Daddy's poems

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
I'm making a new thread for these poems because it's an issue I'm currently dealing with - but I feel that it needs a little background information and a few rules put in place for you to be better able to understand and appreciate the poems I'll share here

The Background

I'll be sharing poems about an historical affair that I had. While I'm not proud that I did what I did, I'm not ashamed of it either.

The affair happened at a low point in my life when I'd been hurt by others and I'd embarked on a destructive path leading to self harm and other things. With the help of Daddy and his children, I was able to kick the destructive behavior, although I was left as an emotionless zombie who needed help to learn how to feel again - which was one thing that Daddy did.

The rules

1) I'll only refer to him as "Daddy". Daddy is not my father, it's a name I use to protect his identity.
2) These poems are based solely on my experiences.
Daddy

Daddy, please know there can be no you and I
Please think about that before you lie
You risk a lot, the price may be to great
Yet all you want is a date

Times have moved on
And people have changed
Sometimes, one small act
Can have such a big impact

Is the price really something you want to pay
Standing by my grave one day
Life can never be the same
I'll never live with the pain

Ending my marriage leaves you nothing to gain
I can never be the same although I might look it
Please think things through, Daddy
For there's lots I can no longer do

The scars still remain - some old and some new
A lot of water has passed through
I'll never be the girl you once knew
Though you taught me a lot
I can never give something I haven't got

Daddy, Why did you go away? was written at a time when I was trying to relocate Daddy having had heard some pretty nasty rumors that I know to be false.

Daddy, Why did you go away?

Daddy, why did you go away?
Don't you know I still need you today?
I can't fight the horrible things they say
Why couldn't you stay?

I looked for you, Daddy
You weren't there
I had to find what they know
Few know you as well as me

I know you didn't choose to go
That you can never leave me
They don't see the bond that we share
It's doubtless they even care
And it's not fair

Doubting Daddy covers Christmas Day 2003, which was the day I was dumped by my alcoholic ex boyfriend. Later that night, I thought that Daddy had replaced me... I now suspect I was wrong but it was the day my affair ended.

Doubting Daddy

It's been 10 years, Daddy
10 years since I walked away
I still think of you every day
Still question the things I saw that night

I know I have no right
That the answers aren't mine
I tried to remember my place, Daddy
But that hurt like mace

I close my eyes at night
And see you walking with her
Hear you laughing
I know I have no right
To feel the things I feel

Go back a few hours more
A part of me died that night
I wanted the only light in my dark, Daddy
To feel you again
Kissing away the pain

Why didn't you give up on me, Daddy?
I know I'm not the best
Do you think this was a test?
Or could it be
That there's more to you and me

I know you have a job to do
I could never take that from you
They are as dear to me
As they are to you
I've seen you with them
I know you are a great dad

Please take these feelings (Make them go away)

Daddy, There are things about me
Things you'll never know
Feelings I can never show
The hardest was stepping back and watching you go

Please take the joy of having you so near
Making me feel so dear
And the pain of the wounds so raw
That you tended so delicately
Please let me build my walls so high
That no one will ever make me cry

Though you never turned your back, Daddy
The pain will never go 'way
Memories of that fateful day are never far away
You saw that I had to feel
In order to heal
But you didn't hear the warning bells peal

I heard the words you said
Now I'm wishing I was dead
For they are burned in my head
Only you can take away
This pain I feel

I thought I could be a mistress
The pain was to cause great distress
When I wanted so much more
Than you could ever give

You taught me to live
In your arms, I learned to feel
Even started to heal
Then you uttered the words
Left wounds of your own

Every day, I feel empty
Though we talked late into the night
One taboo you never covered
Was how I feel

Now I try so hard to find the words
To tell you I think of you each day
The children I wanted as my own in every way
To wake up with you here to stay

I hope when we meet
I can find the words to say
That finally set me free
Please take these feelings (Make them go away)



Daddy, There are things about me
Things you'll never know
Feelings I can never show
The hardest was stepping back and watching you go

Please take the joy of having you so near
Making me feel so dear
And the pain of the wounds so raw
That you tended so delicately
Please let me build my walls so high
That no one will ever make me cry

Though you never turned your back, Daddy
The pain will never go 'way
Memories of that fateful day are never far away
You saw that I had to feel
In order to heal
But you didn't hear the warning bells peal

I heard the words you said
Now I'm wishing I was dead
For they are burned in my head
Only you can take away
This pain I feel

I thought I could be a mistress
The pain was to cause great distress
When I wanted so much more
Than you could ever give

You taught me to live
In your arms, I learned to feel
Even started to heal
Then you uttered the words
Left wounds of your own

Every day, I feel empty
Though we talked late into the night
One taboo you never covered
Was how I feel

Now I try so hard to find the words
To tell you I think of you each day
The children I wanted as my own in every way
To wake up with you here to stay

I hope when we meet
I can find the words to say
That finally set me free


Finding Daddy


Daddy, I've tried so very hard
To find sense where there was none
You see, in my head, there was always a you and me
I know you are gone now
Two years since I last saw you back where you were born

I hope you know that place leaves me feeling torn
The house on the corner holds many ghosts
I am their host
I need you, Daddy
I know where you are, but I can't go

We asked the people we used to know, Daddy
So many different stories
Some say you are alone now
Some complete lies
Others say you left the county

I can feel that you are back home
It's the only place that ever made any sense to me
I considered the other places they say you are but they don't feel right
They never saw what I saw about you
They saw the man
I saw the little boy

Daddy, so many questions
Buzz inside my head
Only you hold the answers
Daddy, I swear
Some day, I'll find you


Hearing Daddy's Call


She ventured to a nearby town with her mother
The town in itself held nothing but pain and misery for her
Though the shops she was visiting were nothing when she last left
So she felt they'd be safe and untainted by the poison in her head

Loading the last of the bags into the car, his call came
He yelled the name that was hers but wasn't hers
She glanced up into the sun in her face
The invisible hands grabbed onto her
Dragging her back through time

The feelings took control of her body
She told herself that this wasn't him
That she'd be safe with Daddy
Her mind and body weren't one
The tears threatened to come

Suddenly, she's sat in the car
Trying to gather the pieces of her broken heart
Questions fly through her mind thick and fast
Only Daddy can provide the answers
But not today, today she needs to shake off the ghosts
Thanks for sharing. We all have some dark crimson secrets, (well I hope we all do!) its refreshing and therapeutic to write them down in the form of poetry. I would too, but my wife would kill me if she saw them in print!
Thanks, Scally... The only reason I wrote these is because I'm currently trying to work through some issues from this time of my life that are currently impacting on my life today. I'd hoped that in getting the feelings down, I could somehow work through them - sadly, that hasn't been the case since I'm still feeling as hopeless and trapped as I ever did.

If anything, I think I'm feeling worse, empty and numb I can do but the desire to run is so strong right now that I'm scared that's what I'm going to do.
An interesting read.

I used to 'pop poetry' as therapy for having an unconventional life. A sort of 'this is me, whether it fits or not' attitude. When things got me down, I would have a weepie til i fell asleep, then wake up in the middle of the night with poetry pouring out from me til i was too exhausted to write any more.

Scally - all MY dark and skeletal secrets are contained in my autobiography!!!! Image so far, it has sold approx a dozen copies,- but then, i am not a superstar so noone wants to know, Image Image
Although I'm not the type to cry, I can relate to what you say about the poems just pouring out of you. Many a night I've sat there with my knitting in my hands and a notebook and pen by my side.

I've learned that when it's like that, the only way to deal with it is to get it all down on paper and sift through it later on after you've had some rest.