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That giving it all up feeling. - Carers UK Forum

That giving it all up feeling.

Socialise and chat about other areas of your life
Apologies if this is posted in the wrong area. Today I am feeling completely invisible and as though if I disappeared no one would notice at all. The only people I really see at the school gates at drop off and pick up time were all discussing meeting up over Christmas, the Christmas parties they are going to etc. I always try to be social but just always seem to be looked over. I said goodbye and have a great Christmas this afternoon and was completely ignored. I hate this social isolation I experience daily. Just feel like disappearing completely. Had enough of it all.
Hi Emma,
I have that feeling too. I teach in a school and in the past our school was small and we used to have school social occasions i.e. a staff Christmas meal and S was always welcome to come along. Now our school has quadrupled and people just do things in small groups and I feel quite excluded as they plan to meet up etc They are able to leave children etc with partners, Grandparents etc

I think Christmas highlights to us how isolated we can feel. Have you read Denise's thread https://www.carersuk.org/forum/social-a ... tmas-24386

I'm sorry you felt ignored today. You are very welcome here though.

Melly1
Hello Emma
How rude of them. How childish. Makes you wonder who is at school. Them or their kids.
When you are at the school gates, look around and see if there is another Mum, looking isolated. If so, stand by her and say hello. You don't need this ill mannered gang of overgrown schoolgirls. How is your daughter doing? Does she have a nice group of friends?
However what you could do, caring for hubby and daughter permitting, is join some kind of group which shares interests with you. Literacy appreciation, running or local sports centre, evening cookery classes? You could meet a new real friend, or you would at least spend some time with people who are on your wavelength. I have a couple of long term good friends who I see once a month or so. They put up with my moaning and complaining. However I don't have a social circle any more. My group is an art group. Once a week for a couple of hours. My 'me time'.
I know the feeling. Except for the carers on this site, all the people I see are rushing around, preparing for a lovely Christmas, going out, having parties, all bright and breezy. I'm working all over that weekend and for the week after. Working as in caring. If care workers are working when they come and help Mum, aren't I?
Christmas in a non event as far as I am concerned. Decs in the attic and staying there. No social events at all. Worst Christmas ever, even including the one when my dad had recently died or the one when I had flu.
Hope you can have a nice time though. I don't begrudge anyone else a lovely Christmas. It's just not for me this year.
X
Elaine
Hi Girls,

I feel isolated for a different reason. I've posted many times in the 'feel alone' section. I care for my 81 year Mum.

Yesterday, I scurried around trying to get things organised for today, Christmas Day, and went to bed shattered after she'd wet herself several times and I'd done three extra loads of washing, on top of the one that was scheduled.

Anyway, I went to bed last night at midnight which due to Mum is usual. Today, I'm sitting here absolutely shattered. No presents to open and she's fast asleep in the chair! What a lovely Christmas!!

I wept in bed last night and I've wept three times again today. I don't know how much longer I can on....
I hope you're feeling of isolation improves after the school holidays ladies.

Maybe everybody is just too wrapped up with Christmas.
Sue_15071 wrote:Hi Girls,

I feel isolated for a different reason. I've posted many times in the 'feel alone' section. I care for my 81 year Mum.

Yesterday, I scurried around trying to get things organised for today, Christmas Day, and went to bed shattered after she'd wet herself several times and I'd done three extra loads of washing, on top of the one that was scheduled.

Anyway, I went to bed last night at midnight which due to Mum is usual. Today, I'm sitting here absolutely shattered. No presents to open and she's fast asleep in the chair! What a lovely Christmas!!

I wept in bed last night and I've wept three times again today. I don't know how much longer I can on....
Is there any way you can pop her into respite and give yourself a week off? Three special needs dogs hold me down here but I would be off like a shot if I could. When is she due her assessment and when are you due your next carers' assessment? You need to be able to express how you feel about this and to see if it can help you get some space and time back. If the deterioration is marked since the assessment request a special update assessment.
Sue, sorry to hear that you have had a miserable Christmas. Promise yourself now that by this time next year, you will have made some changes. Firstly, having a Carers Assessment from Social Services. Also a Needs Assessment for mum. Your surgery should have some sort of continence nurse/service. Mum needs to be seen by the nurse, and you need to insist on mum wearing a product at night to avoid any more washing. Pads for mum, and specially absorbent sheet covers. This will come much better as advice from the nurse, rather than you. I hope you also have a tumble dryer? Has the time come for mum to need residential care?
Hi Sue
Just to add to BBs comment, the continence nurse will visit you and assess Mum's needs, ie whether she is doubly incontinent, or urine only, whether she has 'accidents' because she cannot get to the toilet or whether she has no control over her bladder at all. She will then prescribe supplies of pants or pads to be delivered to you. In my area you have to give the suppliers a call when you are running low and book another delivery.
Call your GP as soon as your surgery is open after Christmas and ask for an urgent assessment by the continence nurse. Note that supplies are on prescription, so free.
In my area tenna lady products are supplied but not the bed sheets. (Rectangles of disposable absorbent material ). However they can be ordered from the chemist.
Get Mum into continence products asap. If she 'refuses' to wear them, hide her knickers!
All the best
Elaine
Hi Denise,

Popping Mum into respite isn't an option I'm afraid. I so wish I could!! She went in last Christmas due to several falls due to a UTI, the last one being severe and needing two leg operations. She was unable to walk due to the operations for several weeks and spent six weeks in respite. It was one of the best in the area and I fought tooth and nail to move her from the first one she was in over the New Year to the best one. Still not good enough for her Ladyship!!! Nothing ever is...

