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Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 12:15 pm
by Juggler
Interesting discussion. Who will care for those without children?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03ymlc6

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 12:48 pm
by susieq
Interesting - but no suggestions as to how to solve the problem !

It's a subject that crosses my mind now and then - I just hope that I keep my faculties long enough to be able to look after myself till the end !

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 1:05 pm
by Pet66
Very interesting subject. I'm fortunate that my grown up children care for their Dad very much. They can't split themselves in 2 so I feel I go on the back burner quite alot? Oh that sounds brattish! Not meant.
However there are several residents at the home who do not have their children visit who apparently could with a bit of effort. So having children isn't a guarantee that we will be cared for in later years. Or should really be expected.
Pet66

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 4:18 pm
by MumWhoCares
I don't think anyone should expect their children to care for them; visiting, helping out round the house, that sort of thing is fine but caring - as most of us here know it - is such a huge amount of work and for many is a burden. I wouldn't want my son to have to sacrifice his life for me in the same way I've sacrificed mine for him; I wouldn't wish the life I live currently on anybody. My aims are to get my son as settled, independent and well looked after as I possibly can, to look after my own health as well as possible, save as much money as I can, keep myself as busy and occupied as I can do and just hope for the best. I know for certain I will keep moving and downsizing as necessary according to my capabilities and would rather go into some sort of sheltered/retirement type accommodation, should I need to, as early as possible, rather than waiting until it's an emergency type of situation. If I get to the point where my quality of life is very poor (and I'm aware of it; obviously it's different if your mind isn't as firm as it used to be) then to be honest I'd have no qualms about having a nice day out with my loved ones and then going home to take a load of tablets. I apologise if that's offensive to anyone as I know these sort of things draw strong opinions and I don't write it to try and create an argument, but for me personally, I see no point in being here if I'm in constant pain, constantly alone and can't manage even the basics such as keeping clean and feeding myself properly. I'm not for one second advocating that as a way of dealing with people who have lost their health but for me quality of life is important and I don't want to spend my last years simply enduring the day.

I think the one good thing about caring (and it probably is the only good thing for me!) is that it has made me think a lot about my health, my older years and how to prepare for them. I think most of us know only too well how scant support is and I think that will only get worse as the years go by. I'm always astonished as I watch people I know chucking back the booze, having another ciggie, eating another burger and I think my word, if you knew how hard life is if you aren't able to look after yourself and/or go to work you'd be eating mung beans and drinking mineral water! My intention is to do as much as I can with my life and just to try and keep my health going well for as long as possible. I think I will sort out one of those living will type things at some point as well so my wishes are known if I get to a point where I can't make decisions although I don't know much about that so will have to look into it. It's not a nice thing to think about and prepare for but I do think more people need to take a 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' approach.

It does cross my mind where my mum is concerned; I've not spoken to my mum for over ten years because of family abuse that went on for a long time but I know I couldn't just leave her if she was unable to care for herself and was alone. That said, I also know I'd resent it because I know they've had a lot of money (that they could have put away to pay for care in their older years) that they've spent on holidays and endlessly re-decorating their house. I know people say you work all your life so you should enjoy your retirement but I do think blowing the lot and leaving nothing in reserve in case your health fails is crazy. To be honest it's a situation I'm just hoping I don't have to deal with but it does cross my mind from time to time and it's very hard.

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 4:46 pm
by susieq
The programme wasn't about "caring" for an older person - but about who will speak up for the older person and advocate on their behalf.

I looked up the Ageing Without Children website and read their report - quite a few of the quotes in the report resonated with me
So now I find myself facing older age with no family to care for me, as
I have done for my mum and I admit it scares me. I have seen, through
many crisis points with mum, how vulnerable you can be in the social care
system and the NHS – let alone in wider society - with no-one to speak up
and fight for you
‘You know they won’t let me go home from hospital unless
there’s a named person to pick me up. They insist they have to
ring them to come and get me. I tell them I don’t have a name
to give and they look surprised as if it never happens. Perhaps
it is just me who doesn’t have anyone.’
‘If I get dementia, who is going to tell the carers I don’t like
sprouts and hate ‘Eastenders’? No-one is going to know, are
they? And I won’t be able to tell them.’
‘I felt excluded because I wasn’t a mum, and now I feel
excluded because I don’t have grandchildren.’
If I had had children I definitely wouldn't want them to have to care for me as I cared for my own Mum. I do have nieces but they have their own families to worry about and I've told them that if I go the same way as Nana Audrey they are to book me into the nearest care home and get on with their own lives ! But at the same time a part of me hopes that they will still look out for me in my old age and not leave me to the 'tender mercies' of the state !

