Don't feel like a good enough carer

[Beck]

Please don't beat yourself up so.

Hold your head high and be proud that you were able to soldier on for as long as you did because it wouldn't have been easy for you as we all know. Your husband expressed his wishes that he doesn't wish to be a burden on you - so you are simply living as he wishes you to.

Take a day off every now and then to do things that you enjoy - not only is it good for you but it would give you something extra to tell your husband about when you next see him. As for feeling guilty, ask yourself if you'd want him to be in the same position as you if the boot was on the other foot.

If you like creative arts such as photography, you could even take what you make in for him to see and give him something different to look at.

[flower63]

I think he probably feels not happy to have to be there. Sometimes he says in an email that "if i am to stay here longterm then i need..." Do you think this is to make me feel guilty?

[bowlingbun]

I don't think it's to make you feel guilty. Sounds to me much more like he's in the process of accepting that his life is now very different (in the way I am as a widow). The road to acceptance can be a long and bumpy ride at times, no one would wish to be in the situation that he is in. I think that he's trying to think of ways of making it more bearable for himself, which is fair enough, and shows he's planning for his own future. Of course a lot depends on what he is asking for and whether funds are available. Your reaction is also very understandable though, you both have a lot to accept.

[flower63]

This is getting rather personal but its about being "intimate". Feel a bit coerced but understand there's so little pleasure in his life.

[claudiu orbisor]

hi and welcome to the forum, flower i'm very sure that you are doing the best, you do not have to feel guilty, that's his choose and you are doing the best, the most important thing to do now is to take care of your dougther and of you.

[ladybird]

This is getting rather personal but its about being "intimate". Feel a bit coerced but understand there's so little pleasure in his life.

Hi flower

My carees are my daughter and my mum so I have no personal experience but can I suggest you raise this question as a topic of it's own? Perhaps in one of the members only forums such as share your life or carers health issues.

I know that the topic of sex in a relationship where there have been big physical changes has been raised here before as I remember reading it. Try not to be embarrassed as I'm sure there will be someone who can give you some advice, especially as you are feeling a bit coerced.
This is the forum for carers and their problems after all.

[Melly1]

Hi Flower and welcome,

you should not feel guilty you are meeting everyone's needs in best way that you can. Your hubby is getting 24/7 care and rehab, your daughter still has a mum who has time to be a mum and you have preserved your relationship with your hubby. There are plenty of carers on the forum who do not have their carees living with them and some who do currently, but may not always. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons of having hubby stay where he is versus coming home and you will see in black and white how you have made the best decision and the reasons why.

Melly1

[flower63]

many thanks Melly..i'm such a rigid thinker. Hearing other carers perspective's and support is like a warm hug!

[no1mum]

And there's also the pm facility through which you could contact one/some of us privately if you feel the board is too public.