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Here's something for you - Carers UK Forum

Here's something for you

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
I have been a carer for my disabled partner for the last 10 years or so and back in April i gave up work which i love (milking cows) to look after Mary.so far so good which she likes she generally gets up around 11 if im lucky and the usual demands for breakfast and her favouite devise the tv. I have always cared for people so i help some of the elderly people go shopping and mow the grass and general tidy up of their garden etc this is good as far as i know but i have found if i go out to take someone or do something im not caring for Mary and i must be doing things for an ulterier motive especially any young pretty single ladies with kids etc and heaven forbid i picked up my binoculars and go birding for a couple of hours which i have done for over 40 years while she sleeps but if i stay at home and sit and watch the tv with her i have hours of jerermy kyle, soaps and programms about child birth lovely and Greatest of them all Big Brother i may be going nuts here but would i be right in saying if those kind of people moved in next door you would move to another county where do these people live on another plannet to me thats for sure. thats all the moaning for now hope everyone is well and keep breathing always useful,best wishes Paul ps :evil: i always still grab my bins for a couple of hours a day keeps me sane and as a good friend said what ever you do is wrong so go enjoy yourself and the rest of the crap can wait for an hour or so after a nice stong cuppa
Hi Paul,
Yes, you definitely have to get out. I look after my aged brother, who has careworkers in. It's not too bad here - Marple at the moment, but I have to turn over to Open All Hours at 8.40, later Wycliffe, lots of Sherlock Holmes, three different series on at the moment - I don't have to stay in the same room. Instead of going away for a fortnight to get respite, I am currently doing a photography course, 20 whole Saturdays, and that really gets me into another world, usually street photography but have been doing portraits of careworkers too.

Maybe you saw there are two threads in this part of the forum - Birds in the garden, and Birds not in the garden.
Best wishes with it.
Thanks I know that as a carer we spend our lives helping others and not doing anything for ourselves we have had the grandmonsters down over the last week it has got Mary up and dressed by 8 'today we are back to the normal of up around 1-2 and hurl abuse immediately she wakes up I'm off out now for a quick walk with my binoculars speak to you soon Paul x
Hurling abuse?! NOT ACCEPTABLE. I don't see it as acceptable under any circumstances, disabled or not, because there's no respect. If there's no respect and no love, what's the point of staying together?
Now you have given up work, maybe it's time to set some "ground rules" - you are not her slave. You still have a right to some life of your own. Set a regular time off from caring, maybe 2-4 every day. OK, I understand she didn't ask to be disabled, but you didn't ask for a disabled wife either. No one is to blame, you have to make the best of it. (My son was brain damaged at birth, years later we found out the midwife was a trainee without supervision, so I know acceptance is a hard road).
Has she had a Needs Assessment from Social Services? Have you had a Carers Assessment? It might help if you could explain a bit more about the nature of her disability, what she needs help with. Does she ever go out on her own? Have friends visit? Can you go out together on a weekly special trip, for example?
Hi Paul,
It sounds like Mary is lucky to have you, as are the others you help. I'm struck by this sentence:
...but I have found if i go out to take someone or do something im not caring for Mary and i must be doing things for an ulterier motive especially any young pretty single ladies with kids etc
I wonder if perhaps Mary is a little jealous of these younger ladies? Is that at the heart of her sniping at you, perhaps? Not sure what to suggest, other than having an honest talk with her about how you're feeling.

On the plus side, it sounds like once Mary is parked in front of the TV for the day she is pretty content with watching her programmes, so hopefully you are able to get out and about while she is wrapped up in that, provided her physical needs are met (drinks/snacks nearby, toilet needs sorted before you leave, if she needs help with that).

I agree with you about the people on BB - just awful, most of them. Usually there is no beginning to their talent or charm, they are just desperate wannabes who want to be rich and famous for zero achievements.