For anyone interested this is a link to the Ageing Without Children report
https://ageingwithoutchildren.files.wor ... eport1.pdf

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2016 8:53 pm
by MumWhoCares
susieq wrote:The programme wasn't about "caring" for an older person - but about who will speak up for the older person and advocate on their behalf.

I looked up the Ageing Without Children website and read their report - quite a few of the quotes in the report resonated with me
So now I find myself facing older age with no family to care for me, as
I have done for my mum and I admit it scares me. I have seen, through
many crisis points with mum, how vulnerable you can be in the social care
system and the NHS – let alone in wider society - with no-one to speak up
and fight for you
‘You know they won’t let me go home from hospital unless
there’s a named person to pick me up. They insist they have to
ring them to come and get me. I tell them I don’t have a name
to give and they look surprised as if it never happens. Perhaps
it is just me who doesn’t have anyone.’
‘If I get dementia, who is going to tell the carers I don’t like
sprouts and hate ‘Eastenders’? No-one is going to know, are
they? And I won’t be able to tell them.’
‘I felt excluded because I wasn’t a mum, and now I feel
excluded because I don’t have grandchildren.’
If I had had children I definitely wouldn't want them to have to care for me as I cared for my own Mum. I do have nieces but they have their own families to worry about and I've told them that if I go the same way as Nana Audrey they are to book me into the nearest care home and get on with their own lives ! But at the same time a part of me hopes that they will still look out for me in my old age and not leave me to the 'tender mercies' of the state !

For anyone interested this is a link to the Ageing Without Children report
https://ageingwithoutchildren.files.wor ... eport1.pdf
Oh I see, sorry, I couldn't watch it as I don't have the right 'something or other' on my computer for it to play (or so it told me!).

In that case I think the thing that is so wrong is that we have a system that is so poor that people can only access it if they have someone to fight their case! That's what needs to be changed, I would think, rather than everyone needing to have someone around to fight their corner.

I do find in my current situation people are often suprised when I say there is no-one I literally mean there is no-one! I used to get so fed up with people saying "well can't someone look after him for you", as if I'd have just been too daft to pick the phone up and ask if I had a stable of willing babysitters.

I'll try and install whatever it is I haven't got on here so I can watch it properly later :)

MumWhoCares

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:08 pm
by Anne001
A subject close to my heart too as an only child with no close relatives. Friends are all my age or older and who would impose that burden on them anyway?

I think we should set up our own luxury retreat with pool boys, carers etc on tap, plus bar of course :D

It does scare me though if I ever think too closely about it. Who would manage my money????

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:02 pm
by MrsAverage
It's even more important for anyone without immediate family to have a will and Power of Attorney for both finances and health/welfare. A firm of solicitors would be named as being in charge.
There are solicitors firms that specialise in this.

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:42 am
by Henrietta
I'll be at that luxury retreat Anne -unless I can train my dog to assist me-probably not :lol:

Re: Ageing without children

Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2016 9:29 am
by bowlingbun
As a widow, I find the assumption that I have a husband around to do things which I can't do is very hurtful. My eldest son is great, but our relationship is not the same as with a husband.
Ever tried buying a kitchen, or a double bed, by yourself? I once spent half an hour looking round a Magnet showroom without being approached. The salesman I eventually spoke to said they only approached couples, because the wife looked at what she wanted, but it was the husband who paid. I walked round a bed shop, totally ignored, a couple came in, an assistant scampered up to them, not me. As I walked out, an assistant, from his office area, said "Can I help you?" I told him I wanted a double bed, but if they couldn't be bothered to even say Hello, I'd go somewhere which wanted my money.
I don't understand why I am continually having to nag Social Services about various aspects of my son's care. I'm increasingly worried about how he will manage when I'm not here. Whilst the Care Act says that advocates must be made available for those who can't speak up for themselves, the advocacy services in my area are oversubscribed.