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Carers UK Forum • Being abused by the family member we care for!
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Being abused by the family member we care for!

Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 8:34 am
by Thomas_20081

My wife and I have been looking after her mum for 2 years who has the later stages of Parkinson’s with a question mark over her memory.

She seems focussed on doing everything she can to argue with my wife by doing anything she can. The name calling and spite is just a living hell.

She liars and twists things all the time to make other people think we are horrible. When anybody else is near she is all smiles and politeness, then flips straight back as soon as they’ve gone.

Who can I go to for support? My children have to listen to this and endure it and it affecting them too.

We live in her house and saving to move back out, but this will take around 8 months.

Please somebody help.

Re: Being abused by the family member we care for!

Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 9:20 am
by Honey Badger
Hello Thomas and welcome,

Just passing through, others will see your post so please continue to check back

I am sorry your family is going through this, it is very difficult to bear witness to a loved one succumbing to poor health especially when it is in close quarters and family get in the firing line.

As you say it is late stage Parkinson's maybe the memory question mark is part of that as it has been known to bring about some memory issues i.e. confusion, but you could always take this further (memory clinic) in the name of safety of the household especially as is implied you have children living there as well if you suspect a different thing going on.

if you have not done already if the children are mature enough to understand it might be worth having a proper sit down to explain "grandma loves you all very much but she is not well, and when we aren't well that can make us afraid and lash out" or something along those lines, help them to understand this isn't a normal way to behave and maybe a solution like wearing headphones/listening to music when she has an episode if it is the sort of language you would not like them to be exposed to.

Like in the context of making a life lesson out of it, remove the taboo nature of it. It is not nice how she is behaving and in no way excusing it but in the same breath you don't want little ones to grow up to resent a family member for something which is likely out of that persons control - many of us might well end up like that one day

I think a conversation that needs to be had is Mum's future living arrangements when you do move, she clearly sounds like she will not cope alone and you don't want to be in a situation where you as a family are constantly going back/forth to sort things out because she can't look after herself. As I feel like from past experience this is not likely to be a situation where you move and it all stops, even if you were able to bring moving plans forward somehow, sadly.

As said before I know the things said may be hurtful you need to just try and block it out and not respond to it as Mum is not herself.

Best wishes to you and your family

Re: Being abused by the family member we care for!

Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 9:38 am
by Jane Carers UK
Hello Thomas, welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very upsetting for your family. I'm sure there are people on this forum with personal experience of what you're going through who will be along to offer support and advice.

It's important that you don't feel alone in this and that you take care of your own health as well. We're running a series of informal online meet ups for carers to get together and just chat and share experiences and offer support. You only have to share as much as you're comfortable with. Do join us if you'd like to, sign up is here:

https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups

Best wishes


Re: Being abused by the family member we care for!

Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 10:20 am
by bowlingbun
Hi Thomas, don't be afraid to go to Social Services for help.
As a relative under 18 is living in the house, then it's value would probably be disregarded for assessment purposes, so stay put, and get her the help she needs.
Your children have the right to a happy childhood.
Sometimes people put on an act when they think they are being assessed, so get your phone out and record every time she gives you verbal abuse, and keep a diary. It is unacceptable, and counts as domestic abuse, no opts out for illness!
Talk to the CUK about the rules regarding when someone's house value is disregarded, or Google "Paying for care" or look it up on the dot gov site.

Re: Being abused by the family member we care for!

Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 2:32 pm
by sunnydisposition
How old are the children. Your mother in law and you and your wife.

Has there ever been a needs assessment and a carers assessment. If mother in law refuses needs assessment. You and the family can have a needs assessment.

What type of accommodation are you looking for will it be rented or purchased.

Why I ask as O/T and social services reports can be very useful.

https://www.parkinsons.org.uk/informati ... parkinsons