Renata_2102 wrote: ↑Mon Feb 22, 2021 7:57 pm
Hello Susan and Bowlingbun,
I am so glad I read through your thread. I have just joined and feel like I'm falling slowly into this trap by moving 5 minutes from my 87 year old mother. Until 2019 I was living in France and just coming over for Christmas and summer but each time extending my stay, which is how I got stuck here when Covid struck. Initially, like everyone, I thought it would be a matter of months and I could return to my life in France having set up appropriate support for my mother. She used to do all her own shopping and I was proud of her independance. I would do repairs, change lightbulbs and re-stock heavy goods, then ring every day at a set time for a long chat. Covid has changed all that, she now depends on me for shopping, moral support etc. We finally filled out the Attendance Alllowance forms and she is receiving the higher rate as she is now very arthritic. I have applied for Carers Allowance and hope to hear soon. It is only in the last few weeks that I have realised the emotional toll of crazy conversations when I am accused of being "uncaring", "not understanding" , I could go on .... but would rather stay positive. I have finally realised that she genuinely doesn't remember when she lost her temper over something and believes her re-interpretation of many situations. It is best not to disagree, as this is regarded as a personal attack. Trying to change the subject is dismissed and making constructive suggestions (just try stepping out now it is milder), is taken as cruel criticism. I am 63, I broke my hip 7 years ago and I'm used to dealing with my own arthritic aches, so I feel I'm in a position to be very sympathetic and make suggestions as to how to cope in winter. I've bought all sorts of gadgets, heating pads, etc, but I now find the regressive behaviour hard to deal with, especially reading through here and realising that it will only get worse. Any advice would be most welcome. Thank you.
Hi Renata, Susan and BB
I'm reading your posts and just thinking how much they sound like myself and my husband with my parents. We lived in the USA for 5 years and had a wonderful quality of life. Husband had a good job and we could manage very well on his wage. Lovely house with a gorgeous garden and lake access for the cost of a half decent 3 bed semi here in the NE of England.
We came back 7 years ago, mostly because my parents were getting to the point of not being able to come out and visit and having more health issues. I'm an only child.
Back here and we're just counting the years until we can leave England again. Financially much , much worse off and we don't go anywhere because it's so expensive.
Renata, this ..... "It is only in the last few weeks that I have realised the emotional toll of crazy conversations when I am accused of being "uncaring", "not understanding" , I could go on .... but would rather stay positive. I have finally realised that she genuinely doesn't remember when she lost her temper over something and believes her re-interpretation of many situations. It is best not to disagree, as this is regarded as a personal attack. Trying to change the subject is dismissed and making constructive suggestions (just try stepping out now it is milder), is taken as cruel criticism" ........
sounds so much like my Mum! She can't remember what's gone on in the past or conversations and , most importantly, due to her short to medium term memory loss she can't remember when/if she forgot to do something. This impacts on us trying to get the care Dad needs, our relationships , my health and my marriage! Thankfully my Dad who, even though he has a diagnosis of dementia, is quite the opposite and very amenable.
I do worry slightly that he's vulnerable and sometimes I hear the way Mum speaks (shouts) and wonder if anything else is going on.
I'm 58 and have arthritis, plus an autoimmune condition that causes neuropathy (only in feet and hands at the moment) , fatigue, brain fog and balance issues. It's quite a rare condition so not much idea how it might progress or whether it might morph into a type of blood cancer.
Feel like I'm retired but in limbo with our lives disappearing in front of our eyes.
As others have said, I had to step back around Christmas time. I was exhausted mentally and felt like anything we tried to do to make life easier was met with negativity. SS weren't getting back to me and I didn't know how to get what we needed. I've recently had more face to face contact again, and I can see how things have deteriorated and it seems like stepping back has helped me regain some energy, but other than that nothing much has changed. I suppose it's about having the systems/services in place to step up when we step back.
