[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
One liners - Carers UK Forum

One liners

Please feel free to join in or start any games.
See how many groans you can get out of these:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a fantastic service.

19 airheads go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" One replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Hope these are acceptable they are not intended to be racist or upsetting
Have a Good weekend
If nobody is offended, then it isnt funny. I thought the Ram A Dam one was brilliant!
I loved then my kind of humour Image

Reminded me of Time Vine
Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy these:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
3. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
4. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
5. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
6. To steal ideas from one person is plagarism. To steal from many is research.
7. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
13. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
14. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
15. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
18. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
19. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
20. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I like the idea of putting Doctor in the "in case of emergency question"
- A dyslexic walks into a bra....

- The meek shall inherit the earth...they're too weak to refuse
- The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's O.K with the rest of you?

- I had the right of way but he had the truck!

- Now that I'm cured of schizophrenia, where am I when I need me?

- When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
When playing charades..... (a visual one)

- A childish (but amusing) knock knock joke: Holding a glass of water (sipping it nonchalantly),
say "knock knock" "who's there?"
"John" "John who?"
(chuck water over them) "John The Baptist!"

- Knock knock - who's there?
Wurlitzer...........wurlitzer who?
(curls up lip, aka Elvis style) wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show..

- A spiritual seeker goes up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything"
- A spiritual seeker goes up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything"
Vendor: 'that'll be a dollar fifty.'
Spiritualist: 'I've only got a twenty.'

vendor puts the twenty in his cash box. Long Pause.

Spiritualist; 'Hey I gave you a twenty. Where's my change?'
Vendor: 'Change must come from within.'


How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
One... err no... Mother... I mean penis.
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later)

- Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber

- Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk?

- I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God.

- Doctor tells a man "you've got hypocondria"; man says "not that as well!"

- Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K?

- If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic

- When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields)

- I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him

- How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing!

- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change...

Famous last words
- "what does this button do?"
- "nice doggie...."
- "pull the pin and count to what?"
- "don't be so superstitious"
- "now watch this!"
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.