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A funny joke - Carers UK Forum

A funny joke

Please feel free to join in or start any games.
It's called the talking Centipede

A man who was bored of having the same pets, rabbits, mice, guinea pigs etc wantedsomething different, so he went to his local pet store and told the owner of his plite, the owner said I may have just what you are looking for and dissapeared around the back of the store, a couple of minutes later he came back with a shoe box, he said in this box I have a talking centipede and its yours for £50, 50 quid the man remarked, I'll give you 30, they both agreed and the man took the box and put it on the car seat, opened up the lid and said Mr. centipede, Mr. centipede would you like to come down to the pub with me for drink, there was no answer, he thought that he would give it another go when he got home so inside the house he said Mr. centipede, Mr. centipede would you like to come down to the pub with me for drink still no answer, he thought that it must be tired from the journey and gave it half an hour, once again he said Mr. centipede, Mr. centipede would you like to come down to the pub with me for drink, still no answer, he thought I'll give it one more try and if it says nothing I'll take it back and get my money back, so an hour later he said Mr. centipede, Mr. centipede would you like to come down to the pub with me for drink, the centipede, alright, alright, I heard you the fist time, I'm busy putting my shoes on. Image Image Image Image Image
haha Image Image
Image Nice one.
Reminds me of how long it take's Mum to get ready to go out Image Image Image Image
Very good
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?â€

Image Image Image Image Image Image
USING THE ATM

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

HERS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

I couldn't resist this one. However, it must be said - OTT.
Of course it's OTT. You can cut up to 5 steps from the "hers" section... Image Image
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

1. Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3. 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

* Oil Change:$40.00
* Coffee: $2.00
* Total: $42.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
20. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
25. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26. Begin swearing fit.
27. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

* Parts: $50.00
* DUI: $2500.00
* Impound fee: $75.00
* Bail: $1500.00
* Beer: $40.00
* Total: $4,165.00

Charles47 - it's all in a days work.