be doing!!!) Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Make sure you join a group or society where you can develop a network of friends for yourself, because one day you may need them.
James, it sounds like some members of your family have no empathy towards you or your mother, and considering the upset they've caused you it might be better to cut contact with them, rather than put yourself through it. I've cut contact with my horrid elder sister, as she's been so callous since Mum died that I just can't stomach being anywhere near her. It's no loss, in fact I see it as a positive move - getting rid of unwanted clutter in life is a good thing!

I'm not sure why they think it's acceptable to treat you as a failure just because you haven't been fortunate enough to find the right woman yet, but you're still young so there's plenty of time for Miss Right to come along. :)

Regarding this:
you might think it sounds a bit pathetic , but the last time they were all up my Auntie as good as ignored my mum but the rest all swore they would always always visit and it was great to meet me after so many years , and a few of the guys could go fishing , hiking wild camping. yet here they are at the holiday cottage and no one has been in touch , not even to mum on facebook saying they are coming up.

... they dont need to care because hey he is there 24/7.
they like referring to me as "" he ""
In their defence, when people go to funerals or to scatter ashes, those occasions are often quite emotionally charged, and people will often say things along the lines of keeping in touch etc, because they feel like drawing together as a family, as death sometimes makes people appreciate their living family members more. At the time those things were probably said with genuine good intentions, but then people return to their own lives and quickly forget about those relatives they hadn't seen for years. I'd suggest you don't take it too personally, but keep in touch with the people who've shown you kindness or warmth, if you want to, while not expecting too much of them.

As for those who've been cruel and thoughtless, blank them out, they're not worth the head space.