She's never forgiven me, but as she's not completely ga, ga, so to speak, social services have said that she has every right to make up her own mind. That, presumably, is even if I have a nervous breakdown in the process!! (After the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I've had I feel that the breakdown is well on its way). Care in the community and all that, social services tell me.

If it wasn't for my dear little tabby cats, Poppy and Tilly, I'd have taken an overdose and slashed my wrists long before now...maybe social services would take notice then.

We've only just had a Carers Assessment unfortunately so if they were to visit again now I don't think they would assess her as needing to be in a care home. The assessor suggested various things last time when he came to relieve me for a few hours and an extra person for Mum at the same time. Something like a befriending service for Mum who would be here for an arranged amount of hours, but she won't have somebody strange coming into the house.

She's so b.... SELFISH! Perhaps I might like a befriending service at this rate!

Attachments

Sue, one of the worst aspects of ageing seems to be that the elderly can (not always, but it seems to happen all over the place!) become incredibly self-centred. They do not (cannot??) think about anyone else at all.

I don't know whether it's sort of 'Darwinian' in the sense that as they reach the end of their lives, they simply envy everyone else who is younger, and think to themselves 'Well, they're better off than I am because they're younger than I am, so they HAVE to look after me!'.

But the other way of looking at it, which I urge you to do, is this. They have HAD THEIR LIVES!!!! Ask yourself if your mum was doing what you are doing now, when she was your age? (Maybe she was, of course, - maybe she had a selfish parent herself who only thought of themselves!)(but if she did, then she should know how much SHE sacrificed for that selfish parent, and be horrified at the thought of her own daughter similarly sacrificing herself for her, now that she herself is old!).

Say to yourself as a New Year's Resolution that YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO DECENT LIFE. You have MORE right to one than she has, simply because you haven't yet had it, and she has! ie, she's had her life, she's had her good times, her freedom, whatever whatever. You haven't! Yet she seems to think she can 'use up' your years now!

Look at this way. If years were money, then at 80, she's had, on that basis, eighty thousand pounds. You have NOT HAD THAT MUCH. So why should you, who've had less than she has, now give up what you do have, and sacrifice it to her?? It isn't fair, is it, to expect you to do so. Yet she seems to think it's fine and dandy!

Well, it isn't.

The thing is, you really, really, REALLY need to take on board that the ONLY POWER SHE HAS is over your mind! She cannot force you to look after her, cannot force you to care for her. You do it as a FAVOUR TO HER. That means that if 'her ladyship' doesn't like going into respite to give you a break, well, tough. She doesn't have to agree. You simply have to tell the NHS/SS that you are away for a week, and that you have (if you feel that generous!) sorted out respite care, and then you LEAVE THE HOUSE.

You do have to become strong in yourself to defy her anger and her displeasure. They can't hurt you. It really is 'sticks and stones' you know. She can terrorise you only if you ALLOW her to.

Someone else here went on assertiveness training, and said it helped enormously to stand up to her mother, and I would urge you to consider the same. She bullies you because you let her. If you care about her displeasure, it's her weapon. If you say 'Mum, you can be as cross as you like and you know what, I don't give a monkey's! Now, I've booked my holiday, and I'm off.'

And if you don't want to leave the house (eg because of the cats) simply 'withdraw your care'. Doesn't matter if you live in the same house. Your'e not her slave. The council can either provide the carers, or SHE can pay for them, whatever her financial situation is.

But please please please make it your new year's resolution that you will not be a martyr to her any longer. It is, sadly, up to you to find that strength within you, even if it takes help from assertiveness training, or support from here. Sadly, you are by no means the only middle aged daughter being treated as a slave by a selfish, uncaring parent. And yes, sometimes it's because of dementia (my 91 y/o MIl has not once, not one single damn time, EVER EVER EVER said 'thank you' to me for what I do for her....but I know that is because her brain is dying.)

I do wish you well, but as BB and Elaine say, let this be the LAST 'sacrificed' Christmas you have. Some folk are worth making a sacrifice for - but your mum does NOT sound like one of them!

All the best, and stand up to your mum. Her anger can't hurt you. Only you can let it become a whip to control you with.

Kindest wishes, and all the best for a BETTER 2016 where you stand up to tyranny!

Jenny