Family Stinks.

[linda2]

I could really get very angry at my brother. Our family used to be such a caring family but my brother has really got my back up. A friend of mine is getting married soon and decided to have her hen party in Spain for a long weekend. As much as i would have loved to have gone money and who would look after my mam for 4 days made it impossible. As she had other friends who couldn't make it she decided to have an all day event locally. As it was my 'day off' with my brother looking after my mam I was so looking forward to it. That was until my brother decided that was the day he was going to have a weeks holiday staying in his daughter's place in Scotland while she and her husband were away. I tried to find ways of getting him to delay his holiday so that I could go to the party. My first attempt was to ask him to leave on the Sunday. But my answer was 'no'. He didn't want to go from Sunday to Sunday as his wife wanted to be home to get things ready for work on the Monday. I wasn't asking him to return on the Sunday, just leave on a Sunday. But he wouldn't have it. I even tried asking him to leave after giving my mam her lunch and leaving something for her tea. But again I got 'no' as he didn't want to drive in the dark and it takes 6 hours to get there. Leaving at 1.00 he would get there around 7.00pm and it would still be daylight. But I was surprised when my nephew agreed to cook for my mam so that I could have my day out. So I had my day out and had a great time. My brother and his wife duly set off for Scotland and was due back today. But my mam rang me earlier to say that my brother has been on the phone and has said that they are staying another day and not coming home until tomorrow (Sunday). I told my mam that I don't care what he does and when I came off the phone I remembered what he had said before he left and I was soooooooooooooooooooo angry with him. I used to love my family to bits but now I'm at a point where I don't really care what they do or what pain they are in as they don't seem to care about me or what pain I'm in. I never thought I would ever feel like this about the only brother I have. But since my dad died it's all gone downhill. i have one brother (with wife), one nephew (with girlfriend) and one niece (with husband). My brother and his wife think I have it easy, my nephew doesn't speak to me (why, I don't know) and my niece has become so opinionated that, at times, I'm not sure I like her. I love them all to bits and would die for them, but I sometimes think that they don't feel the same about me. Rant over. Just needed to get it out of my system.

[Booksey]

Don't know what I could say to make things better only to send hugs and agree that families can be pants

[linda2]

There's really nothing anyone can do to make it better Booksey. I just needed to vent. Thanks for the hugs - they are always welcome.

[bowlingbun]

Hi Linda,
I have two equally useless brothers as well. One hasn't seen mum for two years, the other comes down once or twice a year. He only lives an hour's drive away, and he drives all over the country in the course of running his business. On the occasional times they do actually get to mum's, they tell me what else I should be doing for her! They have never, ever, taken mum out for a ride in the car, which she'd really love (she can't get in my Discovery any more). It is really important for your own mental and physical health that you get away from your caring role now and then. From now on, forget about him as far as caring is concerned. Get in touch with Social Services and discuss it with them. Mum will probably say she doesn't want anyone else, if she's anything like mine, but sometimes YOU must come first.

[susieq]

If it's any consolation Linda you're not the only one feeling like this - I have just the one sister and when Mum was alive and I was caring 24/7 she used to 'generously' give me two 3 hour breaks a week - 6 hours out of a 168 hour week To arrange a weekend away, took major planning at least 3 months in advance.

Now that Mum is no longer here, I get the impression that my sister thinks I'm a nuisance when I need to talk - most of the time she ignores my existence unless she wants something. Quite frankly my attitude at the moment is 'to hell with you' It's sad really because at one time we were very close and over the years I've done all I can to maintain that closeness, but her self centred attitude is really beginning to get to me and has destroyed the relationship we once had

Luckily I'm close to my nieces and their families - but they lead such busy lives that I don't see them anywhere near as much as I'd like.

So ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Linda and try to keep your chin up - you're doing a great job

[michael parker]

Been there,done that,got the T- Shirt.

[bowlingbun]

Michael,

That's fantastic! I just don't have the courage to wear one!!!

[Nilla]

Linda I can empathise with you! I would love to go for a day trip somewhere but Mums brother or sister dont help out at all, I am an only one so it all falls on me! I see all the rest of the family have lovely holidays etc and I have to just grin and bear it whilst crying inside. Families eh? xx

[no1mum]

Rellies stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a lovely text off one of mine the other day........hubby had won olympic tickets at work, for gymnastics and swimming events, a nice addition to the athletics ones they's bought, her hubby doesn't like any sport at all. In general, though there are exceptions to the rule, family counts for nothing.

[Melly1]

Linda - families that don't understand/that think carers have it easy/ that needlessly criticise the care given/ that are selfish seem to crop up regularly on here. So you are not alone. Try not to let your brother and his wife take away from the lovely day you had.

Susie - bet it's only carers who know there are 168 hours in a week... When professionals always want to visit on my day off, I explain that I only get 8 hours off a week and would prefer not to meet to discuss S then. They always say they quite understand, but perhaps if they came first thing and I had the rest of the day to myself ... they really DONT get it ...

Melly1

[linda2]

Thanks guys. I know I'm not alone and my brother normally lets me have a Saturday off. I think he only does it so that I can go to the footie (Newcastle United season ticket holder) and when the season finishes maybe he thinks I should stay at home. He's already mentioned to my mam that I go out more than he does???????????? What about all the holidays away that I don't get??????? No-one stops him from going out. My mam told him like. She said to him 'Linda's got friends now that she hasn't had for a long time. Do you begrudge her having friends?' He said he didn't. It's just that I get angry with him sometimes. We used to be close but since my dad died it's like they think I can handle looking after my mam all by myself. But when my dad was alive my mam wasn't as bad as she is now. She takes more looking after now than the two of them did when my dad was alive. And what really gets my back up is that they talk to me like I don't have a job and I have an easy time. Since I got the carers coming in, yes, it's not as physical anymore. But I still have to be there every morning for 7.30 to put cream on her and gel on her painful bits and do lots of other things for her before I can go back home and start on paperwork and phone calls and shopping etc. We were having drinks for my mam's birthday recently and my sis in law said they couldn't stay late as she had to be at work for 9.00. 9.00!!!!!!!!!!! I said that I had to be at work for 7.30 and she said, 'well, you know what I mean', and I said 'no'. I have a lot of pain in my shoulder, hip, leg, knee (all down right side) but all they say is that it's not as bad as their pain. How the fxxx do they know (excuse my french). When they start showing some concern for me and respect for what I do, then I'll start being concerned about them.
By the way - love the t shirt Michael. And thanks for the hugs Susieq. Sending hugs back (((((((((((oooooo)))))))))))) That's how I feel Nilla. My brother keeps talking about all these holidays and what a wonderful time they've had and I just want to cry. They are talking about moving to Spain and when they are settled they can get mam over for a visit to give me a break. As mam needs a hoist to get her in and out of bed and onto a commode and it needs two carers, i can't see them getting all that in for a couple of weeks holiday, can you? They just don't have a clue. I know I'm doing the best I can and mam tells everyone who'll listen what a wonderful daughter I am. As I don't have a partner to talk to I just need to have a vent now and again. My mam says I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can't help it as I am and emotional person to start with. Thanks for listening guys.